Month: September 2020

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#75 Coffee with John

Coffee with John #75 represents the half-way point to meeting my goal of the number of people I want to meet for CWJ.

Two years since I began this project. Half-way point towards an end, new beginnings, new adventures.

It has taken me two years to arrive at this milestone. From the start, I have had in mind 150 individual meetings with different people each time. Why this number? 150 is known as Dunbar’s number. Based on his theory, we can only maintain about 150 connections at once. I read about Dunbar’s theory around the time Facebook was becoming widespread; the concept has stuck with me.   

I am in no rush to meet my goal. If I meet the goal in the next month, a year, or the next, I am fine with it. The people I have met along the journey have come into my life at the appropriate time.

Coffee-mate for CWJ #75 is a prime example. I could have not, even if  I wanted to, chosen this bold, bright, bodacious, beauteous woman to be the perfect candidate to reach my half-way point.

The many reasons for this abound. In addition to being part of my water season, the other main reason actually brings me to my takeaway: how many lives have you lived in your lifetime?

Where are you in your seasons of life? Half-way point? At the beginning? At the end of an old one? Would you even know where you are? How many versions have you reincarnated, knowingly and consciously? Are you living a different life than you were a few years back? Are you ready to take on a new life? How different are you from the person you were 3, 10 years ago. Would you recognize your past self?

As a widower, single parent, and an empty nester, I am living a whole new life, different from three or four years ago, or even just a year ago. I have experienced new adventures, met new people, traveled (when that was a thing), and expanded my horizons, adopting along the way new habits like meditating and listening to podcasts – did you know podcasts are a thing?

Life circumstances direct or redirect our life paths, giving us no choice but to adapt to new realities imposed by forces beyond our control. Like now, we are all living a new reality, bringing a season of uncertainty and shadows into our lives. Still, other times, we have a saying in the direction where we have free choice in taking that first step into our new lives. We take action and create our own new reality. We have the power to reinvent ourselves.    

I might be half-way point into meeting my goal for this project, but in many ways, I am just at the beginning. I don’t know where it will lead me and that excites me. And so in life. I don’t know where I will be in a year or two. But I am excited about the possibilities.  I am in a new version of my life, not the one I had chosen but one I am embracing full-on.

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#74 Coffee with John

Inspired by the conversation, what follows is what 
CWJ #74 brought about: 

Disrupt
       create
construct 
       canalize
deconstruct 
        alchemize
mistrust
   Intellectualize 

Who are you? 
How do you see the world? 
How does the world see you?  

Erupt
   rationale applies 
Entrust 
    self-analyze
Defunct  
    crystallize
exult 
    Man arrives 

Perceptions come - discover new ones
Conclusions go - question the directions 
World views erupt - keep grounded 

#9
#4

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#73 Coffee with John

“The best number is 73. Why? 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying 7 and 3.” Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory

I don’t know what makes 73 the best number. It could be that it holds a special spot for me as some of the best people, ahem, have been born under the auspiciousness of the year of the OX.

But I am digressing. Coffee with John 73 does fall under an auspicious and magical one, solidifying and cementing my season of water for various reasons. 

The most obvious – and the one I will share here -is that since then I have been fortunate to have the opportunity to share in my friend’s passion for paddle boarding, hitting the water once a week. Truly feel grateful to soak in the chance.

Sharing your passion, talent, good fortunes and yourself are what I took away from this last CWJ. My coffee mate for this round – an artist, social activist, and community leader – shares her artistry, her commitment to causes she believes in, and her passion for paddle-boarding, freely inviting friends to join her at her lake house to use her extra boards. Also, she occasionally shares and gives access to her lakefront to people to use.

What have you shared? How have you enriched other’s life by sharing your good fortunes? 

We don’t all have lake houses, paddleboards, or have artistic talents but we can all make a difference in someone’s life by giving something of ourselves to others. It can be volunteering, sharing your smile, giving your time to talk to an old friend, and performing other simple random acts of kindness that can brighten and bring light to other people. We all have riches and talents to share.

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#72 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

So much I can say about this dear friend. We have known each other for almost two decades or more. Our friendship is uncomplicated. I hold her friendship dear to my heart. I am grateful to have her as a light in this journey of life.

We have shared many conversations and secrets. Our coffee together this time around did not shatter any new grounds or reveal anything new — two old friends talking with each other amidst a world gone topsy-turvy.

What made the occasion ultra special is the time we set up to talk. As a mother, wife, full-time architect, and the many other hands she wears, for her taking the time to talk with me represented an ordeal. Habits, routines, day-to-day activities, had to be disrupted.

The takeaway: what habits/routines are you willing to break to dedicate to something you want to do but it’s not part of your regular day-to-day?

We get in this hamster wheel, ignoring friendships, the desire to workout, the goals of pursuing that one thing that you have meaning to do but never seem to have the time for.

We become engrossed in our habits and roles -working, parenting, exercising, practicing YXZ, or just doing our thing – that we ignore or stop pursuing other interests because we feel we must do what we are already doing. 

But, must we really do what we do all the time? All of those habits/routines will be waiting for us.  Stop. Take stock, break the routine, do something out of the ordinary. That could be waking up an hour earlier to spend an hour chatting with an old friend.

Of the few, if not the only, picture we have together.
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#71 Coffee with John

Building on my momentum, Coffee with John # 71 represented my third time meeting with a complete stranger. This time I met them through a private neighborhood FB group. 

I had posted about my CWJ project and asked if anyone wanted to meet up. Two brave souls who were willing to participate reached out. The first, I met virtually. The second brave soul I met face-to-face at a local cafe with us being the only patrons sitting down.   

We shared a lovely conversation about life and part of our history. It was an uplifting discussion, leaving me light and energized.  

In discussing the experience the next day with a friend, the question that came up was what prompts or drives strangers to meet up with me. I am not offering to buy, sell, date, or anything. And, in most cases, people buy their own coffee. All I am offering is the chance to meet and have a conversation. 

With that question in mind, I reached out to coffee mate #71 and asked her what had motivated her to meet me. 

Her answer inspired my takeaway: we need to challenge ourselves and explore life out of the bubble we surround ourselves with. 

What have you done today that challenges and takes you out of your comfort zone? It can be as simple as talking to a stranger. 

PS: I don’t have a picture from the meeting but I do have this picture from that day.

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#70 Coffee with John – Virtual Edition

“Do you find a difference between virtual and face-to-face coffees,” I was recently asked. 

I have incorporated virtual coffees from the beginning of CWJ. Based on those experiences, my original answer to this question was that I didn’t know if virtual meetings would offer the intimacy that in-person meetings provide as virtual meetings can more easily shield you behind the comfort of your home and the technology.

Coffee with John #70 proved me wrong. The meeting was the first meeting with a stranger I met through the Bumble Bizz networking App. We had only exchanged texts through the app before our CWJ. 

What helped break the shield was a question she asked, taking me to an unexpected vulnerable spot. Honestly, I don’t recall the questions. All I remember was us having a typical, pleasant exchange you would have with a stranger anywhere.

Then, as we were wrapping up, she asked the question that changed the tone and created a deeper connection. I don’t know if it was because my wife’s anniversary was five days away or what but I had to control my emotions. I had not found myself in that spot in a long time.

My vulnerability provided the avenue for her to open up and share her journey caring for a spouse with an autoimmune disease, especially the challenges associate with that in a time of a worldwide pandemic. We both choked up and shared a moment of vulnerability, lasting perhaps seconds before we composed ourselves again. But that moment, and those like that, are the ones that show us our humanity.

My takeaway: you need to be willing to be vulnerable to let others in and to connect with others. We can pretend to put up shields to protect us from past hurts and experiences but to what price? Be vulnerable and be willing to take risks.