Sitting down for coffee in New York City on a rainy, cold winter morning with one of my closest and oldest friends from college this past February triggered memories of the sweetness of a city I called home for nearly 17 years.
New York saw me grow, giving me unforgettable experiences, like running for my life after getting jumped in an apartment lobby on Halloween evening to my most memorable one: seeing my son born in Lenox Hill Hospital in Manhattan.
Whenever I step out into the New York City streets, part of me returns to a place and time of my life that warms my heart and soul. Sharing coffee and breakfast that morning with my friend moved me in a way I had not expected.
Our friendship has always gone through phases where some years we more or less lose touch. Still, no matter the years or how long we have not seen each other, we share one of those relationships where we can always pick up wherever we left off, talking and laughing about this and that.
Seeing this old friend had the same feeling that erupts within me whenever I return to New York: a coming back home in ways that feed and lift my spirit. I could not have asked for a more fitting impromptu “Coffee with John,” than this occasion.
Sounds corny, but the saying, “home is where the heart is” holds true. We can return to “home” in the relationships we carry, and in the places and people we hold close. Cherish the moments and opportunities to visit your metaphorical home.
“What has been your favorite Coffee with John?” I get asked this question regularly.
It may sound like a cop-out, but I don’t have a definite answer. The 116 meetings so far have all had their moment in my heart, propelling me in the direction I needed. Having said that, meeting #117 stands on its own.
My son has a high school friend whom I have enjoyed knowing throughout the years. He is bright, charming, charismatic, curious, and engaging. In the last few years, he would surprise me with a visit when he was in the area, even knowing that my son was not home.
We would catch up and have a quick conversation, but those moments always felt rushed. Whenever he dropped by, I was either pressed for work or scrambling to rush out of the house.
I can’t remember how long it had been since I had seen or heard from him after he moved out of the area. So, I was thrilled when he reached out to schedule a Coffee with John meet-up at the beginning of this year.
After going back and forth, our meeting coincided with my son’s performance for CreativeMornings Charlotte. We had to do some shuffling and running around town that morning as he doesn’t have a car, but we worked it out, deciding I would pick him up to drive together to see my son perform.
Our coffee meeting started when he got inside the car until I dropped him off three hours later at his house after the CreativeMornings event. During that time, I had the chance to express my appreciation for his energy, kindness, sensibility, and his friendship with my son.
In between, we caught up with each other, experienced a great performance (I might be biased, but it was a wonderful and magical performance), and connected with creatives and community leaders attending the event. An added benefit for me was drinking a whole lot of free coffee! My hands were jittery from all the caffeine and the excitement of seeing my kid perform in front of a full house.
I loved that we were both flexible with the circumstances. Could we have been more present with each other? Could we have delved deeper into the various topics that surfaced? Probably, but we adapted and enjoyed the in-between moments.
We reconnected. He had the chance to enjoy his high school friend at a pivotal moment in his musical journey, and I got to enjoy my son and spend time with a delightful individual.
The takeaway: Move in the direction of the momentum. Surf that wave, losing and putting aside the rigidity of what it’s supposed to look or feel like. We get so caught up in ideals and forget to adapt to the water and surf.
Not from Coffee with John meetings – taken in a trip to New York, NY
“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” ― Rob Siltanen ( FYI: Steve Jobs didn’t write this as many think)
What is normal?
What is a “normal” life/job/livelihood/relationship?
We are all in a race to reach this so-called normal in all different aspects of our lives.
From childhood, we have been guided and instructed to follow the path of the student, professional, parent, wife, husband, 9 to 5 Joe, or whatever box fits.
But what is normal? Do we need to fit a societal mold to be considered good-standing citizens of the world?
The paradox is that what we consider “normal,” might not be for many; it all depends on where we are standing in relation to the quest. For many, college is the norm but for many financial or societal obstacles make it an untenable path.
Or even if we consider someone following/being normal, many areas of their lives or personalities might clash or defy the very same box we placed them in.
Normal becomes hard to describe and pinpoint when we get into nuances, but we can all agree that we can identify the outliners carving and hedging their unique road.
My companion for my Coffee with John #116 exemplifies the latter. I am in no position to tell her story. She is a web developer, yoga instructor, graphic designer, retreat facilitator, avid camper, future presidential candidate in the making, outdoors enthusiast living out in the woods for weeks, and much more. I admire her resilience, tenacity, and path as she makes her mark in this life.
The roads we take – normal or off the beaten path – all take us to where we find ourselves today. While we can’t retrace our steps, the beauty is that there is always a new road awaiting, beckoning us to take that first step into the unknown to create our adventure.
Deviate from the “normal” once in a while and surprise yourself.
I leave you with Robert Frost’s The Road Not Taken with this as I wrap my Coffee with John this December.
Happy holidays and best to you in 2023. Hope our paths cross as we take the road less taken.
The Road Not Taken
By Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference
A simple act: losing yourself in the word of loved ones as an expression of appreciation, love, devotion, or curiosity. It can take the form of joining a friend, a lover, a partner, or a family member on a rainy, miserable day on their favorite activity but not so much yours. It can also entail reading a book important to them or taking a leap of faith and trying out food they love and that you have never heard of in your life.
The possibilities are endless and we all might partake in this simple act of love without realizing it. One way or another, we do it all the time but how many times do we do it deliberately and with intention?
I came away with that takeaway as I was wrapping Coffee with John #115. What came to mind specifically was taking the time to get to know, one-on-on, the people in the lives of our loved ones: their friends, lovers, and close associates. Stepping out of our relationship with that person to have a conversation with let’s say their boyfriend, wife, or best friend who is a stranger to us or we have only interacted with them in a group setting.
I understand that this might not always lend itself as relationship dynamics don’t always allow for those interactions. Taking that step could get us into murky territory and uncomfortable boundaries. Our wives/girlfriends/husbands might despise our friends or family members. Their friends or family members might not like us. Our beloved and beautiful partners might have a say in our desire to know their supermodel, attractive best friend. And we all have that one crazy friend we don’t even know how we are friends with in the first place. Do we really want that person talking to anyone in our circle? I am being hyperbolic but you get me, right?
Having said that, I want to advocate that if we can navigate those dynamics with clear intentions, we should take the time to sit down for a coffee with the people in close orbit with those we treasure. Take the time to know the friends of your spouse, parents, children, and close friends.
The experience might introduce you to a new person to appreciate and open up a new window into your loved ones. Or not. Still, take the step and dive into the world important to our loved ones. We might all be better for it.
When was the last time you did something for pure joy?
Most kids do that all the time. They might have some initial trepidation, but they go for the adventure, letting themselves be carried away by the moment without care or worries. They run down the hill with open arms, laughing and being present.
As adults, we tend not to be easily swayed by that hill, holding back and overthinking: it’s too steep, and what if I fall; my shoes will get dirty; I don’t have the proper attire; I will have to come back up; and a thousand other thoughts crossing our minds before we turn our backs away from that magnificent mountain top beckoning us to take the chance.
Am I an adventurous person? Have I always been adventurous?
I don’t know if I have a check box to answer either of those questions.
I have turned my back and stepped away from a promise of an adventure many times. Fear, skepticism, mistrust, and lack of confidence have been the culprits. Yet, I feel I have taken many steps forward in following a path open to exploring and running down valleys of fun wherever they take me.
It doesn’t mean my old friend trepidation stops visiting with vows of seduction, tempting me to take the bait to rest in a cradle of comfort and safety. A case in point: a few days before my Coffee with John #113 that old acquaintance came knocking hard.
No good reason or anything to do with my coffee mate but dread was getting the best of me. I don’t know why.
Perhaps my hesitation came on the heels of pondering the question a few weeks back of why I was continuing this project (a question that each new meeting provides new steadfast grounds to forge forward).
The meeting reminded me to let go of reasons, justifications, fears. Trust and run the mountain top with open arms to all possibilities.
If I had canceled or postponed the meeting, I would have robbed myself of a joyful conversation, a good coffee, and the chance to get to know an intriguing lawyer/business owner with a penchant for history, making a difference and leaving a mark in the landscape of Charlotte.
Spread your arms wide and embrace the adventure of everyday life.
She was always looking to volunteer and be of service wherever we settled, dragging me and my son along many times against our wishes. She volunteered at schools, preschools, animal shelters, and any organization that tugged at her heart. Children’s causes had a special place for her. Her ultimate dream was to open an orphanage in her native Dominican Republic (DR).
The few times we visited DR she would set aside in our luggage toys or clothes to disperse to family members in need or random children playing along the side of dirt roads next to shanty houses — the image of a young girl smiling in complete amazement when my wife handed her a doll comes to mind as I write this sentence. I still have a bucket half full of Barbie dolls and other toys we never got to take but which I hope to give away one day on a trip back to her land.
My coffee mate for Coffee with John #112 reminded me of that magnanimous spirit that so inspired my wife. A stranger who reached out to me after seeing my CWJ FB Group and Ballantyne Magazine piece, my mate seems to be involved in different organizations, from the arts to health-care services, volunteering and giving her time with utter joy, kindness, and passion.
I don’t know nor can I pretend to know what drives those selfless spirits to give part of themselves to their communities: religion, love, or a sense of duty. Whatever the motivator, if there is even a need for one, prompts the question: how are you showing up in your community?
Personally, I had continued the tradition, setting aside at least one Saturday a month to volunteer at Crisis Ministry, but all that got derailed once the pandemic hit. Now, I have no excuse. I have continued to donate blood but I hope to renew that flame and get back to giving to the community somehow, even on a small scale.
I hope you find your own reasons to give back and get involved in your community. If you do, share your story with me and tell me your experience of perhaps bringing a smile and a sense of wonder to a fellow passenger in this life.
The first meet-up of 2022, five months after the start of the year! How could that be? Where have the months gone by?
Probably the why is the crucial question here. Why has it taken me this long to continue Coffee with John (CWJ)?
A few answers: getting COVID at the beginning of January for the second time since the pandemic; a few people bailing out at the last minute; almost losing my toes to frostbite, putting me out of commission for a few months; and, to be honest, a lack of motivation.
The latter is harder to explain. Not that I have no desire to continue and meet my goal of meeting 150 people. Still, the momentum is not the same. As I have probably mentioned before, I am not the same, nor does life find me in the same spot when I started this project.
My grief, pain, and emotional toil are not the same. I am in a good place – emotionally and mentally. Life finds me experiencing love again and all the magic and adventure that comes with the euphoria of a new relationship.
What then continues to be the driving purpose of this project? Do I continue for the sake of continuing? Do I take this initiative in a different direction? Do I call it quits? As my motivation, energy, focus, and attention will divert me in different directions, how long will it take me to eventually meet my goal?
Meeting #111 served as a reinforcement of how much I enjoy connecting with people. The conversation flowed from different topics, from talking about life experiences to sharing family stories, belief systems, and the circumstances/events leading to where life finds us. In the end, I got to know a fellow friend better, gaining a renewed appreciation for a friend and his life experiences.
CWJ sets a stage for an openness that might otherwise not occur, allowing me to hear and become an active participant in sharing stories that hopefully provide value to my coffee mates and myself. This will continue to be my drive: the desire to connect and share a moment with a fellow traveler in this journey we call life.
Only fitting that the conversation included talk of resolutions and new year’s eve traditions, like the ritual of running around the block at the strike of midnight with a suitcase to welcome more travel.
Actually, I don’t think I have ever seen anyone carry out that tradition or the one about wearing specific colored underwear to bring a particular attribute into their lives (e.i, yellow for good luck, red for love, white for inner peace, and I don’t know what else). Now, I don’t know about you but, most likely, I was wearing black as most of my underwear is of that color. Wait! Please excuse this interruption while I look at what wearing black underwear on new year’s eve means.
I am back. It means…
I am digressing. I don’t mean to talk about my underwear or yours. A more interesting topic that came to the forefront during my conversation is the self, the center of almost every New Year resolution.
Even if we disdain the thought of new year rituals, it’s probably one of the few times of the year when we are drawn to actively or indirectly engage in thinking or discussing the goals/activities we want to undertake, placing the self at the center.
The irony is that we live in a self-centered society already where the “I” is ubiquitously displayed on our social media. The paradox is that we lose ourselves. The “I” becomes a persona, playing a part on the Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, TicTak stage.
Or we get lost in the never-ending to-do. Not far, or an integral part of the must get dones, we get lost in the I am a spouse, parent, worker, artist, caregiver, professional, and whatever other roles we are fulfilling. You strip those personas/roles and we might have an identity crisis.
Who are we without any of those qualifiers? What makes us, us? What are we doing to take care of ourselves? How are we cultivating a deeper knowledge of ourselves outside the parameters of an attached identity? What motivates/inspires us? How do we become present with ourselves without getting lost in distractions that are not expansive, i.e distractions that do little to challenge us, or contribute to our well-being?
I was confronted by a version of those questions at two critical points in my life: first, when I lost my wife and, then a year later, when I became an empty nester. I had always had a separate identity, doing my yoga, running, and following other interests outside of being a husband and father. Still, faced with those new realities, I was forced to redirect my life, making those sets of questions more pronounced and immediate. Not always easy or with clarity, I have welcomed the challenges and the possibilities of getting connected and reacquainted with myself, exploring past and new interests: practicing meditation, reading more, challenging myself to hike on my own, exploring online classes, and learning more about various subjects including photography and sexuality. All those are avenues of exploration that call out to me for a variety of reasons.
I am not going to prescribe or pontificate about any specific activity to pursue. Instead, I encourage all of us to put our phones down to take two to ten minutes a day to explore different paths of self-care and exploration. A good starting point might be answering the question of what is going on with YOU outside any of our prescribed roles. Start with that question to begin formulating and solidifying an identity of what you want for yourself, be it a hobby or an attribute.
A response might be that there is no time. How many times do we say “I don’t have the luxury, energy, time, or bandwidth to meditate, read, or do x.” I don’t negate the reality of time constraints and other hurdles we all have in our lives. But the essential question/challenge is how can we take of others and that of our thousands of responsibilities when we are getting lost in the identities of others and neglecting our physical, mental, emotional needs. Find yourself.
Rare are those skillful in asking questions from deep down their heart with genuine curiosity. I am not talking about the questions that you might exchange in your ordinary, day-to-day interactions, say a first date, a working meeting, and an interview. (Although what I am talking about here can happen in any of those scenarios, too).
What I am talking about is the type of situation where you get deep and lost in a conversation where the person is asking you question after question in a manner that is not intrusive but welcoming, not accusatory but explorative, not diminishing but encouraging, not perfunctory but thorough, not as an avoidance ruse but an invitation to conversation. The type of questions that are thoughtful and insightful, beckoning you to answer with all guards down; where you feel heard and seen.
I have only encountered a few of those rare inquisitive wizards in my lifetime. They are curious and can create an almost magical atmosphere where the exchanges are mutual and the conversation is selfless. Such was my coffee-mate for CWJ #109. It’s no wonder why she is pursuing a master’s in therapy. She has a gift!
But we don’t need to be of a special breed or be pursuing a master’s. That quality of becoming a wizard at asking insightful questions is not out of our reach. The magic recipe is leaning into our curiosity, exploring our inquisitiveness about the other person, and putting aside egos, nerves, agendas. The payout is rapport and a stronger bond with people.
Don’t take my word for it. Have you heard of what has become known as the 36 Questions to Fall in Love? If you haven’t, read about the study of principal psychologists Arthur Aron, Ph.D., and Elaine Aron, Ph.D., a study made popular in a New York Times Modern Love essay.
I don’t know if you will find love by embracing and testing out those questions in the field but at least you can’t draw some inspiration to have in your armor for the next time you are ready to engage in a magical conversation.
Taking my cue, it is only fitting that I ask you a question inspired by one of the 36: What are three things you currently feel most grateful for?
Here are my three:
My son – Born on my birthday, he is the best gift I have ever received. As soon as I saw him coming out of Lari’s womb, I was in love (no need for any question). Love, magic, adventure, anxiety, worry, and all the wonders fatherhood brings I welcome and continue to enjoy in the endless adventure that is parenthood.
The people in my life – I am grateful for the special people in my life. I am grateful for a good network of friends. I am grateful for good colleagues. I am grateful for good neighbors. I am grateful for people that I rarely know but make a visit to the gym, the supermarket or other places I frequent, a joy.
My health – , I am grateful for my general good health. I am grateful to have the ability to do what I like – yoga, run, exercise, hike, etc. I am grateful that I don’t suffer from any underlining conditions.
How many times do we dismiss invitations to new experiences either because of fear of newness or because something doesn’t fit our mold/expectations? From the small stuff to more hefty decisions, we are quick no say no and stay within the conform of our routines and what we know.
No to a party. No to a networking event. No to a last-minute invitation. No to hanging out with new people outside our established network. No to forgiveness. No to uncertainty. No to…you fill in the blank.
I am the first to tell you that I am guilty of it and will probably say no to many things that challenge my comfort zone. Yet, I have, especially in the last few years, leaned in more in the positive direction: saying yes and conquering many inhibitions.
Yes to opening my heart again. Yes to improv classes. Yes to new friendships. Yes to traveling more. Yes to events. Yes to engaging people and activities I would have dismissed in the past.
The positives outweigh any, if any, negatives as a result of being open to the “new” experiences.
Inspired by her recent journey and my relationship with her, my coffee mate for this round is a prime example. We met on a dating app. While I can’t speak on her behalf, I think it’s a safe bet to say that we both didn’t feel a romantic connection. It could have been easy to go our separate ways with the usual pleasantries and the empty promise of a friendship. Yet, for over a year now, we have kept and leaned into that promise of cultivating a friendship, inviting each other into our lives, sharing interests, dating experiences, and life and adventure stories. I have another such friend that I meant while I was in the dating online world.
Don’t get the wrong impression here. I haven’t befriended everyone that I had met on dating sites nor do I offer my friendship that readily. Still, the times I have and people have reciprocated, the dividends have been tenfold. I don’t know if those friendships will endure the passage of time. All I know for this moment is that my horizons have expanded with new knowledge, music, social networks, and friendships.
My coffee mate is on her own journey of leaning into possibilities, exploring untapped relationships and potentials. I am not proposing for you to follow my path. Forge your way and delve into possibilities in different areas of your life. Say yes to something that you have put aside for a while or keep saying no to. You never know where the journey will lead you. Let’s challenge ourselves to explore and see possibilities where we normally don’t.
Coffee With John 