Tag: life lessons

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#121 Coffee with John – Virtual Edition

“Wisdom cannot be imparted. Wisdom that a wise man attempts to impart always sounds like foolishness to someone else … Knowledge can be communicated, but not wisdom. One can find it, live it, do wonders through it, but one cannot communicate and teach it.” 

 ― Hermann Hesse,   Siddhartha 

I can’t remember much of Herman Hesse’s “Siddhartha” as many moons have passed since I first read it. What has stayed with me over the years is the concept of many paths, as opposed to the right way, in reaching our destination. 

Siddartha and his childhood friend Govinda go on a pilgrimage, denouncing their lives to seek enlightenment. Their joint adventure eventually leads them to different avenues and experiences: Govinda follows more of a traditional life of abstinence, austerity, celibacy, and meditation. Siddartha deviates to a more unconventional path filled with mental, emotional, and physical indulges of the ego. Toward the end of the book, Siddartha summaries his journey as follows: 

“I have had many teachers… A beautiful courtesan has been my teacher for a long time, and a rich merchant was my teacher, and some gamblers with dice. Once, even a follower of Buddha, traveling on foot, has been my teacher; he sat with me when I had fallen asleep in the forest, on the pilgrimage. I’ve also learned from him, I’m also grateful to him, very grateful. But most of all, I have learned here from this river..” 

In the end, after their own hardships and struggles, the two find enlightenment. 

Like Siddhartha, Govinda, and the rest of us, we all have our journeys to follow; there is no one path that is right for all of us. We all have to experience our crossroads. Sometimes that may mean hitting rock bottom, crawling through the muck, and finding ourselves not liking where we are leading.

My coffee companion for Coffee with John #121 finds himself on his path dealing with grief after losing his fiancé ten days after her cancer diagnosis in 2019. Mat’s experience has not been without its challenges and setbacks but today that journey has led him to create the Tampa, Florida-based company, Monkey Cult Coffee – a flavor coffee company using high-altitude Brazilian beans and specialized infusion techniques to bring one-of-a-kind flavored coffees. With other flavors in development, their signature flavor is bourbon chocolate chip. In honor of Matt’s fiancé, Monkey Cult Coffee donates a portion of its sales to National Pediatric Cancer Foundation.

I don’t endorse products or make any recommendations but I got to say that I enjoyed Matt’s coffee while we shared our similar stories, yet different paths dealing with loss.

I have no wisdom to impart or lesson to teach. All I can say is that no matter the path we find ourselves on, we are not alone. And, perhaps, like Matt, as we find our own way through the muck, we may even find a way to turn our experiences into something positive, creating connections, and benefiting and bringing joy to others.

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#120 Coffee with John

I don’t do Japanese food.

They don’t make music like they used to.

I only listen to 80s music.

I don’t read. 

I don’t travel outside the country.

We are all guilty of making a variation of these claims. I know I am guilty of it. I only tried mussels for the first time about two years ago! 

We get entrenched in our ways without ever challenging our myopic ways, further building barriers as the years pass. Every day, we take a risk when we put our feet on the ground, yet we refuse to take small risks for no good reason; I challenge you to take the risk of letting go of your preconceived notions and self-imposed limitations. 

Unless bounded by dietary/religious/health reasons, go to that (insert name of the restaurant you have never tried); go wild and have mushrooms (not the psychedelic kind, mind you); get your passport in order and travel; listen for a whole week to different music outside your comfort zone; watch a movie you would not typically watch. Challenge your assertions and lose yourself in the experience. Do I have any guarantees or promises for you? 

Look, you may come away either reaffirming your previous assumptions or gaining a new perspective and appreciation. How will you know if you don’t dare?

Is it scary to let go and try something? Yes! It can be frightening and terrifying.  

Is it easy to let go of long-held attitudes and behaviors? No. 

That is the challenge and beauty of the unknown, waiting for us to take that step. We can expand our experience, increase brain plasticity, and enrich our lives by taking small yet powerful actions that engage us in the world.

I thank my coffee mate for Coffee with John#120 for reminding me and inspiring this takeaway. Let the unknown beckon us.

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#119 Coffee with John

Sitting down for coffee in New York City on a rainy, cold winter morning with one of my closest and oldest friends from college this past February triggered memories of the sweetness of a city I called home for nearly 17 years.

New York saw me grow, giving me unforgettable experiences, like running for my life after getting jumped in an apartment lobby on Halloween evening to my most memorable one: seeing my son born in Lenox Hill Hospital in Manhattan.

Whenever I step out into the New York City streets, part of me returns to a place and time of my life that warms my heart and soul. Sharing coffee and breakfast that morning with my friend moved me in a way I had not expected.

Our friendship has always gone through phases where some years we more or less lose touch. Still, no matter the years or how long we have not seen each other, we share one of those relationships where we can always pick up wherever we left off, talking and laughing about this and that.

Seeing this old friend had the same feeling that erupts within me whenever I return to New York: a coming back home in ways that feed and lift my spirit. I could not have asked for a more fitting impromptu “Coffee with John,” than this occasion.

Sounds corny, but the saying, “home is where the heart is” holds true. We can return to “home” in the relationships we carry, and in the places and people we hold close. Cherish the moments and opportunities to visit your metaphorical home.

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#117 Coffee with John

“What has been your favorite Coffee with John?” I get asked this question regularly.

It may sound like a cop-out, but I don’t have a definite answer. The 116 meetings so far have all had their moment in my heart, propelling me in the direction I needed. Having said that, meeting #117 stands on its own.

My son has a high school friend whom I have enjoyed knowing throughout the years. He is bright, charming, charismatic, curious, and engaging. In the last few years, he would surprise me with a visit when he was in the area, even knowing that my son was not home.

We would catch up and have a quick conversation, but those moments always felt rushed. Whenever he dropped by, I was either pressed for work or scrambling to rush out of the house.

I can’t remember how long it had been since I had seen or heard from him after he moved out of the area. So, I was thrilled when he reached out to schedule a Coffee with John meet-up at the beginning of this year.

After going back and forth, our meeting coincided with my son’s performance for CreativeMornings Charlotte. We had to do some shuffling and running around town that morning as he doesn’t have a car, but we worked it out, deciding I would pick him up to drive together to see my son perform.

Our coffee meeting started when he got inside the car until I dropped him off three hours later at his house after the CreativeMornings event. During that time, I had the chance to express my appreciation for his energy, kindness, sensibility, and his friendship with my son.

In between, we caught up with each other, experienced a great performance (I might be biased, but it was a wonderful and magical performance), and connected with creatives and community leaders attending the event. An added benefit for me was drinking a whole lot of free coffee! My hands were jittery from all the caffeine and the excitement of seeing my kid perform in front of a full house.

I loved that we were both flexible with the circumstances. Could we have been more present with each other? Could we have delved deeper into the various topics that surfaced? Probably, but we adapted and enjoyed the in-between moments.

We reconnected. He had the chance to enjoy his high school friend at a pivotal moment in his musical journey, and I got to enjoy my son and spend time with a delightful individual.

The takeaway: Move in the direction of the momentum. Surf that wave, losing and putting aside the rigidity of what it’s supposed to look or feel like. We get so caught up in ideals and forget to adapt to the water and surf.

Not from Coffee with John meetings – taken in a trip to New York, NY
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#116 Coffee with John

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” ― Rob Siltanen ( FYI: Steve Jobs didn’t write this as many think)

What is normal?

What is a “normal” life/job/livelihood/relationship?

We are all in a race to reach this so-called normal in all different aspects of our lives.

From childhood, we have been guided and instructed to follow the path of the student, professional, parent, wife, husband, 9 to 5 Joe, or whatever box fits.

But what is normal? Do we need to fit a societal mold to be considered good-standing citizens of the world?

The paradox is that what we consider “normal,” might not be for many; it all depends on where we are standing in relation to the quest. For many, college is the norm but for many financial or societal obstacles make it an untenable path.

Or even if we consider someone following/being normal, many areas of their lives or personalities might clash or defy the very same box we placed them in.

Normal becomes hard to describe and pinpoint when we get into nuances, but we can all agree that we can identify the outliners carving and hedging their unique road.

My companion for my Coffee with John #116 exemplifies the latter. I am in no position to tell her story. She is a web developer, yoga instructor, graphic designer, retreat facilitator, avid camper, future presidential candidate in the making, outdoors enthusiast living out in the woods for weeks, and much more. I admire her resilience, tenacity, and path as she makes her mark in this life.

The roads we take – normal or off the beaten path – all take us to where we find ourselves today. While we can’t retrace our steps, the beauty is that there is always a new road awaiting, beckoning us to take that first step into the unknown to create our adventure.

Deviate from the “normal” once in a while and surprise yourself.

I leave you with Robert Frost’s The Road Not Taken with this as I wrap my Coffee with John this December.

Happy holidays and best to you in 2023. Hope our paths cross as we take the road less taken.

The Road Not Taken

By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

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#115 Coffee with John

A simple act: losing yourself in the word of loved ones as an expression of appreciation, love, devotion, or curiosity. It can take the form of joining a friend, a lover, a partner, or a family member on a rainy, miserable day on their favorite activity but not so much yours. It can also entail reading a book important to them or taking a leap of faith and trying out food they love and that you have never heard of in your life.

The possibilities are endless and we all might partake in this simple act of love without realizing it. One way or another, we do it all the time but how many times do we do it deliberately and with intention?

I came away with that takeaway as I was wrapping Coffee with John #115. What came to mind specifically was taking the time to get to know, one-on-on, the people in the lives of our loved ones: their friends, lovers, and close associates. Stepping out of our relationship with that person to have a conversation with let’s say their boyfriend, wife, or best friend who is a stranger to us or we have only interacted with them in a group setting.

I understand that this might not always lend itself as relationship dynamics don’t always allow for those interactions. Taking that step could get us into murky territory and uncomfortable boundaries. Our wives/girlfriends/husbands might despise our friends or family members. Their friends or family members might not like us. Our beloved and beautiful partners might have a say in our desire to know their supermodel, attractive best friend. And we all have that one crazy friend we don’t even know how we are friends with in the first place. Do we really want that person talking to anyone in our circle? I am being hyperbolic but you get me, right?

Having said that, I want to advocate that if we can navigate those dynamics with clear intentions, we should take the time to sit down for a coffee with the people in close orbit with those we treasure. Take the time to know the friends of your spouse, parents, children, and close friends.

The experience might introduce you to a new person to appreciate and open up a new window into your loved ones. Or not. Still, take the step and dive into the world important to our loved ones. We might all be better for it.

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#114 Coffee with John

Like a lot of things in life, I didn’t know it at the moment.

I had no plan to shed tears as I told my companion for Coffee with John #114 how I had met my wife. It was not in the works to show her the picture I carry inside the journal I take with me to my Coffee with John meeting of my wife wearing roller skates and a pink tutu. I had no intentions of showing and telling her what I was planning to do after we met with my wife’s wedding band and an 1800s Colombian coin that belonged to my father resting on my back packet that day.

I had no intention of sharing any of that but I could have told my coffee mate dark secrets I don’t even have in my vault of not-so-secrets.

I had only met her once in a group setting before our coffee meet-up. I can only guess what it was about her that opened me up to share the vulnerability and river of emotions I carried with me under my sleeve that morning.

Within two days on the eve of my wife’s death anniversary, perhaps my emotions were bursting to flow, waiting for the right conduit to set me free. I like to think that it was a combination of this and her magical prowess ensuing sereneness and calmness.

The hour went quickly and we only scratched the surface. Maybe we will continue the conversation another time or maybe that was the time we had for us to share inmate stories about family and moments in our lives that have shaped us.

And sometimes all we need is that one time to connect and share our hidden sentiments with a stranger, carrying us forward as we release emotions into the world for us to heal. I needed that moment without realizing it.

I drove to a jewelry store a friend had recommended years prior after our conversation where I took the wedding band and ring to make into a necklace, forging two treasures of my life into one.

A whole different story but for years I thought I had lost that coin — a coin I have been carrying since I was seven years old. When I found it again shortly after my wife’s death as I cleaned out her stuff, the idea of the necklace came to me almost immediately. But, for whatever reason, it had taken me four years to take the step into making it a reality. I am glad it did, though.

Sharing parts of my story with my coffee mate moments earlier felt ceremonial and serendipitous. All came together to remember and celebrate the memories of loved ones, as well as the connections of our past and future.

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#113 Coffee with John

When was the last time you did something for pure joy?

Most kids do that all the time. They might have some initial trepidation, but they go for the adventure, letting themselves be carried away by the moment without care or worries. They run down the hill with open arms, laughing and being present.

As adults, we tend not to be easily swayed by that hill, holding back and overthinking: it’s too steep, and what if I fall; my shoes will get dirty; I don’t have the proper attire; I will have to come back up; and a thousand other thoughts crossing our minds before we turn our backs away from that magnificent mountain top beckoning us to take the chance.

Am I an adventurous person? Have I always been adventurous?

I don’t know if I have a check box to answer either of those questions.

I have turned my back and stepped away from a promise of an adventure many times. Fear, skepticism, mistrust, and lack of confidence have been the culprits. Yet, I feel I have taken many steps forward in following a path open to exploring and running down valleys of fun wherever they take me.

It doesn’t mean my old friend trepidation stops visiting with vows of seduction, tempting me to take the bait to rest in a cradle of comfort and safety. A case in point: a few days before my Coffee with John #113 that old acquaintance came knocking hard.

No good reason or anything to do with my coffee mate but dread was getting the best of me. I don’t know why.

Perhaps my hesitation came on the heels of pondering the question a few weeks back of why I was continuing this project (a question that each new meeting provides new steadfast grounds to forge forward).

The meeting reminded me to let go of reasons, justifications, fears. Trust and run the mountain top with open arms to all possibilities.

If I had canceled or postponed the meeting, I would have robbed myself of a joyful conversation, a good coffee, and the chance to get to know an intriguing lawyer/business owner with a penchant for history, making a difference and leaving a mark in the landscape of Charlotte.

Spread your arms wide and embrace the adventure of everyday life.

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#111 Coffee with John

The first meet-up of 2022, five months after the start of the year! How could that be? Where have the months gone by?

Probably the why is the crucial question here. Why has it taken me this long to continue Coffee with John (CWJ)?

A few answers: getting COVID at the beginning of January for the second time since the pandemic; a few people bailing out at the last minute; almost losing my toes to frostbite, putting me out of commission for a few months; and, to be honest, a lack of motivation.

The latter is harder to explain. Not that I have no desire to continue and meet my goal of meeting 150 people. Still, the momentum is not the same. As I have probably mentioned before, I am not the same, nor does life find me in the same spot when I started this project.

My grief, pain, and emotional toil are not the same. I am in a good place – emotionally and mentally. Life finds me experiencing love again and all the magic and adventure that comes with the euphoria of a new relationship.

What then continues to be the driving purpose of this project? Do I continue for the sake of continuing? Do I take this initiative in a different direction? Do I call it quits? As my motivation, energy, focus, and attention will divert me in different directions, how long will it take me to eventually meet my goal?

Meeting #111 served as a reinforcement of how much I enjoy connecting with people. The conversation flowed from different topics, from talking about life experiences to sharing family stories, belief systems, and the circumstances/events leading to where life finds us. In the end, I got to know a fellow friend better, gaining a renewed appreciation for a friend and his life experiences.

CWJ sets a stage for an openness that might otherwise not occur, allowing me to hear and become an active participant in sharing stories that hopefully provide value to my coffee mates and myself. This will continue to be my drive: the desire to connect and share a moment with a fellow traveler in this journey we call life.

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#110 Coffee with John: Where is the you? (Virtual edition)

Coffee with John #110, the last of 2021!

Only fitting that the conversation included talk of resolutions and new year’s eve traditions, like the ritual of running around the block at the strike of midnight with a suitcase to welcome more travel.

Actually, I don’t think I have ever seen anyone carry out that tradition or the one about wearing specific colored underwear to bring a particular attribute into their lives (e.i, yellow for good luck, red for love, white for inner peace, and I don’t know what else). Now, I don’t know about you but, most likely, I was wearing black as most of my underwear is of that color. Wait! Please excuse this interruption while I look at what wearing black underwear on new year’s eve means.

I am back. It means…

I am digressing. I don’t mean to talk about my underwear or yours. A more interesting topic that came to the forefront during my conversation is the self, the center of almost every New Year resolution.

Even if we disdain the thought of new year rituals, it’s probably one of the few times of the year when we are drawn to actively or indirectly engage in thinking or discussing the goals/activities we want to undertake, placing the self at the center.

The irony is that we live in a self-centered society already where the “I” is ubiquitously displayed on our social media. The paradox is that we lose ourselves. The “I” becomes a persona, playing a part on the Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, TicTak stage. 

Or we get lost in the never-ending to-do. Not far, or an integral part of the must get dones, we get lost in the I am a spouse, parent, worker, artist, caregiver, professional, and whatever other roles we are fulfilling. You strip those personas/roles and we might have an identity crisis.

Who are we without any of those qualifiers? What makes us, us? What are we doing to take care of ourselves? How are we cultivating a deeper knowledge of ourselves outside the parameters of an attached identity? What motivates/inspires us? How do we become present with ourselves without getting lost in distractions that are not expansive, i.e distractions that do little to challenge us, or contribute to our well-being?

I was confronted by a version of those questions at two critical points in my life: first, when I lost my wife and, then a year later, when I became an empty nester. I had always had a separate identity, doing my yoga, running, and following other interests outside of being a husband and father. Still, faced with those new realities, I was forced to redirect my life, making those sets of questions more pronounced and immediate. Not always easy or with clarity, I have welcomed the challenges and the possibilities of getting connected and reacquainted with myself, exploring past and new interests: practicing meditation, reading more, challenging myself to hike on my own, exploring online classes, and learning more about various subjects including photography and sexuality. All those are avenues of exploration that call out to me for a variety of reasons.

I am not going to prescribe or pontificate about any specific activity to pursue. Instead, I encourage all of us to put our phones down to take two to ten minutes a day to explore different paths of self-care and exploration. A good starting point might be answering the question of what is going on with YOU outside any of our prescribed roles. Start with that question to begin formulating and solidifying an identity of what you want for yourself, be it a hobby or an attribute.

A response might be that there is no time. How many times do we say “I don’t have the luxury, energy, time, or bandwidth to meditate, read, or do x.” I don’t negate the reality of time constraints and other hurdles we all have in our lives. But the essential question/challenge is how can we take of others and that of our thousands of responsibilities when we are getting lost in the identities of others and neglecting our physical, mental, emotional needs. Find yourself.