Gratefulness comes to mind as the takeaway for this installment of CWJ.
I am blessed to have family, friends, and people in my life that genuinely care and have and continue to be there for me and my kiddo with their love, kindness, and friendship.
My coffee mate for this round is among those special angels. She is my cuña, my sister-in-law. Over the years, we have gotten along well. What truly solidified our bond transpired a month or two before Lari – my wife, her sister – left this plane to roam and dance in the outer cosmos.
Leaving her family and hectic life back in Florida, my cuña came on separate times to spent time with us, helping us while we were in the thin-and-thick of things. Aside from helping with the day-to-day functions of the house, more importantly, she was there for Lari, my kid, and myself.
During those separate occasions, we shared moments of laughter amid a difficult period for all of us. The bond she built with my kid at the time continues today. The following summer after Lari passed, she and her family took my kid on a vacation to the Dominican Republic that he still recalls fondly.
All those thoughts and more came to mind last week or so when we shared a conversation over coffee for an “official” CWJ.
I was left feeling grateful. Lean on the power of gratefulness and cherish those that bring that light into your life.
Last week or so, through Bumble Bizz, I had a virtual CWJ with a young man from Ninety Six (yes, 96!), a town in Greenwood County, South Carolina with a population of roughly 2,000 people. That hour long conversation inspired the following write-up:
As part of rituals, war, ceremonies, religious traditions, or disguises, masks have formed part of society since ancient times.
More than ever, masks are ubiquitous and part of our daily wardrobe.
No matter if you are donning an actual mask or not, we all wear an invisible mask, projecting into the world a persona. Behind that invisible mask, the insecurities, emotional scars, fears, and the many qualities and idiosyncrasies that make us, us.
We hide behind our masks, often not letting people see our true selves to our own detriment. The persona we put out sometimes actually conceals our bravery, confidence, and humanity – all the attributes we all want to project.
The takeaway: we can best serve ourselves by putting away the mask/persona we project into the world to let our true selves soar. We can learn from embracing our vulnerability, self-doubts, and go for what we want despite all that can hold us back.
Do places hold positive/negative energy? Do certain spots possess magical qualities affecting our moods?
I have certainly experienced the energy flow of certain places. Two recent places come to mind. The first, Tayrona National Park, in northern Colombia. The other, Latta Nature Center and Preserve. I am not going to tell you what I experienced but I definitely felt the vibrations of those places.
In this last round, as we were wrapping up, my coffee mate invited me to sit at a trunk/bench located in Freedom Park to see if I felt the energy of this magical spot for her.
That experience brings me to my takeaway: no matter how much you might try, you will never be able to experience or understand a person’s perspective or how they see and experience the world around them.
The question is how much are you willing to lean on trying to understand their viewpoint without a desire to change their minds or impose your own experience on them?
Some issues, circumstances, situations are easy to let go of your perspective and jump into the viewpoint of the other person. Other issues, well, not so easy to lean on, especially these days.
Hatred, racism, violence, bigotry, and arrogance are issues I have no room to lean on. Nor could I try to understand those driven by those forces. Still, for the most part, we do a disservice when we close ourselves without at least hearing and putting ourselves in the shoes of those we love and within our community.
I know I have, as of recent, been guilty of imposing my own feelings and perspectives when I should have spoken less and just sat and reflected for a moment where the other person was at the time with their feelings and emotions.
Perhaps, if we try to lean on and see the world as others see – without judgment and with more empathy – we can at least come to new understandings about ourselves while providing the space for others to be heard and be seen.
Inspired by the conversation, what follows is what
CWJ #74 brought about:
Disrupt
create
construct
canalize
deconstruct
alchemize
mistrust
Intellectualize
Who are you?
How do you see the world?
How does the world see you?
Erupt
rationale applies
Entrust
self-analyze
Defunct
crystallize
exult
Man arrives
Perceptions come - discover new ones
Conclusions go - question the directions
World views erupt - keep grounded
#9
#4
So much I can say about this dear friend. We have known each other for almost two decades or more. Our friendship is uncomplicated. I hold her friendship dear to my heart. I am grateful to have her as a light in this journey of life.
We have shared many conversations and secrets. Our coffee together this time around did not shatter any new grounds or reveal anything new — two old friends talking with each other amidst a world gone topsy-turvy.
What made the occasion ultra special is the time we set up to talk. As a mother, wife, full-time architect, and the many other hands she wears, for her taking the time to talk with me represented an ordeal. Habits, routines, day-to-day activities, had to be disrupted.
The takeaway: what habits/routines are you willing to break to dedicate to something you want to do but it’s not part of your regular day-to-day?
We get in this hamster wheel, ignoring friendships, the desire to workout, the goals of pursuing that one thing that you have meaning to do but never seem to have the time for.
We become engrossed in our habits and roles -working, parenting, exercising, practicing YXZ, or just doing our thing – that we ignore or stop pursuing other interests because we feel we must do what we are already doing.
But, must we really do what we do all the time? All of those habits/routines will be waiting for us. Stop. Take stock, break the routine, do something out of the ordinary. That could be waking up an hour earlier to spend an hour chatting with an old friend.
Of the few, if not the only, picture we have together.
Fun, unpredictable, and filled with jumps from topic to topic. That describes Coffee with John #69
My coffee mate for this venturous journey: a friend I met at Vassar in 1994 when we were both a part of the school’s Exploring Transfer Program – a summer program in partnership with various New York community colleges to encourage students at junior colleges to consider transferring to four-year institutions, exposing students through an intensive 5-week program of courses with all expenses paid.
We both ended up as transfer students at Vassar, sharing a few history classes together and the experience of attending a four-year school. Not the best of friends but we were friendly and always had an amicable relationship. I had not spoken to this old pal from those long-gone days in years. I can’t even remember the last time we saw each other in real life.
The takeaway after an hour talk with this friend: it’s fun to reconnect with people from your past. We might see each other through social media but it’s not the same to take the time to have a conversation, even if over a video app. Go ahead and reconnect with people from your past. See what transpires.
To that point, not my takeaway but a question my friend brought up: why do we keep being friends with certain people on Facebook? That’s something to ponder and something my friend will be exploring soon as a personal project. Just like you, I too want to hear more about his project. Until we all learn what he is planning, consider that question and maybe start deleting people on your FB.
I thought this picture of me drinking coffee back in 1995 with my coffee mate in the background (pictured right) before we enrolled at Vassar was a perfect fit for this occasion:
Me with my coffee mate in the background (pictured right).
I have ventured out to increase my reach by posting about CWJ on different neighborhood FB Groups around my area.
The response has been positive with some folks reaching out, resulting in me having my first virtual coffee with a person completely outside my close network — I have had met with folks I didn’t know but they have been a direct association to Lari’s circle of friends.
The takeaway from Coffee with John #68: we never know what types of treasures we will find once we venture out.
My coffee mate, Elizabeth From Carolina, aside from kindly sharing her story, told me about an Ancient Spanish coin she found on the shores of North Carolina in a remote beach she and her family have been visiting for years. The story of her find is in it self a treasure that she can pass to family, along with the coin itself.
Connecting with a stranger and sharing a conversation for me was the treasure I found in my venturing to broaden my reach. Wander about and find hidden treasures.
Took a hiatus for a variety of reasons. Mostly, my focus has been elsewhere. But here I am back with newfound energy to continue with CWJ.
Coffee with John #67 took on a special meaning. My coffee mate for this round is someone dear to me.
As a child of 10 or so, for various life circumstances, I ended up living with my older sister and her husband. They were in their mid or late 20s, respectively, when they took me and my other sister in. We ended up living with them for almost two years before coming to the United States to finally be reunited with my mother.
Around my teenage years, my brother-in-law came back to my life once again when life found him moving to the United States in pursuit of the “American Dream.” At that time, my sister, his wife, was still back in Colombia. Before they eventually reunited in the United States, my brother-in-law, ended up as my roommate in a New York City apartment for a brief period.
On both occasions – when as a kid and then back in my teenage years -, I shared many adventures with him. In many respects, he was a bother and a father figure during my formative years. Among the many adventures, he taught me how to play chess and cook certain meals, took me on unforgettable traveling adventures, introduced me to Nueva Trova, and indulged and tolerated my high-school friends, joining us to play cards on the weekends.
As he and my sister eventually returned to Colombia over 20 years ago after living in the United States for a few years, we have grown apart. Still, the bond and the many memories we shared hold us together with love, care, compassion, and kindness. We are glued together by love, family ties, and journeys shared.
I honestly had not thought of asking him to meet up for a CWJ for no reason other than I just didn’t think of it. So I was honored when he asked me if I would include him in this project.
Took me a while but we finally had our virtual meeting a few weeks back. My takeaway from our eventual meeting: time colors and filters our understanding of our world.
Nothing to do with age or wisdom but our perception/comprehension/understanding of people, an event, a text, or what have you, all depend on where we are in life. We might see the same event or person in a completely different light today as we did a few years back. We evolve and so do our perceptions.
We might not understand something today but in a few years, we might gain a new perspective on it. The rub is that we might still not understand that thing but, at least, we might have a new insight and comprehension, informed by self-awareness, and the many steps taken in our life journey.
What that means is that perhaps we can give people, skills, or things that have alluded us before, a second, third, or fourth try throughout our lives.
My older sister and I have been sharing coffee for years but two weeks ago or so we sat down for an official Coffee with John meeting, making it Coffee with John #65. The takeaway: some conversations and connections will be ongoing. They will carry over and will always pick up where you left off.
I am fortunate enough to have a strong connection with all my siblings. As with any relationship, we have different bonds. With my older sister, she has been there for me at different, critical moments of my life. I remember when my father died it was my sister who first embraced and hugged me amidst the chaos and confusion.
The memories come in flashes, like in a dream: I am standing outside in front of the door of my house where a neighborhood kid meets me with the words, “your dad is dead.” I enter and walk aimlessly in the long-hallway of the house observing all that is happening around -people talking, crying, rushing in and out. In one of the rooms, I see my other sister inconsolably crying. I pass the room and keep going.
I continue down the hall where people look at me, pat me on the head, ask me if I need something to eat. I continue and come across the room where my dad is covered in a white sheet.
I am no longer looking inside the room. I continue walking among the sea of people almost undetectable, unseen. Among the confusion, I see her, my older sister who has recently arrived from out of town where she lives. I rush towards her and she embraces me, making it all so real yet all secure.
Since then, that has been my older sister. That figurehead that makes all feel real, yet secured. She was there for me when Lari died. She is here, stuck in Charlotte away from her family in Colombia, once again making all real, yet secure.
The other day I had the pleasure of having coffee with two incredible women whom I respect and adore deeply.
They are fierce, accomplished, smart, beautiful, tenacious, loving, and magnificent people. I have been fortunate to learn from them and share a friendship with them over the years. The friendship and dynamics are different with each one. Still, over the years, I have come to cultivate genuine connections with each.
My takeaway: how fortunate I have been to have amazing people in my life. We all do!
But it takes work to cultivate and maintain relationships, especially as we all move and experience life transitions. It is easy to let friendships slide or fall to the cracks. We can all get caught up in our own stories, neglecting to seed and fertilize our garden of friendships. When it comes to these two dear friends, I know there have been gaps when we were not in touch, sometimes for months or years. That happens. Fortunately, some bonds never fade away.
Appreciate the special people in your life. You are lucky to have them and they are lucky to have you. Cultivate and strengthen those links to build even deeper connections.
Some relationships are worth the investment. Sometimes is not a give or take approach. All relationships have different dynamics and require more work than others. Of course, it takes two to tango. You need to know when to walk away or provide the space when the other party is not reciprocating. All in all, appreciate those that bring light and love to your life.
Coffee With John 