Tag: Grief

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#130 Coffee with John: Virtual Edition

I remember the pain and the unrest that the tragic death of George Floyd brought across the nation.

Recently, I met a resident of Minneapolis who lived and experienced the unrest firsthand. Living a few blocks from where Mr. Floyd died, she and her community of friends and neighbors had to come together and help each other get through those tumultuous events.

Listening to her story as we met virtually for this round of Coffee with John, transformed headlines and statistics into something far more intimate. It brought George Floyd’s story closer, turning it from a distant tragedy into a neighbor’s lived reality.

This is why we must travel, talk to strangers, and make connections beyond the bubbles that surround us.

How can we sympathize and empathize with others when we are only experiencing the world through closed walls — walls we create and are exacerbated by social media algorithms, the news we consume, and the company we select?

I don’t doubt that we can identify and sympathize with strangers, events, and tragedies miles from where we live. Still, when familiar with the people and those affected places, we feel it deeper into the cavities of our hearts.

News of the California fires takes on a different dimension when you’ve walked those trails and spent days in the now-vanished neighborhoods. The burned house with the koi pond isn’t just another far-away tragedy – it becomes visceral, and you feel the despair and gravity of the loss at your core.

Same with areas and communities like Asheville, NC that have been part of your experience. The floods that hit those areas are more than news. Your mind goes to restaurants, friends, art galleries, and shops you visited with your son or girlfriend that might not be there when you visit next time, expanding your understanding of a shared reality.

In writing this, I learned that what I am describing is what sociologists call proximity empathy. The notion is that getting close to people can help us understand them better and develop empathy for their experiences.

The challenge lies in overcoming the barriers to experiencing the world and connecting with people different from us. Perhaps it starts by joining a random meet-up group, reading memoirs from across different walks of life, or, simply, talking to a stranger.

At a time when our nation is more divided than ever, the responsibility of not losing touch with our humanity and sympathy for others falls on all of us.



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129 Coffee with John

“Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted”

– Marthe Troly-Curtin.

I am sure I am not the first proponent, but I suggest we think about how we invest our time rather than how we waste or spend our time.

Yes, we do let time slip out of our hands each day through endless distractions—social media, online games, and endless scrolling on the internet. What I am suggesting is that we be deliberate about how we choose to engage with the time in our day.

Dedicate 10, 15, or even 45 minutes to activities that bring joy, enhance your life, or foster growth—even if they seem trivial to others.

Juggle a soccer ball, meditate, read a fantasy book, get out of the house for a walk, meet a friend for coffee, or do whatever fancies you, but do something that takes you out of your routine. Invest in yourself.

The hour talking to my coffee mate for this round of Coffee with John inspired this line of thought. Outside of social gatherings and the confinements of the yoga studio where we have known each other for a few years now, I didn’t know much about my coffee companion.

The hour investment has yielded many dividends. It has cultivated a friendship with a wonderful, generous person and introduced me to resources, musicians, restaurants, and more previously unknowns to me.

It is easy to say no to new experiences or dedicate a slot of our time to breaking our daily routines. My coffee mate could have said no to my invitation to be part of this project, but she took the risk of investing an hour away from her responsibilities and daily habits. I hope that investment has brought her as much of a return as it has for me.

My challenge is for you to find a dedicated time to invest in one activity that might enrich your life, from a small task you have been dreading to something you have always wanted to accomplish like learning photography.

You might need to overcome a fear, set aside time away from family, or make a monetary investment. Those challenges will seem insignificant as you break through, opening new horizons and realms of possibilities. If those challenges overwhelm you, I suggest you read Atomic Habits by James Clear. His whole principle is about taking small steps to accomplish your goals.

My challenge: learn how to juggle a soccer ball.

Coffee with John – November 5, 2024

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#128 Coffee with John

The phrase “live your truth” is often touted as a guiding principle, but what does it mean?

Is it an act of bravery, or can it be seen as selfishness? What price do we pay for pursuing our path? Where do we draw the line between pathological behavior and a moral compass? Where is the boundary between honoring your inner truth and disregarding the impact on others?

The lines between living authentically and considering others’ feelings can be blurred or be clearly defined, depending on the context. Would we lie to family and friends, pretending all is well? Would we hide parts of our personality to conform to the status quo? What price are we willing to pay (either way, there is a price to pay)?

I can’t pretend to know the answers or know how I would tackle a situation that would force me to break from my community, friends, or family. The closest I have come is distancing myself due to political disagreements, but I strive to meet people with mutual respect and civility.

Markus Zusak’s “The Book Thief” provides an extreme example where the protagonists subtly defy Nazi Germany. Their quiet acts of kindness were a form of resistance and living with accordance with their inner values, but outright defiance meant death and punishment for their loved ones.

Fortunately, most of us never face such dire predicaments. Still, life is full of circumstances where embracing our truth can feel like a death sentence, breaking away from family, work, community, and friends. This can take the form of ending a relationship, disavowing core beliefs or embracing our hidden sexuality . Whatever the circumstances, bravery and integrity are required: integrity to live by your inner compass; and bravery to endure the price, including judgment, alienation, criticism, and backlash.

I didn’t get to discuss these questions with her but this brings me to Desiree, my coffee mate for this round of “Coffee with John.” You can read her story of living her truth in her own words as part of the HuffPost Personal essays here.

Desiree and her husband made a decision that changed their lives. What prompted me to invite her for a virtual coffee was not their decision to abandon their church or open their marriage, but her openness to connect with people from different walks of life—parallel to the spirit that fuels my “Coffee with John.”

Despite our three-hour time zone difference, in the spirit of CWJ, Desiree joined me with a black, cold brew from their special batch. We discussed her journey since her 2023 HuffPost article. Her life has had ups and downs, but she remains on a path of self-discovery as a wife, writer, mother, and sexual being in the exploration of her sexuality.

Our conversation ended abruptly as our Zoom time ran out, leaving many questions and themes unearthed.

I leave you with these questions to consider: How are you living your truth? Will you open yourself to scrutiny in search of your tribe, even if it means leaving behind what has shaped you so far?

Ultimately, living our truth requires a delicate balance on the high wire of life, where we must adjust each step to prevent falling.

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#126 Coffee with John

What do you think of Charlotte as a community?

A recent comment made me reflect on my own experiences and sense of community here.

My coffee mates for this round of Coffee with John (CWJ), Alejandra and Pedro (Somos dos Universos/We are two Universes), share with me the strong sense of community we have found in the Queen City.

For two hours or so, we touched on different topics including their journey across the US, from the East Coast to the West – an adventure they set out to shortly after they arrived in the United States. They lived in New York, California, and Florida before settling in Charlotte. A common thread emerged: their strong sense of community.

In their short time living here, they have become an integral part of a thriving network of artists, entrepreneurs, and leaders through their social media and non-profit ventures, and their dedication to volunteering and supporting others.

As we chatted, they greeted a few familiar faces walking into the cafe. One woman, who was in the process of moving back to Charlotte after some time away, was introduced to us by one of those familiar faces. She shared a different perspective. Having lived here for two years previously, she felt the city lacked a sense of community.

Experiences can differ for so many reasons. A place that holds romantic notions for some can be a source of sadness and heartbreak for others. While I can’t speak for this woman’s experience, I can share my own. Like Alejandra and Pedro, I have found a welcoming and generous community in Charlotte.

The people I have met throughout my 17 years here have been my rock. When my wife was going through treatment, the community’s kindness and generosity helped us weather emotional and financial hardship. After her passing, the same support system, along with new connections, helped me through my grief with hugs, kind words, and practical acts like checking in and sending movie gift cards. When I ventured into projects like Coffee with John or Latinx Portraits, the community responded with unwavering support and faith in my abilities. I have had strangers sit with me for a cup of coffee. I have had an exhibit of my work. I have had the opportunity to receive a grant in support of my photography.

I’ve met wonderful people in New York and Florida, too. But the level of community I’ve experienced in Charlotte surpasses anything I found in the Big Apple or the Sunshine State. Alejandra and Pedro embody the spirit of community I cherish in this city.

I hope anyone moving here for the first time or returning can find the kindness, love, opportunities, and support I know Charlotte offers.

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#125 Coffee with John

“A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer.”

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

A super spy? A wealthy, brilliant engineer, inventor, turned half-man, half-machine with imaginable powers?

What makes a superhero? Who is your superhero in your life?

My mate for this round of Coffee with John and I had talked about our superheroes, among other topics. As a community organizer, he has many stories of people becoming superheroes in their own narratives.

One story he shared with me is that of a woman who overcame nearly losing her house by taking on the lender for unfair and predatory lending practices. She went from feeling powerless as a mother with a special needs child to finding her voice, overcoming her comfort zone to tackle Goliath. Her journey forced her to do public speaking and get comfortable talking to news outlets. Today, she continues to advocate, empowering others to find their voice.

My own superhero, my late wife, faced cancer with an unwavering spirit. Even in her darkest and most painful days, she found ways to inspire and lift others, never feeling sorry for herself. Through her journey, I met a handful of superheroes who stood by our side from the start of her cancer diagnosis to the day she died. Friends and members of her extended network carried us through those challenging days, from providing a shoulder to cry on, organizing fundraisers to help us deal with medical debt to bringing us food at times when we were physically and mentally drained. In particular, her friends Maria and Becky will always be my superheroes.

I don’t know what exactly makes a superhero a hero. I know that for me has been people lending a hand without any expectations, those overcoming extraordinary challenges, individuals or communities standing up for themselves or others, and those finding ways to lift their community.

Within that definition, my coffee companion for this round is a superhero. I admire his advocacy work, honesty in handling a history of depression, and determination to use art for self-expression and to lift others. Through his advocacy and art, he is sharing stories of unsung heroes and empowering many to lift their voices.

We might not all be the best version of ourselves at all times. We stumble, we falter, and our egos and emotions sometimes cloud our judgment. But within each of us is the potential for a small act of kindness, a word of encouragement, or a helping hand that can make a world of difference, not just for others, but for ourselves. All it might take is being brave for five minutes longer than the rest.

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#124 Coffee with John

“Ancient Egyptians believed that upon death they would be asked two questions and their answers would determine whether they could continue their journey in the afterlife. The first question was, ‘Did you bring joy?’ The second was, ‘Did you find joy?’”

-Leo Buscaglia

Have you always known what you wanted to do with your life? 

Some are lucky and find their calling early in life. 

Others are still searching. 

Since the age of five, I knew I wanted to be a grant writer, a sentiment no grant writer has ever uttered! 

Clearly, I group myself with the wandering souls, not to say I have not practiced or done what I love. I have been fortunate to successfully make a living by weaving words together.

They might not be novels, plays, poems, or what we might associate with writing, but life has allowed me to work on a craft supporting the arts as a grant writer for a theatre company. Ironically, I remember two or three people early in my life telling me that whatever I did in life should not be anywhere near writing. 

Perhaps those words of doubt fueled me with a drive to push myself to master the craft, hammering each comma and period at a time, leading to where I am today. To the chagrin of my detractors, I can confidently say now that I can write a cohesive sentence.

In the last few years, I have continued to explore other aspects that call out to me. This exploration is connecting me with the inner artists I have long neglected. As a kid, I enjoyed spending endless hours drawing and painting. Chasing photography brings me that same joy. The ability to combine photography and writing through my projects is a pinnacle I continue to pursue. 

Will I make a living out of it? Is that my calling? 

 I don’t believe in having one calling in life, nor am I pursuing fame, glory, and fortune. Why not embrace a polymathic approach if one can? What I am after is nourishing my soul and engaging in what brings me joy. Equally important for me is using whatever talents are at my disposal to tell stories, connect with community, and grow professionally, personally, and spiritually.  

Sharing, learning, nourishing the soul, and challenging myself are central to my pursuits. Concurrently, these elements align with my coffee mate’s goal to build a business to help people connect with their passions, dreams, and goals. 

My place here is not to talk about her business but rather to leave you with the query: how would you answer the question posed in the quote at the start of this write-up? 

What brings you joy? How are you spending your time in this season of your life? What are you doing to share your talents with the world despite what others think? What actions can you take today to unearth those dreams and passions long buried in the treasure box of your memories?

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#123 Coffee with John

Standing at the precipice, heart pumping, adrenaline kicking, the task at hand we have performed hundreds of times, yet the small voice whispering, “Can you do this?” 

How often do we doubt our capabilities, despite praise, recognition, or the repetition of that tantalizing task we pursue, one that might even pay the bills?

What comes to mind as a recent example is the year-long portrait project I recently completed, an initiative that actually put me in touch with the coffee mate inspiring this post. 

I embarked on taking 25 portraits of different people within the Latinx community. Each portrait posed a challenge. Some were easier than others, but being out there with the camera in hand and the person in front of me, I could hear that voice echoing in the back of my head.  

My anxiety/concern revolved around honoring the essence of the person and technically taking a good picture. 

Another example is when I have had to write a proposal for work in an unfamiliar area, or for a new project to develop. At that threshold, the voice comes and challenges me.  

Imposter syndrome, fear, lack of confidence, or maybe the passion that drives us puts that pressure. I recently listened to a podcast where author Robert Greene (The Art of Seduction, Mastery, The 48 Laws of Power, among other books) described his writing process and how each draft felt like a daunting, anxiety-inducing puzzle. Yet, each draft and iteration, a step closer to refining and polishing his ideas.  

The connection here is that instead of interpreting that little voice as doubt look at it as the catalyst for growth and push needed to spread your wings and take the leap from the edge of the precipice.

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#122 Coffee with John

I have great respect for the past. If you don’t know where you’ve come from, you don’t know where you’re going. I have respect for the past, but I’m a person of the moment. I’m here, and I do my best to be completely centered at the place I’m at, then I go forward to the next place.” — Maya Angelou

It’s a funny thing, our past. Does it define us? Does it dictate our present? Does it mark us with a scarlet letter to carry our whole lives? 

I don’t know if I developed the notion of the past not having any bearing on me after reading Bruce Lee’s Tao of Jeet Kune Do entering my twenties, but for a long time, I held that notion. “I have no past,” I would tell myself. 

Of course, I developed a lot of life philosophies after reading that book and during that early time of my formation, thinking I had unraveled the mysteries of life. 

But I am digressing, misguided or not, the past is a hard lover/partner/treasure/friend/foe to dismiss entirely.

We need to come to terms and make amends with whatever cards the past might have dealt us. Others might carry and have in their minds an unforgiving imprint of who we were at some point in our lives, reminding us of faults, shortcomings, sins, and transgressions. Heck, sometimes, you don’t need others to remind us. We are all well-versed in hitting those sweet melancholic notes to bring us down. 

The past might have marked us and influenced our direction in life, but the voices of the past have no room in keeping us prisoners to a skin we have long shed (if we indeed have shed that skin).     

I share Maya Angelou’s sentiment. I respect the past. It has shaped, influenced, provided a starting point in my life, and given me sweet memories, along with soured ones, too. 

But, ultimately, for most of us, what we have in front of us and how we choose to live our lives today, matters more. For others, without trying to sound too dramatic or religious, the road to salvation might not be so forgiving; your penance will be your cross to bear, each day an opportunity to amend the past and those left behind in the wake of our actions/inactions.

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#121 Coffee with John – Virtual Edition

“Wisdom cannot be imparted. Wisdom that a wise man attempts to impart always sounds like foolishness to someone else … Knowledge can be communicated, but not wisdom. One can find it, live it, do wonders through it, but one cannot communicate and teach it.” 

 ― Hermann Hesse,   Siddhartha 

I can’t remember much of Herman Hesse’s “Siddhartha” as many moons have passed since I first read it. What has stayed with me over the years is the concept of many paths, as opposed to the right way, in reaching our destination. 

Siddartha and his childhood friend Govinda go on a pilgrimage, denouncing their lives to seek enlightenment. Their joint adventure eventually leads them to different avenues and experiences: Govinda follows more of a traditional life of abstinence, austerity, celibacy, and meditation. Siddartha deviates to a more unconventional path filled with mental, emotional, and physical indulges of the ego. Toward the end of the book, Siddartha summaries his journey as follows: 

“I have had many teachers… A beautiful courtesan has been my teacher for a long time, and a rich merchant was my teacher, and some gamblers with dice. Once, even a follower of Buddha, traveling on foot, has been my teacher; he sat with me when I had fallen asleep in the forest, on the pilgrimage. I’ve also learned from him, I’m also grateful to him, very grateful. But most of all, I have learned here from this river..” 

In the end, after their own hardships and struggles, the two find enlightenment. 

Like Siddhartha, Govinda, and the rest of us, we all have our journeys to follow; there is no one path that is right for all of us. We all have to experience our crossroads. Sometimes that may mean hitting rock bottom, crawling through the muck, and finding ourselves not liking where we are leading.

My coffee companion for Coffee with John #121 finds himself on his path dealing with grief after losing his fiancé ten days after her cancer diagnosis in 2019. Mat’s experience has not been without its challenges and setbacks but today that journey has led him to create the Tampa, Florida-based company, Monkey Cult Coffee – a flavor coffee company using high-altitude Brazilian beans and specialized infusion techniques to bring one-of-a-kind flavored coffees. With other flavors in development, their signature flavor is bourbon chocolate chip. In honor of Matt’s fiancé, Monkey Cult Coffee donates a portion of its sales to National Pediatric Cancer Foundation.

I don’t endorse products or make any recommendations but I got to say that I enjoyed Matt’s coffee while we shared our similar stories, yet different paths dealing with loss.

I have no wisdom to impart or lesson to teach. All I can say is that no matter the path we find ourselves on, we are not alone. And, perhaps, like Matt, as we find our own way through the muck, we may even find a way to turn our experiences into something positive, creating connections, and benefiting and bringing joy to others.

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#118 Coffee with John

You have plumbing issues! I have plumbing issues! We all have plumbing issues.

Plumbing, health, emotional, or any other type of issues/distresses/stresses, we all going to experience them at some point in our lives.

But we have this perspective that either it’s only us and that the grass is always greener on the other side.

Physics dictates that indeed grass is greener on the other side but that’s because we are looking at the distance, not the ground where we are standing where flooding water might be soaking our brand-new boots.

The paradox here is that at other times we don’t notice the patch of green grass at our reach; we only focus on the drowning feeling of the situation. Perhaps that’s the myopic dichotomy of the human experience: we compare, put other people’s lives on a pedal stool, and suffer alone in our own drama.

We all have problems and challenges of varying degrees. Of course, we all have different resources and support to deal with them. Not all of us are fortunate to have the financial, emotional, or appropriate resources to tackle broken pipes, fallen down fences, or -thinking of a friend here – back surgery.

Still, no matter the resources or the tools at our disposal, my point is that we need to take a step back to empathize with others and stop looking through a prism of the “only me situation” and “if I only had their lives.”

My other takeaway from my conversation with my superb, incredibly brilliant, insightful, and understanding coffee mate for Coffee with John #118: never, ever attempt to walk 12 NYC blocks wearing new boots and a turtle neck on a mildly warm winter day. You will be late and a sweaty mess.