coffeebeans – Coffee With John

I have great respect for the past. If you don’t know where you’ve come from, you don’t know where you’re going. I have respect for the past, but I’m a person of the moment. I’m here, and I do my best to be completely centered at the place I’m at, then I go forward to the next place.” — Maya Angelou

It’s a funny thing, our past. Does it define us? Does it dictate our present? Does it mark us with a scarlet letter to carry our whole lives?

I don’t know if I developed the notion of the past not having any bearing on me after reading Bruce Lee’s Tao of Jeet Kune Do entering my twenties, but for a long time, I held that notion. “I have no past,” I would tell myself.

Of course, I developed a lot of life philosophies after reading that book and during that early time of my formation, thinking I had unraveled the mysteries of life.

But I am digressing, misguided or not, the past is a hard lover/partner/treasure/friend/foe to dismiss entirely.

We need to come to terms and make amends with whatever cards the past might have dealt us. Others might carry and have in their minds an unforgiving imprint of who we were at some point in our lives, reminding us of faults, shortcomings, sins, and transgressions. Heck, sometimes, you don’t need others to remind us. We are all well-versed in hitting those sweet melancholic notes to bring us down.

The past might have marked us and influenced our direction in life, but the voices of the past have no room in keeping us prisoners to a skin we have long shed (if we indeed have shed that skin).

I share Maya Angelou’s sentiment. I respect the past. It has shaped, influenced, provided a starting point in my life, and given me sweet memories, along with soured ones, too.

But, ultimately, for most of us, what we have in front of us and how we choose to live our lives today, matters more. For others, without trying to sound too dramatic or religious, the road to salvation might not be so forgiving; your penance will be your cross to bear, each day an opportunity to amend the past and those left behind in the wake of our actions/inactions.

Rare are those skillful in asking questions from deep down their heart with genuine curiosity. I am not talking about the questions that you might exchange in your ordinary, day-to-day interactions, say a first date, a working meeting, and an interview. (Although what I am talking about here can happen in any of those scenarios, too).

What I am talking about is the type of situation where you get deep and lost in a conversation where the person is asking you question after question in a manner that is not intrusive but welcoming, not accusatory but explorative, not diminishing but encouraging, not perfunctory but thorough, not as an avoidance ruse but an invitation to conversation. The type of questions that are thoughtful and insightful, beckoning you to answer with all guards down; where you feel heard and seen.

I have only encountered a few of those rare inquisitive wizards in my lifetime. They are curious and can create an almost magical atmosphere where the exchanges are mutual and the conversation is selfless. Such was my coffee-mate for CWJ #109. It’s no wonder why she is pursuing a master’s in therapy. She has a gift!

But we don’t need to be of a special breed or be pursuing a master’s. That quality of becoming a wizard at asking insightful questions is not out of our reach. The magic recipe is leaning into our curiosity, exploring our inquisitiveness about the other person, and putting aside egos, nerves, agendas. The payout is rapport and a stronger bond with people.

Don’t take my word for it. Have you heard of what has become known as the 36 Questions to Fall in Love? If you haven’t, read about the study of principal psychologists Arthur Aron, Ph.D., and Elaine Aron, Ph.D., a study made popular in a New York Times Modern Love essay.

I don’t know if you will find love by embracing and testing out those questions in the field but at least you can’t draw some inspiration to have in your armor for the next time you are ready to engage in a magical conversation.

Taking my cue, it is only fitting that I ask you a question inspired by one of the 36: What are three things you currently feel most grateful for?

Here are my three:

My son – Born on my birthday, he is the best gift I have ever received. As soon as I saw him coming out of Lari’s womb, I was in love (no need for any question). Love, magic, adventure, anxiety, worry, and all the wonders fatherhood brings I welcome and continue to enjoy in the endless adventure that is parenthood.
The people in my life – I am grateful for the special people in my life. I am grateful for a good network of friends. I am grateful for good colleagues. I am grateful for good neighbors. I am grateful for people that I rarely know but make a visit to the gym, the supermarket or other places I frequent, a joy.
My health – , I am grateful for my general good health. I am grateful to have the ability to do what I like – yoga, run, exercise, hike, etc. I am grateful that I don’t suffer from any underlining conditions.

Your turn.

Tag: coffeebeans

#122 Coffee with John

#109 Coffee with John: Question, Lean into Curiosity