One of the many aspects of this project for me has been about being open – open to vulnerability; open to meeting strangers and being present; open to honor and truly listen to people; open to folks judging my intentions; open to putting myself into a public sphere; open to people interjecting their motivations onto the experience; open to checking and leaving my own prejudices aside; open to expressing my emotions and being honest with those emotions..
I have put myself into this position with no regrets. I continue to be challenged, surprised, and inspired by the journey. My world has flourished with new connections, knowledge, and experiences.
CWJ#87 is no exception, adding and enriching to my overarching journey thus far. My coffee mate for this edition – a personable, young man of 22 or so from Canada – is driven by a mission of determination, achievement, and personal growth.
He is finding and carving out his path on his terms by connecting with others, seeking knowledge, and being open. This young man changed his career path mid-point, veering into a whole different direction from where he was originally going to pursue new dreams and chase the life he sees for himself. Brave and foolish some would say, right?
But I challenge you to being brave and, yes, foolish, if you will. Be open to the experience of challenging your perceptions, paths in life. Be open to learning from people outside your circle. Be open to different possibilities, paradigms, et al.
Some moments you forget not because they were insignificant or didn’t impact your life. On the contrary, some passing moments carry you forward, helping you forget circumstances that are bogging you down. Those particular moments you might forget temporarily without realizing how much they have lifted you when you most needed it.
Coffee with John #86 was such a moment. Both my coffee mate for this edition and I had attempted to schedule a face-to-face meet up up for over two years. When I first started this journey, my friend had expressed an interest in meeting up but because of a series of reasons, we could not make a face-to-face happen. Now, with the pandemic, we settled for a virtual meeting.
I had a lot of things going on that day – work deadlines to meet and my dog’s pending euthanasia, scheduled for the next morning. Given that we had rescheduled a few times in the past, I didn’t want to postpone yet again. I am glad we kept the meeting.
I don’t recall when was the last time I had chatted with this friend, whom I came to know through my wife’s network of friends. I knew aspects of her life but not well. CWJ #86 allowed me the opportunity to learn more about her life and that of her family. I enjoyed learning how life led her to move to the United States, first moving to NYC where she met her husband. Their journey together led them to move to Charlotte where they lived for 10+ years, and now they are back in NY where their American journey began.
Through laughter and connection, my conversation with her carried me at an emotionally challenging time. It gave me pause and respite from all that was happening that week. Yet, I had completely forgotten about our meet-up.
After the conversation, I jumped back to that week’s reality, a week of successfully meeting deadlines yet filled with heartbreak as I mourned my dog. The conversation didn’t register until I had already published my previous CWJ write-up, realizing afterward that this conversation had proceeded that one, making this CWJ #86 not #87.
The takeaway? That I have a horrible memory. Kidding! When we are drowning in our reality, take pause and look for the moments that can carry us forth, from having a conversation with an old friend to taking a walk or going for a run. Look for those moments even if you forget them afterward.
No nudes, bathroom selfies, or indecent requests, I promise!
With a personal disclaimer that I was not using the site for dating but for only connecting with folks for my CWJ project, Bumble blocked my account.
Apparently, people took offense that I was not dating and reported my profile. To a certain point, I get it. I am irresistible and, if you can’t have me, nobody else can’t. Kidding!
All is good. I understand the logic and I respect the rules.
Now, if we had tentatively scheduled a CWJ for after the holidays, I have no way of getting in touch with you. Truly sorry as I was looking forward to connecting. If you found this post, please send me a message and we will reschedule. It would be great to connect.
Poised, articulate, confident and nimble in her skills.
Those were my first impressions four years ago of my Coffee with John #85 mate.
We briefly met at the time at a conference for Latinx arts and individual artists. She was one of the hosting sponsors leading some of the introductions. We talked shop briefly and we exchanged perfunctory networking emails. The end.
Fast forward four/five years later, we found each other sharing a fun afternoon that involved a boat ride with a hand-picked group of invited friends brought together by a mutual friend — the extraordinary and talented Rosalia Torres Weiner.
This mutual friend- an artist, connector, community advocate – typically invites two or three people on given days to her home by the lake as a way to connect, re-energize her creativity, and share some of her passions. That day, I happened to be one of the lucky ones to be invited to share and join in the experience, along with two other guests.
But, for a brief second, let me backtrack again to the conference. It happened that the conference coincided with the week when I learned that Lari’s cancer had metastasized to her bones. I was crushed during that time. I had not shared the news with anyone at that point. I happened to run into Rosalia at the conference and I shared the news with her, ending up with me crying and her giving me a hug. That moment passed and we went along our respective day enjoying and partaking in the three-day conference.
I don’t know how any of this relates but my takeaway is as much about how life/circumstances/networks circle back as it is about curiosity.
We have to engage and be curious about discovering the many layers of a person. We meet people all the time and we immediately make assumptions and have a set impression about them.
I am glad to report that my assumptions and impressions of Coffee Mate #85 were right on the money. She is an impressive, talented woman with many layers and rich complexities.
She shared with me some of her life experiences, vulnerabilities, and tribulations, given her an even greater depth to the person I initially saw at a podium adroitly translating simultaneously Spanish into English to a crowd of 200+ attendees four/five years.
I so appreciated this meetup. I had the opportunity to cry, get to know an awesome person, and, eventually, express myself here with these words.
Approximately six-months had passed since I had last stepped inside the YMCA before CWJ #84. I had kept postponing going for months after my yearly membership had lapsed.
Not sure what prompted me to go but it was a spontaneous decision on a lazy, Sunday afternoon. As I was renewing my membership, a woman behind me was scanning her card to get her workout. Took me a few minutes to recognize her behind the mask.
She is someone that worked at the Y before being furlough because of the COVID-19 pandemic. She worked closely with Lari (my wife) when Lari worked at the Y membership services. This person had been someone that I knew peripherally, always friendly and warm to each other but never quite close, in comparison to other people from the Y circle.
She, along with a whole army of other folks at the Y, did a lot for Lari, playing a key role in doing just a lot for my family during and after my wife’s battle with cancer.
I can’t remember the last time I had seen her. “I saw you in the Ballantyne Magazine. I never read it but I took the magazine on a recent trip and there I saw you and read about your project,” was one of the first things she mentioned as we met on that fortuitous Sunday afternoon.
A week or a few weeks later, on a windy, cold morning, we were sitting across each other sharing a cup of coffee. The conversation flowed with me getting to know about her, husband, son, and her experiences.
Unexpectedly, as we were wrapping up, we both ended up crying. At that moment, she shared with me her perspective and experience during Lari’s Life Celebration Event, held at the Y with about 150+ people in attendance. In addition to sharing memories and stories, the event culminated with a Zumba dance to honor my wife’s passion for dancing and her Zumba instructing days. My coffee mate shared with me how difficult it was for her to join in the dance. For her, the dancing seemed out of place. She was overcome with sadness and felt overwhelmed by the experience, opting to sit down and grief in her own way, which she was completely entitled to do without any reservations.
My takeaway, we all grieve and process loss differently. Culture, religion, personal beliefs all influence the process. There is no right or wrong way. Cry, dance, wallow, seek therapy, do what it takes to mourn, grief.
I have to be mindful of that because I tend to harden -up, not allowing for room to wallow in sorrow when confronted with loss. With Lari’s passing, I have become more sensitive, honoring both my emotions and that of others. Still, my threshold for identifying and carrying that loss into different aspects of my life in a negative way is low.
The cornerstone and drive behind this project is the antithesis of letting sorrow drown you down. I don’t want to reminisce or talk about the past or how unfair life is/was. I want to celebrate, dance, and soak life’s experiences while honoring the light that Lari brought into this world. I carry her in my heart and will always love her.
But I am going on a tangent, not the direction I had intended for this takeaway. The beauty is that that’s part of the process we call healing.
My other takeaway: trust the universe to bring you together with the people that you are mean to meet, not when you want/desire but when the universe feels appropriate.
Photo not from CWJ#84, but taken on that day – so, it seems appropriate.
Coffee With John 