Tag: Bumble

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#89 Coffee with John

Unfortunately, 89. My coffee mate was hoping to be #88 for this edition of CWJ – a number in numerology symbolizing fortune and good luck.

Her fortune as of late had taken a turn, going from independence to dependence, richness to hard economic times. Nonetheless, she was hopeful and talked of her resilience with lots of personal and professional projects under the works.

One of her projects, inspired by her grandmother, that we discussed includes collecting stories in the form of a set of four core questions from women that intrigue her. The ultimate goal for my coffee mate is to self-publish the collection with the intent of preserving the stories of those women for future generations.

She asked me to be a part of her project by answering the questions on behalf of my wife to give voice to Lari’s story. While I can’t say or know what Lari would have answered if she was still in this world, here I am taking the liberty of sharing an excerpt from one of my responses:

Can you recount an event, or time, when your perspective shifted significantly?  How?

 As a kid, because of health reasons and this perceived notion that I was a shy child, I was sheltered and overprotected by my family to the point where it was detrimental to my self-confidence and self-esteem. As a result, I had to overcome insecurities and false beliefs about myself and my capabilities. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I was able to free myself from that past and those limiting beliefs but a big contributing factor to reaching that shift had to do with forgiveness. I had to let go of resentment and be kind to myself as well as towards my family…

Not, 88. But, fittingly, 89 – a number that symbolizes building and creating a long-term positive effect on the society. I don’t know if my coffee mate will ever publish her project (we met through Bumble Bizz and, aside from our conversation and a few follow-up emails, we have not touched base again – as it happens in general). All I know is that in sharing and connecting with others through her effort, she is building and having a positive effect, creating a space to share stories and, in a way, preserving the stories of different women.

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#88 Coffee with John, phone edition – a first

Before Bumble blocked me, I had managed to get in touch with a few people on the dating mode of the application interested in CWJ, meeting face-to-face with one and talking over the phone with two others. The first of those meetings was over the phone, the first time for CWJ.

The conversation took place during the early evening as my coffee mate (not sure if either of us were drinking coffee because of the hour, but still) commuted back home from work, making it more conducive and safer to talk over the phone than to hold a virtual talk.

I was not sure what to expect since before our meeting we had perhaps exchanged a few texts over the app about the project and scheduling. Also, we had never met before and all we had for reference were the profile pictures on Bumble.

Surprisingly, we ended up talking over the phone for close to two hours with the conversation ranging from the perfunctory to the more nuanced, touching on personal issues of life experiences.

One of the themes that surfaced was about giving yourself permission, the freedom, kindness, and fortitude to fail, take risks, and live the moment with abandonment. Release the shackles of our expectations and image of what life we are supposed to live. Not saying we need to be a reckless mess without consideration of others. On the contrary, we need to take heed of our own consideration.

How many times have you found yourself acting a certain way or performing a task/function based on other’s perceptions? How many times you put your own feelings aside in the name of others?

We have this image of following or leading a certain way of life because that’s what we think society or those that we love dictate or need – be the proverbial son, wife, husband, worker, or whatever we have grown to believe. How many times have you lied to yourself and not spoken up about your true feelings in fear of displeasing someone? How many times you have said no to experiences because of fear of other’s perceptions?

The takeaway is to loosen up and, to use the motto in improv., say “yes and..“

What comes to mind as an example of what I am talking about, or close to, is my recent experience going winter camping. Had I done that before? No. Did I have a ton of reservations? Yes. Did I think it was risky? Without a doubt, giving the cold and expected inclement weather.

Part of me wanted to shut down the idea altogether, an idea brought to me by my son. The other wanted to see how it would all play out. The old me would have said, “no it’s too risky for X,Y&Z reasons” and would have caved to my fears and trepidation.

Prepared as best as possible with research, an action plan, trust in the universe, and faith in my kid’s gusto, preparation, and desire, I forged ahead. Yes, we did face trials and tribulations where I was challenged only a few minutes away from the final destination with the decision to go back or continue. Oh, I wanted to head back but, at the last minute, I gave myself permission to be reckless, taking into account the calculated risk.

In retrospect, a drive and motivation in saying yes is the ultimate trust I have in the universe, knowing that things can always go awry, no matter the preparation and planning. Knowing this and holding on to my trust, each phase of the winter camping experience became a moment to savor and conquer, making it more enjoyable. The risks could have wrecked the whole trip, costing us a whole lot that we had bargained for, but, in the end, the journey and the bonding I experienced with my son, priceless.

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Bumble Notification- Blocked!

No nudes, bathroom selfies, or indecent requests, I promise!

With a personal disclaimer that I was not using the site for dating but for only connecting with folks for my CWJ project, Bumble blocked my account.

Apparently, people took offense that I was not dating and reported my profile. To a certain point, I get it. I am irresistible and, if you can’t have me, nobody else can’t. Kidding!

All is good. I understand the logic and I respect the rules.

Now, if we had tentatively scheduled a CWJ for after the holidays, I have no way of getting in touch with you. Truly sorry as I was looking forward to connecting. If you found this post, please send me a message and we will reschedule. It would be great to connect.

Thank you!

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#83 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

I dedicate this post to the memories, times, and to the chapter my dog, Speedy, played in my life. – R.I.P Speedy June 2008– November 2020

I felt good going into this virtual coffee with a stranger from Bumble Bizz. He had a kind face and a good disposition. If you asked me what the profile says or what he aims to get out of networking on Bumble Bizz, I couldn’t tell you without having to check now.

If on other occasions I had reservations “walking” into zoom or in-person meetups with a stranger, I didn’t this time. I had a good vibe about it.

The conversation went smoothly, with the hour flying by. It was a delightful hour interchanging experiences, ideas, stories. Still, for reasons of life, chances that we meet in person are probably nil.

The experience reminds me of conversations I have had in the past at airports, trains, coffee shops with strangers where you build rapport, share a moment, and are left with a desire to have kept in touch with that person or at least carried the conversation just for a while longer. Those moments come to pass, and those people and the conversations are all left behind in the wind of time with no going back or forward.

Remembering the countless occasions of such occurrences what comes to mind for this takeaway is the impermanence of life. Moments in life are but chunks. Friendships, interactions with people, relationships, and situations all come and go. Some last an hour, others a good season. Bask in the moments that bring you joy, and don’t dwell on the bad. All is transient. We are as well.

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#81 Coffee with John

As I have opened this project to meet people outside of my network, the question of motivation and intention keeps coming up for me.

What are the intentions and motivations of the people I meet? Are my own intentions and motivations clear to the people I meet?

Those are questions that have become even more pronounced as I meet people through Bumble Bizz, and as a result of Coffee with John profile on the Ballantyne Magazine .

Bumble Bizz is full of consultants, real estate agents, financial advisors, “influencers,” and folks looking to sell, acquire investors, or build their careers somehow, not to mention the men and women looking for something beyond a business connection. The intentions and/or motivations of the strangers reaching out to me directly because of the article are not as obvious.

Perhaps they, like me, just want to make a connection. I don’t know. By nature, I am skeptical, and — as a person who grew up in NYC — my guard is up most of the time. So I know I am asking a lot with the premise of this project. Yet, even for myself, I can’t help my nature and go back to the questions of intentions and motivations.

I can’t say I have had anyone tried to sell, convince, or rope me into anything. Nor have I had any negative experiences with people trying to cross any boundaries. What I have experienced is a desire to share with me a particular narrative to influence what I might end up writing as my takeaway.  That might be driven by the human desire to share, influence, or perhaps a public misgiving/misconception of what Coffee with John is all about.

I never know what I will end up writing. Nor do I know what will influence my takeaway. It might be the conversation or it could be the vibe of the meeting. Coffee with John #81 reaffirmed for me my intentions and motivations.

My intention is connecting, sharing a moment, and, if it leads to, cultivating friendships and welcoming new people into my social circle. The motivation comes from a place of healing, grieving and dealing with the cards life has given me.

From the start, people have asked me if I mix dating with this project. The short answer is no. That has been clear for me from the start, wanting to keep those set of boundaries and worlds separate.

This does not mean I haven’t had Coffee with John meet-ups with people I have or are currently dating. But, those connections came independently of this project. Ultimately, I want CWJ to be a safe space for me and the people I meet.

The takeaway for Coffee with John #81 is that I will continue to trust my intuition as I meet new people without worrying about their motives or intentions. In the end, I trust.

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#78 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

Last week or so, through Bumble Bizz, I had a virtual CWJ with a young man from Ninety Six (yes, 96!), a town in Greenwood County, South Carolina with a population of roughly 2,000 people. That hour long conversation inspired the following write-up:

As part of rituals, war, ceremonies, religious traditions, or disguises, masks have formed part of society since ancient times.

More than ever, masks are ubiquitous and part of our daily wardrobe.

No matter if you are donning an actual mask or not, we all wear an invisible mask, projecting into the world a persona. Behind that invisible mask, the insecurities, emotional scars, fears, and the many qualities and idiosyncrasies that make us, us.

We hide behind our masks, often not letting people see our true selves to our own detriment. The persona we put out sometimes actually conceals our bravery, confidence, and humanity – all the attributes we all want to project.

The takeaway: we can best serve ourselves by putting away the mask/persona we project into the world to let our true selves soar. We can learn from embracing our vulnerability, self-doubts, and go for what we want despite all that can hold us back.

PS: if you are curious to know more about this intriguing resident of 96, I encourage you to visit his website: https://www.deshaunwilliamsindustries.com/

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#70 Coffee with John – Virtual Edition

“Do you find a difference between virtual and face-to-face coffees,” I was recently asked. 

I have incorporated virtual coffees from the beginning of CWJ. Based on those experiences, my original answer to this question was that I didn’t know if virtual meetings would offer the intimacy that in-person meetings provide as virtual meetings can more easily shield you behind the comfort of your home and the technology.

Coffee with John #70 proved me wrong. The meeting was the first meeting with a stranger I met through the Bumble Bizz networking App. We had only exchanged texts through the app before our CWJ. 

What helped break the shield was a question she asked, taking me to an unexpected vulnerable spot. Honestly, I don’t recall the questions. All I remember was us having a typical, pleasant exchange you would have with a stranger anywhere.

Then, as we were wrapping up, she asked the question that changed the tone and created a deeper connection. I don’t know if it was because my wife’s anniversary was five days away or what but I had to control my emotions. I had not found myself in that spot in a long time.

My vulnerability provided the avenue for her to open up and share her journey caring for a spouse with an autoimmune disease, especially the challenges associate with that in a time of a worldwide pandemic. We both choked up and shared a moment of vulnerability, lasting perhaps seconds before we composed ourselves again. But that moment, and those like that, are the ones that show us our humanity.

My takeaway: you need to be willing to be vulnerable to let others in and to connect with others. We can pretend to put up shields to protect us from past hurts and experiences but to what price? Be vulnerable and be willing to take risks.