Category: coffee

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#103 Coffee with John: A Reckoning

Three years into the project with 40, plus coffee meet-ups to reach my goal. The journey leading here has not always been smooth: lack of energy to move forward, questioning my drive and desire to continue.

Why am I doing this project still? With passing of time and grief taking a different hue, what drives the project? Is the project changing from its original iteration? What is the driving force behind my motivation now? Are there any other takeaways I can gauge without repeating myself?

Meeting number 103 helped me address some of those queries. My coffee mate shared part of his story and talked to me about his personal and creative outlets – powerlifting, photography, film, vlogs.

The challenge of pursuing a passion, personal endeavor/goal, fitness goals came up in the conversation. Recently, I saw a friend post on their social media a meme about choosing your hard. That echo with the sentiments we had discussed. All can be hard, depending on how you look at that one thing that keeps eluding you – losing weight, seeking relationships, overcoming personal challenges, pursuing artistic goals. Each pursuit can be a challenge for different reasons: time, money constraints, professional hurdles, limiting believes.

How we overcome those challenges, and how much sweat and energy we pour into them become part of the equation of how we choose to live our lives. Part of my path since my wife’s passing has been creating connections and pursuing different personal artistic ventures. Coffee with John is part of that journey.

My coffee meet-up reminded me how much I enjoy engaging with people, hearing their stories, and learning and being inspired by the conversations. The original drive that inspired me to start this project is evolving. I am not the same person from three years ago. What iteration will this project have when I end is to be determined.

For now, I will continue to enjoy the journey.

What is your journey? How do you choose to live your life? What pursuits challenge you?

If you are interested in hearing others wrestle with those questions or even being part of the conversation, I encourage you to listen to my coffee mate’s podcasts Create Inspire Explore on Spotify or tune into his YouTube channel.

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#100 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

The 100th meet-up! I have arrived at a point of accentuation, a milestone in a journey leading to connections, both old and new in many senses of the word.

I could not have planned for a better companion for this benchmark in my ultimate goal of 150 coffee meet-ups with different people. We caught up for about an hr, talking about our daily lives, kids, and nothing in particular. I typically don’t go into details about my coffee mates but, making the exception here, let me introduce you.

She is a Vassar graduate, an MBA from the University of Michigan, Goldman Sachs alumna, author, consultant, board member of countless organizations, international speaker, the first woman to serve as CEO of the Dominican Republic Stock Exchange (BVRD), making her the first woman to hold such a position in Latin America.

If that was not impressive enough, I am honored and privileged to announce that my coffee mate for my 100th CWJ is at 52 years old getting ready to embark on obtaining a master’s in public administrations from Harvard University. Not only has she gotten accepted into the program, but she has also received the prestigious Presidential Kennedy Fellowship awarded on merit.

But most of all she is my sister-in-law. Our connection is that of shared memories, blood connection between her children and my son, and our deep love for her sister, my wife. We are bounded by an invisible thread of kinship. It is that human connection that transcends the accomplishments, accolades, successes, and all those identifiers/qualifiers/modifiers we carry around as our identities.

On paper, I find we are sometimes intimidated to talk or even approach a person we see with an impressive resume or a life filled with accomplishments after accomplishments, placing them on a pedestal and forgetting that we are all humans with a capacity to bond with each other, even for brief moments. The opposite can also be true where we are the ones thinking we are above a certain level to converse or bond with a person not within our social strata.

We all share that magical thread, the thread of love, suffering, experiencing loss, and all the emotions that makes us human. It is that space where I find beauty in sharing a moment and a conversation. Hope you too find that beautiful space as you step out of yourself and connect with others.

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#97 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

97

9 + 7 = 16

1+6 = 7

And here we arrive back at that original magical seven, a number that has inspired and led to my fury of wonderful, surprising last rounds of coffee meetups.

Ain’t it funny how in life, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart, we end up returning, willingly or unexpectedly, to that original place/spot that we had sworn to all the gods that never again – never again to date, fall in love, trust another with our emotions, or be such a foolish romantic.

No other area in our lives do we have so little control over (okay, perhaps hyperbole but entertain me here). Once our brains are on that high of estrogen, testosterone, endorphin, dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine, we are hopeless. Our sense of logic, constrain and whatever else we think makes us rational beings, all go out the window. Our reaction at times is to run away from it. Other times, we rush into it fully invested with no reins.

Sure, I have encountered many that have vowed not to date, completely giving up hope on finding a partner. And not a temporary pause to take care of themselves or other pending and pressing matters, but altogether. I applaud their conviction. Still, when the time strikes, it is magical to fall under that reckless spell of love and attraction, putting our hearts and ourselves at risk of heartbreak.

We might not all agree with Alfred Lord Tennyson’s famous words, “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” but the wonder of love is indeed magical and worth the pursuit of that beautiful quest, even if fleeting and the risks high. I say rush into and collide, whole-heartedly.

In addition to an enrienching conversation and many takeaways, my coffee mate for this round reminded me of the beauty of finding ourselves back at that gripping equation of love at different stages of our lives time, and time again with many personal adventures and tribulations in between.

  

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Interlude- Happy Valentine’s

Let love be an invitation to carry you in this world, caring, forgiving, and giving to you and the world the best version of yourself with all the wonderful imperfections that make you.

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#90 Coffee with John

I can’t say that I have been wronged to the point where my trust has been shattered. At the same time, I am not sure how you can measure such a thing.

A few events come to mind where I can say that my trust and faith in people have been tested. But, honestly, I probably have been guilty of being on the side of the culprit. How many times we do things without truly taking into account the effect of those actions on others? Or how many other times we feel like we have no option but to do something that you know will end-up hurting others?

Some situations are clear where the betrayal and hurt cut deep, sending people over the edge to the point of depression, despair, and being blinded by rage and a desire for vengeance or retaliation.

Maybe the depth of betrayal doesn’t matter in the end. What matters is the ability to forgive the trespassers of your trust.

That ability and the rays of hope and light that accompany the power to move forward and truly forgive I found in my coffee mate for this edition. Her story is that of hers to tell. What I will say is that it took, according to her own accord, time and healing to reach that point where she could sit on that understanding, moving to a place of peace, love, and grace.

Finding that power can set us free. Is it easy? Probably, not.

Now, I believe that I don’t hold grudges, but – if ever the time comes when I am truly tested – I hope I have the power to be beckoned by forgiveness and live and breathe on that space.

PS:

To learn more about the beautiful soul behind the story, you can check her blog, at https://porchdaydreamer.com/about/ You can also follow her Instagram, Porch Daydreamer

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#89 Coffee with John

Unfortunately, 89. My coffee mate was hoping to be #88 for this edition of CWJ – a number in numerology symbolizing fortune and good luck.

Her fortune as of late had taken a turn, going from independence to dependence, richness to hard economic times. Nonetheless, she was hopeful and talked of her resilience with lots of personal and professional projects under the works.

One of her projects, inspired by her grandmother, that we discussed includes collecting stories in the form of a set of four core questions from women that intrigue her. The ultimate goal for my coffee mate is to self-publish the collection with the intent of preserving the stories of those women for future generations.

She asked me to be a part of her project by answering the questions on behalf of my wife to give voice to Lari’s story. While I can’t say or know what Lari would have answered if she was still in this world, here I am taking the liberty of sharing an excerpt from one of my responses:

Can you recount an event, or time, when your perspective shifted significantly?  How?

 As a kid, because of health reasons and this perceived notion that I was a shy child, I was sheltered and overprotected by my family to the point where it was detrimental to my self-confidence and self-esteem. As a result, I had to overcome insecurities and false beliefs about myself and my capabilities. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I was able to free myself from that past and those limiting beliefs but a big contributing factor to reaching that shift had to do with forgiveness. I had to let go of resentment and be kind to myself as well as towards my family…

Not, 88. But, fittingly, 89 – a number that symbolizes building and creating a long-term positive effect on the society. I don’t know if my coffee mate will ever publish her project (we met through Bumble Bizz and, aside from our conversation and a few follow-up emails, we have not touched base again – as it happens in general). All I know is that in sharing and connecting with others through her effort, she is building and having a positive effect, creating a space to share stories and, in a way, preserving the stories of different women.

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Following up

So awesome to have heard from so many of you in response to my video yesterday, either through the comment section or privately. Makes me happy to hear that many of you are well, healthy, and thriving despite the many challenges facing us. Also, I thank those that reached out and shared with me your challenges. I am honored that you shared your story and the tribulations in your life with me. I thank you for your courage in sharing. Know that you are not alone. Here my response to yesterday’s post

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By popular demand

By popular demand (okay, like only three or four folks), I am creating a Youtube Channel that I am linking to my Coffee with John project. Here enjoy the premiere with this impromptu video that I made today

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#88 Coffee with John, phone edition – a first

Before Bumble blocked me, I had managed to get in touch with a few people on the dating mode of the application interested in CWJ, meeting face-to-face with one and talking over the phone with two others. The first of those meetings was over the phone, the first time for CWJ.

The conversation took place during the early evening as my coffee mate (not sure if either of us were drinking coffee because of the hour, but still) commuted back home from work, making it more conducive and safer to talk over the phone than to hold a virtual talk.

I was not sure what to expect since before our meeting we had perhaps exchanged a few texts over the app about the project and scheduling. Also, we had never met before and all we had for reference were the profile pictures on Bumble.

Surprisingly, we ended up talking over the phone for close to two hours with the conversation ranging from the perfunctory to the more nuanced, touching on personal issues of life experiences.

One of the themes that surfaced was about giving yourself permission, the freedom, kindness, and fortitude to fail, take risks, and live the moment with abandonment. Release the shackles of our expectations and image of what life we are supposed to live. Not saying we need to be a reckless mess without consideration of others. On the contrary, we need to take heed of our own consideration.

How many times have you found yourself acting a certain way or performing a task/function based on other’s perceptions? How many times you put your own feelings aside in the name of others?

We have this image of following or leading a certain way of life because that’s what we think society or those that we love dictate or need – be the proverbial son, wife, husband, worker, or whatever we have grown to believe. How many times have you lied to yourself and not spoken up about your true feelings in fear of displeasing someone? How many times you have said no to experiences because of fear of other’s perceptions?

The takeaway is to loosen up and, to use the motto in improv., say “yes and..“

What comes to mind as an example of what I am talking about, or close to, is my recent experience going winter camping. Had I done that before? No. Did I have a ton of reservations? Yes. Did I think it was risky? Without a doubt, giving the cold and expected inclement weather.

Part of me wanted to shut down the idea altogether, an idea brought to me by my son. The other wanted to see how it would all play out. The old me would have said, “no it’s too risky for X,Y&Z reasons” and would have caved to my fears and trepidation.

Prepared as best as possible with research, an action plan, trust in the universe, and faith in my kid’s gusto, preparation, and desire, I forged ahead. Yes, we did face trials and tribulations where I was challenged only a few minutes away from the final destination with the decision to go back or continue. Oh, I wanted to head back but, at the last minute, I gave myself permission to be reckless, taking into account the calculated risk.

In retrospect, a drive and motivation in saying yes is the ultimate trust I have in the universe, knowing that things can always go awry, no matter the preparation and planning. Knowing this and holding on to my trust, each phase of the winter camping experience became a moment to savor and conquer, making it more enjoyable. The risks could have wrecked the whole trip, costing us a whole lot that we had bargained for, but, in the end, the journey and the bonding I experienced with my son, priceless.

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#86 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

Correction! Correction!

Moments in life. They come and go.

Some moments you forget not because they were insignificant or didn’t impact your life. On the contrary, some passing moments carry you forward, helping you forget circumstances that are bogging you down. Those particular moments you might forget temporarily without realizing how much they have lifted you when you most needed it.

Coffee with John #86 was such a moment. Both my coffee mate for this edition and I had attempted to schedule a face-to-face meet up up for over two years. When I first started this journey, my friend had expressed an interest in meeting up but because of a series of reasons, we could not make a face-to-face happen. Now, with the pandemic, we settled for a virtual meeting.

I had a lot of things going on that day – work deadlines to meet and my dog’s pending euthanasia, scheduled for the next morning. Given that we had rescheduled a few times in the past, I didn’t want to postpone yet again. I am glad we kept the meeting.

I don’t recall when was the last time I had chatted with this friend, whom I came to know through my wife’s network of friends. I knew aspects of her life but not well. CWJ #86 allowed me the opportunity to learn more about her life and that of her family. I enjoyed learning how life led her to move to the United States, first moving to NYC where she met her husband. Their journey together led them to move to Charlotte where they lived for 10+ years, and now they are back in NY where their American journey began.

Through laughter and connection, my conversation with her carried me at an emotionally challenging time. It gave me pause and respite from all that was happening that week. Yet, I had completely forgotten about our meet-up.

After the conversation, I jumped back to that week’s reality, a week of successfully meeting deadlines yet filled with heartbreak as I mourned my dog. The conversation didn’t register until I had already published my previous CWJ write-up, realizing afterward that this conversation had proceeded that one, making this CWJ #86 not #87.

The takeaway? That I have a horrible memory. Kidding! When we are drowning in our reality, take pause and look for the moments that can carry us forth, from having a conversation with an old friend to taking a walk or going for a run. Look for those moments even if you forget them afterward.