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#93 Coffee with John

Coffee with John #93

My Coffee with John (CWJ) mate for this round I met recently via an old post of a David Whyte poem that I had shared on a Facebook North Carolina Singles Group I had briefly joined and left, circa April 2020.

Somehow, as she was searching for David Whyte, she found the old post, leading her to recently contact me through my Coffee with John Facebook page. After a few exchanges, she kindly accepted my invitation to meet up as part of CWJ.

We talked about what led to our meeting and, among other things, discussed in passing David Whyte’s Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words.

In this book – a read I recommend you emerge yourself in -, Whyte takes everyday words and beautifully gives them a rebirth, expanding on their etymology and significance.

In the spirit of that book and the nature of this round of CWJ, here is my reflection/takeaway from this last coffee encounter with the word stranger as the anchor:

A Stranger

Who/what is a stranger?

A random act of generosity offered to you at a time of crisis with no reciprocity required by a person who happens to notice you at that moment when you are feeling alone with the void of familiar faces around  

A person exchanging a smile with you as they pass you, never to see them again

A passerby generously stopping to give you kind and helpful words as you seek their guidance to help you find your destination

A begrudged individual throwing insults your way because somehow your looks or way of being has offended their sensitivities.

A friend/lover/old neighbor no longer part of your life…  

I have met a lot of strangers as part of  CWJ. Some have moved into the friendship category – until they become strangers again shall our season of friendship end.

Smiles, acts of kindness, helpful words, and ephemeral moments to cherish have all been exchanged during my coffee encounters, a journey I cherish and continue to cultivate and nurture.

 

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#92 Coffee with John

An hour.

So much can happen in an hour – meet the love of your life, take a wrong turn in life, have an encounter that will alter the rest of your life..the possibilities are endless.

What’s in those magical 60 minutes and 3,600 seconds

How do you choose to spend an hour of your day?

Exercise? Mediate? Read a book/poetry/an essay? Write your own poetry/essay/book? Or squander it away doing this or that?

So many choices, with no rights or wrongs.

An hour is exactly how long CWJ #92 lasted.

In that hour of this last meeting, I learned part a story and journey of a talented, smart woman finding her way in the world with the ups and downs that life brings. I am always incredibly grateful for the generosity strangers give, letting me drop into their lives for a moment in time.

I recently came into the idea of living in a poem, a concept brought forth by American poet Naomi Shihab Nyei. She explains it as not a permanent state but one, “when you think, when you’re in a very quiet place, when you’re remembering, when you’re savoring an image, when you’re allowing your mind calmly to leap from one thought to another — that’s a poem. That’s what a poem does.” She goes on to talk about holding and savoring that space.

To me, that one hour (or hours) people generously give to me when they decide to take part and join me in this CWJ journey, represents that notion of living in a poem. That space of conversations, shared moments of reflections, thoughts and words exchanged, are a sacred, magical poem to hold, punctuate and cherish.

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#91 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

I had my takeaway all written down in my mind as soon as I finished my conversation with the wonderful, delightful, hopeful, jovial, and beautiful soul that accompanied me in this edition of CWJ.

I don’t take notes during my meet-ups. The idea for the write-up came bright and clear as soon as we ended our talk. But alas, how the mind betrays. Since then, over the weeks, my thoughts have evaporated with only a vague notion of what I wanted to convey.

Inspired by my mate’s artistry, creativity, and her journey of dealing with dramatic, life-altering events, the write I had in mind was about the space we tend to permanently occupy in our minds — that enduring space that affects our outlook in life. This is not to say that we don’t fluctuate in our line of thinking or that life events don’t color our perspective of the world and our role in it.

We have periods in which we set up camp in a dark space where all is daunting and opportunities don’t seem to exists. Other times, we find a bright spot where all is possible and nothing deters our determination, passion, dream, goals. Both of those or other places where we find camping can last a few seasons in our lives.

Still, we have a constant baseline that we can call home, the place that has for most of our lives determined our disposition. i.e. hopeful, funny, bright, pessimistic, jovial, trustworthy, loving, open-minded, power seeker, etc. Physiologist Gordon W. Allport called these, central dispositions or central traits. Now, that’s as far as I know about the terminology or the physiology of personal traits. I didn’t even know about the nomenclature of dispositions until writing this fifth paragraph. But I am digressing nor do I want to get into different personality traits as I know nothing about them.

What I left thinking about after CWJ #91 was about that space we occupy and how that space colors and affects how we chose to see and engage in life. I am aware that chemical imbalances, life circumstances, trauma, or a combination of other factors can completely alter our outlook, but what would you say is your baseline? How do you engage and see the world?

PS: I only identify my coffee mates if given permission or if the occasion lends itself. Here is the link to where you can find out more about the awesome, talented artist (Anita Darling – Fine Art) that accompanied me for Coffee with John #91:

https://bit.ly/2ZDqTiH

You may also find her on Instagram, at https://www.instagram.com/anita.darling.fineart/

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Interlude- Happy Valentine’s

Let love be an invitation to carry you in this world, caring, forgiving, and giving to you and the world the best version of yourself with all the wonderful imperfections that make you.

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Intermission – Question

While I work on my last write up for CWJ#91, here I share a video for your entertainment.

Hope you join me in moving or at least sharing with me what gives you energy aside from a good cup of coffee

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#90 Coffee with John

I can’t say that I have been wronged to the point where my trust has been shattered. At the same time, I am not sure how you can measure such a thing.

A few events come to mind where I can say that my trust and faith in people have been tested. But, honestly, I probably have been guilty of being on the side of the culprit. How many times we do things without truly taking into account the effect of those actions on others? Or how many other times we feel like we have no option but to do something that you know will end-up hurting others?

Some situations are clear where the betrayal and hurt cut deep, sending people over the edge to the point of depression, despair, and being blinded by rage and a desire for vengeance or retaliation.

Maybe the depth of betrayal doesn’t matter in the end. What matters is the ability to forgive the trespassers of your trust.

That ability and the rays of hope and light that accompany the power to move forward and truly forgive I found in my coffee mate for this edition. Her story is that of hers to tell. What I will say is that it took, according to her own accord, time and healing to reach that point where she could sit on that understanding, moving to a place of peace, love, and grace.

Finding that power can set us free. Is it easy? Probably, not.

Now, I believe that I don’t hold grudges, but – if ever the time comes when I am truly tested – I hope I have the power to be beckoned by forgiveness and live and breathe on that space.

PS:

To learn more about the beautiful soul behind the story, you can check her blog, at https://porchdaydreamer.com/about/ You can also follow her Instagram, Porch Daydreamer

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#89 Coffee with John

Unfortunately, 89. My coffee mate was hoping to be #88 for this edition of CWJ – a number in numerology symbolizing fortune and good luck.

Her fortune as of late had taken a turn, going from independence to dependence, richness to hard economic times. Nonetheless, she was hopeful and talked of her resilience with lots of personal and professional projects under the works.

One of her projects, inspired by her grandmother, that we discussed includes collecting stories in the form of a set of four core questions from women that intrigue her. The ultimate goal for my coffee mate is to self-publish the collection with the intent of preserving the stories of those women for future generations.

She asked me to be a part of her project by answering the questions on behalf of my wife to give voice to Lari’s story. While I can’t say or know what Lari would have answered if she was still in this world, here I am taking the liberty of sharing an excerpt from one of my responses:

Can you recount an event, or time, when your perspective shifted significantly?  How?

 As a kid, because of health reasons and this perceived notion that I was a shy child, I was sheltered and overprotected by my family to the point where it was detrimental to my self-confidence and self-esteem. As a result, I had to overcome insecurities and false beliefs about myself and my capabilities. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I was able to free myself from that past and those limiting beliefs but a big contributing factor to reaching that shift had to do with forgiveness. I had to let go of resentment and be kind to myself as well as towards my family…

Not, 88. But, fittingly, 89 – a number that symbolizes building and creating a long-term positive effect on the society. I don’t know if my coffee mate will ever publish her project (we met through Bumble Bizz and, aside from our conversation and a few follow-up emails, we have not touched base again – as it happens in general). All I know is that in sharing and connecting with others through her effort, she is building and having a positive effect, creating a space to share stories and, in a way, preserving the stories of different women.

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Following up

So awesome to have heard from so many of you in response to my video yesterday, either through the comment section or privately. Makes me happy to hear that many of you are well, healthy, and thriving despite the many challenges facing us. Also, I thank those that reached out and shared with me your challenges. I am honored that you shared your story and the tribulations in your life with me. I thank you for your courage in sharing. Know that you are not alone. Here my response to yesterday’s post

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By popular demand

By popular demand (okay, like only three or four folks), I am creating a Youtube Channel that I am linking to my Coffee with John project. Here enjoy the premiere with this impromptu video that I made today

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#88 Coffee with John, phone edition – a first

Before Bumble blocked me, I had managed to get in touch with a few people on the dating mode of the application interested in CWJ, meeting face-to-face with one and talking over the phone with two others. The first of those meetings was over the phone, the first time for CWJ.

The conversation took place during the early evening as my coffee mate (not sure if either of us were drinking coffee because of the hour, but still) commuted back home from work, making it more conducive and safer to talk over the phone than to hold a virtual talk.

I was not sure what to expect since before our meeting we had perhaps exchanged a few texts over the app about the project and scheduling. Also, we had never met before and all we had for reference were the profile pictures on Bumble.

Surprisingly, we ended up talking over the phone for close to two hours with the conversation ranging from the perfunctory to the more nuanced, touching on personal issues of life experiences.

One of the themes that surfaced was about giving yourself permission, the freedom, kindness, and fortitude to fail, take risks, and live the moment with abandonment. Release the shackles of our expectations and image of what life we are supposed to live. Not saying we need to be a reckless mess without consideration of others. On the contrary, we need to take heed of our own consideration.

How many times have you found yourself acting a certain way or performing a task/function based on other’s perceptions? How many times you put your own feelings aside in the name of others?

We have this image of following or leading a certain way of life because that’s what we think society or those that we love dictate or need – be the proverbial son, wife, husband, worker, or whatever we have grown to believe. How many times have you lied to yourself and not spoken up about your true feelings in fear of displeasing someone? How many times you have said no to experiences because of fear of other’s perceptions?

The takeaway is to loosen up and, to use the motto in improv., say “yes and..“

What comes to mind as an example of what I am talking about, or close to, is my recent experience going winter camping. Had I done that before? No. Did I have a ton of reservations? Yes. Did I think it was risky? Without a doubt, giving the cold and expected inclement weather.

Part of me wanted to shut down the idea altogether, an idea brought to me by my son. The other wanted to see how it would all play out. The old me would have said, “no it’s too risky for X,Y&Z reasons” and would have caved to my fears and trepidation.

Prepared as best as possible with research, an action plan, trust in the universe, and faith in my kid’s gusto, preparation, and desire, I forged ahead. Yes, we did face trials and tribulations where I was challenged only a few minutes away from the final destination with the decision to go back or continue. Oh, I wanted to head back but, at the last minute, I gave myself permission to be reckless, taking into account the calculated risk.

In retrospect, a drive and motivation in saying yes is the ultimate trust I have in the universe, knowing that things can always go awry, no matter the preparation and planning. Knowing this and holding on to my trust, each phase of the winter camping experience became a moment to savor and conquer, making it more enjoyable. The risks could have wrecked the whole trip, costing us a whole lot that we had bargained for, but, in the end, the journey and the bonding I experienced with my son, priceless.