Coffee with John #110, the last of 2021!
Only fitting that the conversation included talk of resolutions and new year’s eve traditions, like the ritual of running around the block at the strike of midnight with a suitcase to welcome more travel.
Actually, I don’t think I have ever seen anyone carry out that tradition or the one about wearing specific colored underwear to bring a particular attribute into their lives (e.i, yellow for good luck, red for love, white for inner peace, and I don’t know what else). Now, I don’t know about you but, most likely, I was wearing black as most of my underwear is of that color. Wait! Please excuse this interruption while I look at what wearing black underwear on new year’s eve means.
I am back. It means…
I am digressing. I don’t mean to talk about my underwear or yours. A more interesting topic that came to the forefront during my conversation is the self, the center of almost every New Year resolution.
Even if we disdain the thought of new year rituals, it’s probably one of the few times of the year when we are drawn to actively or indirectly engage in thinking or discussing the goals/activities we want to undertake, placing the self at the center.
The irony is that we live in a self-centered society already where the “I” is ubiquitously displayed on our social media. The paradox is that we lose ourselves. The “I” becomes a persona, playing a part on the Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, TicTak stage.
Or we get lost in the never-ending to-do. Not far, or an integral part of the must get dones, we get lost in the I am a spouse, parent, worker, artist, caregiver, professional, and whatever other roles we are fulfilling. You strip those personas/roles and we might have an identity crisis.
Who are we without any of those qualifiers? What makes us, us? What are we doing to take care of ourselves? How are we cultivating a deeper knowledge of ourselves outside the parameters of an attached identity? What motivates/inspires us? How do we become present with ourselves without getting lost in distractions that are not expansive, i.e distractions that do little to challenge us, or contribute to our well-being?
I was confronted by a version of those questions at two critical points in my life: first, when I lost my wife and, then a year later, when I became an empty nester. I had always had a separate identity, doing my yoga, running, and following other interests outside of being a husband and father. Still, faced with those new realities, I was forced to redirect my life, making those sets of questions more pronounced and immediate. Not always easy or with clarity, I have welcomed the challenges and the possibilities of getting connected and reacquainted with myself, exploring past and new interests: practicing meditation, reading more, challenging myself to hike on my own, exploring online classes, and learning more about various subjects including photography and sexuality. All those are avenues of exploration that call out to me for a variety of reasons.
I am not going to prescribe or pontificate about any specific activity to pursue. Instead, I encourage all of us to put our phones down to take two to ten minutes a day to explore different paths of self-care and exploration. A good starting point might be answering the question of what is going on with YOU outside any of our prescribed roles. Start with that question to begin formulating and solidifying an identity of what you want for yourself, be it a hobby or an attribute.
A response might be that there is no time. How many times do we say “I don’t have the luxury, energy, time, or bandwidth to meditate, read, or do x.” I don’t negate the reality of time constraints and other hurdles we all have in our lives. But the essential question/challenge is how can we take of others and that of our thousands of responsibilities when we are getting lost in the identities of others and neglecting our physical, mental, emotional needs. Find yourself.
Coffee With John 