Building on my momentum, Coffee with John # 71 represented my third time meeting with a complete stranger. This time I met them through a private neighborhood FB group.
I had posted about my CWJ project and asked if anyone wanted to meet up. Two brave souls who were willing to participate reached out. The first, I met virtually. The second brave soul I met face-to-face at a local cafe with us being the only patrons sitting down.
We shared a lovely conversation about life and part of our history. It was an uplifting discussion, leaving me light and energized.
In discussing the experience the next day with a friend, the question that came up was what prompts or drives strangers to meet up with me. I am not offering to buy, sell, date, or anything. And, in most cases, people buy their own coffee. All I am offering is the chance to meet and have a conversation.
With that question in mind, I reached out to coffee mate #71 and asked her what had motivated her to meet me.
Her answer inspired my takeaway: we need to challenge ourselves and explore life out of the bubble we surround ourselves with.
What have you done today that challenges and takes you out of your comfort zone? It can be as simple as talking to a stranger.
PS: I don’t have a picture from the meeting but I do have this picture from that day.
“Do you find a difference between virtual and face-to-face coffees,” I was recently asked.
I have incorporated virtual coffees from the beginning of CWJ. Based on those experiences, my original answer to this question was that I didn’t know if virtual meetings would offer the intimacy that in-person meetings provide as virtual meetings can more easily shield you behind the comfort of your home and the technology.
Coffee with John #70 proved me wrong. The meeting was the first meeting with a stranger I met through the Bumble Bizz networking App. We had only exchanged texts through the app before our CWJ.
What helped break the shield was a question she asked, taking me to an unexpected vulnerable spot. Honestly, I don’t recall the questions. All I remember was us having a typical, pleasant exchange you would have with a stranger anywhere.
Then, as we were wrapping up, she asked the question that changed the tone and created a deeper connection. I don’t know if it was because my wife’s anniversary was five days away or what but I had to control my emotions. I had not found myself in that spot in a long time.
My vulnerability provided the avenue for her to open up and share her journey caring for a spouse with an autoimmune disease, especially the challenges associate with that in a time of a worldwide pandemic. We both choked up and shared a moment of vulnerability, lasting perhaps seconds before we composed ourselves again. But that moment, and those like that, are the ones that show us our humanity.
My takeaway: you need to be willing to be vulnerable to let others in and to connect with others. We can pretend to put up shields to protect us from past hurts and experiences but to what price? Be vulnerable and be willing to take risks.
Fun, unpredictable, and filled with jumps from topic to topic. That describes Coffee with John #69
My coffee mate for this venturous journey: a friend I met at Vassar in 1994 when we were both a part of the school’s Exploring Transfer Program – a summer program in partnership with various New York community colleges to encourage students at junior colleges to consider transferring to four-year institutions, exposing students through an intensive 5-week program of courses with all expenses paid.
We both ended up as transfer students at Vassar, sharing a few history classes together and the experience of attending a four-year school. Not the best of friends but we were friendly and always had an amicable relationship. I had not spoken to this old pal from those long-gone days in years. I can’t even remember the last time we saw each other in real life.
The takeaway after an hour talk with this friend: it’s fun to reconnect with people from your past. We might see each other through social media but it’s not the same to take the time to have a conversation, even if over a video app. Go ahead and reconnect with people from your past. See what transpires.
To that point, not my takeaway but a question my friend brought up: why do we keep being friends with certain people on Facebook? That’s something to ponder and something my friend will be exploring soon as a personal project. Just like you, I too want to hear more about his project. Until we all learn what he is planning, consider that question and maybe start deleting people on your FB.
I thought this picture of me drinking coffee back in 1995 with my coffee mate in the background (pictured right) before we enrolled at Vassar was a perfect fit for this occasion:
Me with my coffee mate in the background (pictured right).
I have ventured out to increase my reach by posting about CWJ on different neighborhood FB Groups around my area.
The response has been positive with some folks reaching out, resulting in me having my first virtual coffee with a person completely outside my close network — I have had met with folks I didn’t know but they have been a direct association to Lari’s circle of friends.
The takeaway from Coffee with John #68: we never know what types of treasures we will find once we venture out.
My coffee mate, Elizabeth From Carolina, aside from kindly sharing her story, told me about an Ancient Spanish coin she found on the shores of North Carolina in a remote beach she and her family have been visiting for years. The story of her find is in it self a treasure that she can pass to family, along with the coin itself.
Connecting with a stranger and sharing a conversation for me was the treasure I found in my venturing to broaden my reach. Wander about and find hidden treasures.
Took a hiatus for a variety of reasons. Mostly, my focus has been elsewhere. But here I am back with newfound energy to continue with CWJ.
Coffee with John #67 took on a special meaning. My coffee mate for this round is someone dear to me.
As a child of 10 or so, for various life circumstances, I ended up living with my older sister and her husband. They were in their mid or late 20s, respectively, when they took me and my other sister in. We ended up living with them for almost two years before coming to the United States to finally be reunited with my mother.
Around my teenage years, my brother-in-law came back to my life once again when life found him moving to the United States in pursuit of the “American Dream.” At that time, my sister, his wife, was still back in Colombia. Before they eventually reunited in the United States, my brother-in-law, ended up as my roommate in a New York City apartment for a brief period.
On both occasions – when as a kid and then back in my teenage years -, I shared many adventures with him. In many respects, he was a bother and a father figure during my formative years. Among the many adventures, he taught me how to play chess and cook certain meals, took me on unforgettable traveling adventures, introduced me to Nueva Trova, and indulged and tolerated my high-school friends, joining us to play cards on the weekends.
As he and my sister eventually returned to Colombia over 20 years ago after living in the United States for a few years, we have grown apart. Still, the bond and the many memories we shared hold us together with love, care, compassion, and kindness. We are glued together by love, family ties, and journeys shared.
I honestly had not thought of asking him to meet up for a CWJ for no reason other than I just didn’t think of it. So I was honored when he asked me if I would include him in this project.
Took me a while but we finally had our virtual meeting a few weeks back. My takeaway from our eventual meeting: time colors and filters our understanding of our world.
Nothing to do with age or wisdom but our perception/comprehension/understanding of people, an event, a text, or what have you, all depend on where we are in life. We might see the same event or person in a completely different light today as we did a few years back. We evolve and so do our perceptions.
We might not understand something today but in a few years, we might gain a new perspective on it. The rub is that we might still not understand that thing but, at least, we might have a new insight and comprehension, informed by self-awareness, and the many steps taken in our life journey.
What that means is that perhaps we can give people, skills, or things that have alluded us before, a second, third, or fourth try throughout our lives.
“I am more than I have shown you and more than you are willing to see. Let’s work our love and know each other more fully.” Mark Nepo
My first virtual Coffee with John since the lock-down/quarantine began I shared with a friend of more than 24 years. She is my sister from another mother. My Puerto Rican sista!
This woman has had my back more times than I can count. While in college, she saved my ass countless times from starving with all of her extra meal points. My first official job after graduating I owe to her. If I had a Board Committee, she has been the Vice President, giving me advice, helping me when I have been down, and just being an incredible friend all throughout the twenty-plus years that we have known each other. Her acts of kindness have humbled me and, hopefully, made me a better friend to people.
The takeaway after our three-hour conversation is that there is not enough time in a lifespan to truly know someone. Over the course of our talk, we discovered new things about each other. Nothing deeply revealing or shocking but just new facts and quirks, adding and enriching an already rich friendship.
We don’t let people see aspects of ourselves either because the opportunity never presents itself or we refuse for reasons that we only know. Also, we limit ourselves in seeing or truly getting to know someone because of our own blinders, fears, and stories we carry. The time to change that is now.
We are experiencing an incredibly challenging and taxing time in our history with uncertainty looming at every corner. If you can and are in a position to do so, I encourage you to get to know people in your life in a whole different way. You might never get a chance like this again in a lifetime. Get a book of questions to ask, spend more time with loved ones, and/or get lost in their worlds. Let them see you and let them freely express themselves so you can see them, truly see them.
Coffee with John #61, just before all hit the fan.
My last Coffee with John meeting seems like ages ago. This was before the pandemic shelter in place ordinance I know, right? Ages ago!
Still, the takeaway seems more relevant than ever. The soulful person I met up with talked about locking herself and getting in touch with creativity.
Not sure how she has followed through but creativity has recently been a place I go to when facing personal challenges. Improv classes, drawing, acting, attempting to play the uke, taking pictures, writing, and just doing projects around the house have worked for me during this last year or so as a safe place to deal with my emotions.
In the last few weeks, I have seen creativity flourishing in all areas. People are getting creative in communicating with friends, loved ones, and colleagues. I have seen families come together to play different games. I have seen people decorate their sidewalks with chalk drawings. I have seen videos of people doing all kinds of creative activities – dancing, singing from balconies, cheering healthcare workers from across buildings, etc. Creativity flourishing during critical times is nothing new. Shakespeare wrote the narrative poems “Venus and Adonis,” and “The Rape of Lucrece” during the 1592-94 plague. I am sure we can look at history and the samples abound.
We all deal with challenges differently and no one way is the right way. But I say embrace creativity in your life. It might not mean creating a masterpiece or even delving into artistic endeavors. Creativity comes in many shapes and forms. It’s up to you to find your medium.
Be safe and hope we can meet up sometime soon for coffee.
A few days/weeks had passed before I returned to taking yoga after Lari passed away.
I remember that first day back with clarity because right at the end, a fellow yogi came to me as I was rolling my mat. Without a word or any other exchanges, she just gave me a hug. I don’t think we exchanged any words. It was a beautiful gesture and I carry that with me whenever I see this friend.
Finally, this weekend, I had the pleasure of having a Coffee with John with this lovely human being. We have known each other for years but our friendship hasn’t gone beyond practicing together. This was our first time meeting outside yoga. It was a pleasure to get to know her better and share another special moment under different circumstances.
My takeaway from our Coffee with John: that we don’t need to attach any meaning to every interaction or experience. Let me elaborate.
I kept asking myself, what is my takeaway? What did I learn from this interaction? What is the lesson? What can I impart to others from this meeting?
Beyond cultivating a friendship and deepening my appreciation for this person, I have no big revelations. Two hours passed and we talked, laughed and shared personal stories of trials and tribulations. Maybe that is the takeaway. That is, that you need to take the time to share a piece of yourself with others in other to connect and truly feel.
A major reason why that is that I haven’t been as active in reaching out to people. I want the meetings to be as organic and grounded as possible. I don’t want Coffee with John (CWJ) to be solely about me or about accruing meetups just for the sake of reaching a specific number of meetings.
If it takes me two or three years to reach that magic number, let it. If I never do, that’s fine as well.
Now, back to the takeaway from Coffee with John #57:
Sometimes, if not most, there will be no satisfactory answers to why things happen or why things are done to us. Life happens and we will feel that we have been wronged by others, many times over.
We can justify those events, circumstances, and reasons, but those answers might never truly quell what we seek.
What answers can we have for someone of a violent crime?
What can we tell a young child why his father or mother abandoned them?
What can we tell a man or a woman why their partners of XX years/months suddenly left or cheated on them?
What can you tell me why a relatively, young healthy person of no vices died of illness, suffering and in excruciating pain?
We can always find answer that fit the circumstances by saying, “things happen for a reason,” “that person is just incapable of loving you,” “it’s not your fault, it’s theirs,” “you were just a victim of circumstances,” or that “it’s all God’s plan.”
Perhaps, in those rare occasions, we will have the chance to confront and ask those we feel that have wronged us for answers, finding some solace in their response.
Not to invalidate any source that provides at least some sort of justification or reason to the whys, but I would argue that the answers need to come from within by making peace and truly letting go of those events that have scarred us.
The danger in not doing so is getting lost and being marked by those events, leading to unhealthy choices and behaviors that will only deepen our wounds and probably drag us down and others in the process.
I am not saying letting go is easy. I will be the first to tell you that I have been stuck many times over and over. And, unfortunately, I don’t have an answer on how do go about the process of letting go. I know what works for me – exercising, meditating, connecting with others, practicing forgiveness/kindness, seeking self-development and outlets of creativity, etc – but I am not going to tell you to follow my path.
We all have our journeys. Sometimes, we need outside forces in the form of therapy or medical intervention to help along the way. Hopefully, we can all carve out our own paths, leading to healing our hearts, spirits and minds.
All I can tell you is that I am a fellow traveler, falling and stumbling on the way.
I don’t know if I have a clear takeaway. What I left with was the thought of the stories we leave behind and the stories that precede us – those of our ancestors including our parents and next of kin.
How do those stories shape and define us? Do they inform us? Do the weight on us? Do those stories have any bearing on our lives and future? Do they matter in the end?
As someone that likes stories, I have always been curious about the stories of my relatives and those that came before me.
But what about mine? What is my story?
“…jmm was born in a small town in Colombia..life circumstances brought him to the United States where he lived in New York for XX years…Went to XX college..worked at XX place for XX years. He was married for XX years and had an only child. Not long after turning 45, his wife passed, leaving him a widower. After that, he continued to live in Charlotte NC for XX years until he blah, blah, blah. And that, children, is the story of your great grant-uncle/grandfather/great-grandfather/….”
That’s certainly part of my tale but do I even care if it’s passed down to future generations? Do you think of the story or legacy you will leave behind for the next bloodline?
All I can say is that what matters to me is having a positive imprint in the people around me – my kid, family, friends, colleagues, community and those I come in contact with, even for short periods.
In the end, whatever the story people will tell about me in the future (or even now) is filtered through their own lenses. So, all I can do is live life and write my story as life happens. I leave others to interpret and create their own narrative of it.
I guess the takeaway is that stories of our past, along with us, will fade. What matters is the now and how we chose to live our lives at this moment for ourselves and for those in our lives.
Coffee With John 