Tag: Grief

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#101 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

 I have been bad.

I am mean like really bad. May 6!

A whole month plus since I had Coffee with John # 101.

Since then, I have gone to Florida and Virginia, visited Asheville thrice and other places in between here and there. I have celebrated another year around the sun, a double celebration as my son and I share birthdays.

To say the least, it has been a busy month of adventures, gatherings, and all sorts of celebrations and commemorations.

What wonderful reasons to postpone an entry that I had written in my mind the minute my conversation with my mate for my Coffee with John #101 had ended. Wonderful in that they are all little gifts life has afforded me. The gifts of traveling, sharing with loved ones, and rejoicing in magical, special moments.

Special moments like the last meeting in my journey of reaching 150 coffees. Meeting 101, a gift of its own, came via coffee mate #98 — the sister of a dear friend from my yoga community who I had not met before our coffee.

What stroke me from this last meeting was the beauty of granting your essence to another; that pure, wondrous gift you bring to this world.

Here a self-proclaimed introvert shared an hour of her time with a stranger. Among conversation about this and that, she broke out a beautiful ukulele her mother had given her as a gift following a family tradition to mend broken hearts. She played her song and sang a melodious tune with a soft, rich voice. As the hour came to an end, we said farewell and ended the conversation. Those transient are the little gifts life grants and are only possible when we open to receiving and giving. One of the most valuable commodities you possess is the light you bring. Play your song and share it.

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#99 Coffee with John

What do I do with the stories people tell me over these meetings? What do I write about after each meeting?

Since those questions have come up on some of my last meetups, let me address them as part of this entry.

Honestly, aside from perhaps informing my write-ups and giving me a window into those joining me, rarely do I write directly about what people tell me. Also, while there are exemptions, rarely do identify my coffee mates

No matter the subject, I treat the conversations as an intimate moment shared among two people. I don’t interview people nor do I feel I am in the position to share other people’s stories.

So what do I write about? Sometimes is about a feeling, an idea sparked by the conversation, or a reflection ignited by my feelings and the experience at the moment. Sometimes the ideas come immediately, and other times,it takes me sitting on and punctuating what I got out of the interaction.

Ultimately, I want to focus on a positive theme/concept inspired by the meeting.

Speaking of, the theme that jumped out to me the most from CWJ#99 is that of resilience. I am always amazed to hear how people have overcome the cards that life has given them.

Stressful, traumatic, and painful events can mark you. Those experiences can lead us to a destructive path or a place where we can’t move from, rendering us stuck in unhealthy patterns, relationships, and emotions of fear, anxiety and stress.

The challenge is always to turn adversity into a beautiful question or quest that goes beyond ourselves, fear, sadness, resentment, guilt, anxiety, or whatever negative emotions we carry into different aspects of our lives.

With all the trauma brought upon the pandemic, that is a challenge we as a collective may be wrestling with as we move into a new norm. I am not going to offer any answers. What I will say is that I hope part of the answers include a path full of discoveries where we can all explore the many big and small possibilities life offers each day, leading to better relations with others and ourselves.

For inspiration, as we all look for a path of resilience, I encourage you to check out the self-published book of poetry (currently only available in Spanish) by Kurma Murrain, my coffee mate for this round. Also, you may check out her blog to learn more about this Colombian native making a mark as a poet and community advocate in Charlotte, NC.

My hope is that poetry and discovering your voice and the artist within you become part of your healing and tools of resilience.

Cafe, amor y sueño americano

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#98 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

“Start close in,
don’t take the second step
or the third,
start with the first
thing
close in,
the step
you don’t want to take…“

Coffee with John #98 reminded me of the first lines in David Whyte’s poem, “Start Close In.”

98 coffees later and I still get nervous at times when I am meeting a person for the first time. Will the conversation go well? Will I be able to be present and be somewhat coherent? Will I make a fool out of myself? What if things don’t go well or become awkward?

How many times do we let those types of doom-like questions prevent us from taking that step we don’t want to take? From saying “I love you,” drawing a will, having a difficult conversation with another or yourself, going out to a venue by yourself, taking a class, to launching a new business, we have so many areas in our personal and professional lives where taking that initial, first step can completely enrich and alter our lives, even for a brief moment. Yet, how many times do we not take that crucial step, completely limiting our experiences and sabotaging ourselves out of fear or nervousness?

I have over the years taking that stet I so dreaded in different areas of my life. For the most part, the rewards have been ten-fold. Yoga comes to mind as an example. I had always wanted to do it but it took a friend of my wife to accompany me to the first few classes before yoga became a staple in my life. Taking that step has led to many friendships and experiences, including this round of coffee.

I know I have many aspects of my life where I need to nudge myself still to take that step I don’t want to take. Avoiding conflict to keep “the peace” is one of those. In some areas taking that first step is easier than others. Other times, it takes a lot more mustering. And, of course, we all have circumstances where we might need to take that first time many times over before we get grounded.

I invite you to join me in challenging yourself in taking that step in an area in your life – take that step you don’t want to take. In an area of your life that you see as the appropriate time, with courage and love, take your own step on your terms.

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#96 Coffee with John

The underbelly of society is riddled with darkness and realities far from ours.

Substance abuse, poverty, sex crimes, domestic violence, and hundred other maladies lurking under our noses. We don’t have to go hundreds of miles away to encounter the underbelly. My city, Charlotte, ranks #1 in North Carolina in human trafficking – North Carolina ranks 10 in the nation. That’s only one reality I had no clue about until recently.

Once we notice, the pain can be overwhelming and daunting to carry. Like my coffee mate for this round expressed to me, all we can do sometimes is pull aside on the road and cry for humanity and all the injustices in this world.

But what do we do in the long term? I wish I had an answer. All I can offer is for us to show up, fully present in our lives, communities, circles, and in the lives of our loved ones with love, understanding, kindness, perseverance, and forgiveness.

We all have the power to make our communities a better place without having to take on the burden of saving and curing the many injustices in the world. Sometimes all it takes is showing love and kindness. And that takes many forms – volunteering, creating communities, looking out for our neighbors, donating to a good cause, getting dirty in a fight for a cause near to your heart, or not giving up on loved ones when they need us the most.

PS: To learn how you can combat human trafficking, visit

Ways You Can Help Fight Human Trafficking

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A Remembrance

The coffee we never had…

How long since we had last seen each other? 20 or so more years.

You were a private person, only sharing with me about your battle with breast cancer after you had learned of my wife’s own illness with the disease.

You didn’t share or expand much of your own experience. Still, you opened up to me a few times and we bonded over that unfortunate predicament.

The last time you shared anything related to your illness was April of last year, letting me know, “I am fine. Treatments all done. Blood work good. Scan good…” Today, I learned of your passing as I had shared another video with you of my son’s playing.

Only last week, you had seen the previous one I had sent to you noting, “just watched your son playing Valeri on YouTube and he’s so cool and chill. Your son’s vibe is great.“

I shared your words with my son and he truly appreciated them. You didn’t get to see his last video and we never got to have that coffee we had so long ago postponed.

Funny, we weren’t all that close and only shared a few times in person when we worked together many moons back. The news of your passing breaks my heart. You were so young, vibrant, smart, beautiful. You will be missed my dear fellow Gemini.

I will miss you.

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#93 Coffee with John

Coffee with John #93

My Coffee with John (CWJ) mate for this round I met recently via an old post of a David Whyte poem that I had shared on a Facebook North Carolina Singles Group I had briefly joined and left, circa April 2020.

Somehow, as she was searching for David Whyte, she found the old post, leading her to recently contact me through my Coffee with John Facebook page. After a few exchanges, she kindly accepted my invitation to meet up as part of CWJ.

We talked about what led to our meeting and, among other things, discussed in passing David Whyte’s Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words.

In this book – a read I recommend you emerge yourself in -, Whyte takes everyday words and beautifully gives them a rebirth, expanding on their etymology and significance.

In the spirit of that book and the nature of this round of CWJ, here is my reflection/takeaway from this last coffee encounter with the word stranger as the anchor:

A Stranger

Who/what is a stranger?

A random act of generosity offered to you at a time of crisis with no reciprocity required by a person who happens to notice you at that moment when you are feeling alone with the void of familiar faces around  

A person exchanging a smile with you as they pass you, never to see them again

A passerby generously stopping to give you kind and helpful words as you seek their guidance to help you find your destination

A begrudged individual throwing insults your way because somehow your looks or way of being has offended their sensitivities.

A friend/lover/old neighbor no longer part of your life…  

I have met a lot of strangers as part of  CWJ. Some have moved into the friendship category – until they become strangers again shall our season of friendship end.

Smiles, acts of kindness, helpful words, and ephemeral moments to cherish have all been exchanged during my coffee encounters, a journey I cherish and continue to cultivate and nurture.

 

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#87 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

One of the many aspects of this project for me has been about being open – open to vulnerability; open to meeting strangers and being present; open to honor and truly listen to people; open to folks judging my intentions; open to putting myself into a public sphere; open to people interjecting their motivations onto the experience; open to checking and leaving my own prejudices aside; open to expressing my emotions and being honest with those emotions..

I have put myself into this position with no regrets. I continue to be challenged, surprised, and inspired by the journey. My world has flourished with new connections, knowledge, and experiences.

CWJ#87 is no exception, adding and enriching to my overarching journey thus far. My coffee mate for this edition – a personable, young man of 22 or so from Canada – is driven by a mission of determination, achievement, and personal growth.

He is finding and carving out his path on his terms by connecting with others, seeking knowledge, and being open. This young man changed his career path mid-point, veering into a whole different direction from where he was originally going to pursue new dreams and chase the life he sees for himself. Brave and foolish some would say, right?

But I challenge you to being brave and, yes, foolish, if you will. Be open to the experience of challenging your perceptions, paths in life. Be open to learning from people outside your circle. Be open to different possibilities, paradigms, et al.

Be open!

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#86 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

Correction! Correction!

Moments in life. They come and go.

Some moments you forget not because they were insignificant or didn’t impact your life. On the contrary, some passing moments carry you forward, helping you forget circumstances that are bogging you down. Those particular moments you might forget temporarily without realizing how much they have lifted you when you most needed it.

Coffee with John #86 was such a moment. Both my coffee mate for this edition and I had attempted to schedule a face-to-face meet up up for over two years. When I first started this journey, my friend had expressed an interest in meeting up but because of a series of reasons, we could not make a face-to-face happen. Now, with the pandemic, we settled for a virtual meeting.

I had a lot of things going on that day – work deadlines to meet and my dog’s pending euthanasia, scheduled for the next morning. Given that we had rescheduled a few times in the past, I didn’t want to postpone yet again. I am glad we kept the meeting.

I don’t recall when was the last time I had chatted with this friend, whom I came to know through my wife’s network of friends. I knew aspects of her life but not well. CWJ #86 allowed me the opportunity to learn more about her life and that of her family. I enjoyed learning how life led her to move to the United States, first moving to NYC where she met her husband. Their journey together led them to move to Charlotte where they lived for 10+ years, and now they are back in NY where their American journey began.

Through laughter and connection, my conversation with her carried me at an emotionally challenging time. It gave me pause and respite from all that was happening that week. Yet, I had completely forgotten about our meet-up.

After the conversation, I jumped back to that week’s reality, a week of successfully meeting deadlines yet filled with heartbreak as I mourned my dog. The conversation didn’t register until I had already published my previous CWJ write-up, realizing afterward that this conversation had proceeded that one, making this CWJ #86 not #87.

The takeaway? That I have a horrible memory. Kidding! When we are drowning in our reality, take pause and look for the moments that can carry us forth, from having a conversation with an old friend to taking a walk or going for a run. Look for those moments even if you forget them afterward.

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#69 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

Fun, unpredictable, and filled with jumps from topic to topic. That describes Coffee with John #69

My coffee mate for this venturous journey: a friend I met at Vassar in 1994 when we were both a part of the school’s Exploring Transfer Program – a summer program in partnership with various New York community colleges to encourage students at junior colleges to consider transferring to four-year institutions, exposing students through an intensive 5-week program of courses with all expenses paid.

We both ended up as transfer students at Vassar, sharing a few history classes together and the experience of attending a four-year school. Not the best of friends but we were friendly and always had an amicable relationship. I had not spoken to this old pal from those long-gone days in years. I can’t even remember the last time we saw each other in real life.

The takeaway after an hour talk with this friend: it’s fun to reconnect with people from your past. We might see each other through social media but it’s not the same to take the time to have a conversation, even if over a video app. Go ahead and reconnect with people from your past. See what transpires.

To that point, not my takeaway but a question my friend brought up: why do we keep being friends with certain people on Facebook? That’s something to ponder and something my friend will be exploring soon as a personal project. Just like you, I too want to hear more about his project. Until we all learn what he is planning, consider that question and maybe start deleting people on your FB.

I thought this picture of me drinking coffee back in 1995 with my coffee mate in the background (pictured right) before we enrolled at Vassar was a perfect fit for this occasion:

Me with my coffee mate in the background (pictured right).

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#65 Coffee with John

My older sister and I have been sharing coffee for years but two weeks ago or so we sat down for an official Coffee with John meeting, making it Coffee with John #65.
The takeaway: some conversations and connections will be ongoing. They will carry over and will always pick up where you left off.


I am fortunate enough to have a strong connection with all my siblings. As with any relationship, we have different bonds.
With my older sister, she has been there for me at different, critical moments of my life.
I remember when my father died it was my sister who first embraced and hugged me amidst the chaos and confusion.

The memories come in flashes, like in a dream: I am standing outside in front of the door of my house where a neighborhood kid meets me with the words, “your dad is dead.”
I enter and walk aimlessly in the long-hallway of the house observing all that is happening around -people talking, crying, rushing in and out. In one of the rooms, I see my other sister inconsolably crying. I pass the room and keep going.

I continue down the hall where people look at me, pat me on the head, ask me if I need something to eat. I continue and come across the room where my dad is covered in a white sheet.

I am no longer looking inside the room. I continue walking among the sea of people almost undetectable, unseen. Among the confusion, I see her, my older sister who has recently arrived from out of town where she lives. I rush towards her and she embraces me, making it all so real yet all secure.

Since then, that has been my older sister. That figurehead that makes all feel real, yet secured. She was there for me when Lari died. She is here, stuck in Charlotte away from her family in Colombia, once again making all real, yet secure.