Tag: life lessons

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#109 Coffee with John: Question, Lean into Curiosity

Rare are those skillful in asking questions from deep down their heart with genuine curiosity. I am not talking about the questions that you might exchange in your ordinary, day-to-day interactions, say a first date, a working meeting, and an interview. (Although what I am talking about here can happen in any of those scenarios, too).

What I am talking about is the type of situation where you get deep and lost in a conversation where the person is asking you question after question in a manner that is not intrusive but welcoming, not accusatory but explorative, not diminishing but encouraging, not perfunctory but thorough, not as an avoidance ruse but an invitation to conversation. The type of questions that are thoughtful and insightful, beckoning you to answer with all guards down; where you feel heard and seen.

I have only encountered a few of those rare inquisitive wizards in my lifetime. They are curious and can create an almost magical atmosphere where the exchanges are mutual and the conversation is selfless. Such was my coffee-mate for CWJ #109. It’s no wonder why she is pursuing a master’s in therapy. She has a gift!

But we don’t need to be of a special breed or be pursuing a master’s. That quality of becoming a wizard at asking insightful questions is not out of our reach. The magic recipe is leaning into our curiosity, exploring our inquisitiveness about the other person, and putting aside egos, nerves, agendas. The payout is rapport and a stronger bond with people.

Don’t take my word for it. Have you heard of what has become known as the 36 Questions to Fall in Love? If you haven’t, read about the study of principal psychologists Arthur Aron, Ph.D., and Elaine Aron, Ph.D., a study made popular in a New York Times Modern Love essay.

I don’t know if you will find love by embracing and testing out those questions in the field but at least you can’t draw some inspiration to have in your armor for the next time you are ready to engage in a magical conversation.

Taking my cue, it is only fitting that I ask you a question inspired by one of the 36: What are three things you currently feel most grateful for?

Here are my three:

  • My son – Born on my birthday, he is the best gift I have ever received. As soon as I saw him coming out of Lari’s womb, I was in love (no need for any question). Love, magic, adventure, anxiety, worry, and all the wonders fatherhood brings I welcome and continue to enjoy in the endless adventure that is parenthood.
  • The people in my life – I am grateful for the special people in my life. I am grateful for a good network of friends. I am grateful for good colleagues. I am grateful for good neighbors. I am grateful for people that I rarely know but make a visit to the gym, the supermarket or other places I frequent, a joy.
  • My health – , I am grateful for my general good health. I am grateful to have the ability to do what I like – yoga, run, exercise, hike, etc. I am grateful that I don’t suffer from any underlining conditions.

Your turn.

December 7, 2021
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#108 Coffee with John: Resilience

Get over it!

So you lost your mother when you were young, get over it. You broke up with your partner a year ago and you are still talking about it, get over it! You are not happy with your job and all you do is complain about it, get over it! You are angry because you didn’t get this or that, get over it! GET. OVER.IT!

Whatever the situation or difficult circumstances, my default attitude/motto was “get over it and move on.”This attitude served me well in dealing with loss and the inevitable moves, heartaches, new beginnings, and gain and losses that challenges all of us at some point in our lives

I mistook this as resilience. This Coffee with John meeting had me reexamine this guiding principle so central to my core. If we look at the definition of the word in an initial Google search, we come up with: “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.”

Strictly speaking, I was not mistaken in conflating “get over it” with resilience. But we need a more expansive definition, one that includes empathy, forgiveness, vulnerability, patience, joy, and compassion. We mistake neutrality, ignoring emotions, pushing people away, and closing our hearts with being tough.

On the contrary, toughness/resilience takes courage to sit with the uncomfortable, let go of anger, feel the emotions, face the hard conversations, ask for assistance, and open our hearts to kindness and love: as much as for yourselves and others experiencing some sort of calamity.

Don’t get me wrong though. What I can’t tolerate still is the victim mentality. I firmly believe losses, traumas, hardships, and challenges do not control us. We can take the reins. Instead of “get over it” let’s turn that into “how can this serve me and help my journey in becoming a better person for ourselves and those around us.” Make a loss a path for healing in a way that is compassionate.

While I can’t speak of how my coffee mate for CWJ#08 handles adversity, what I see as an outsider is an individual that has turned her life at various points, facing insurmountable hardships and challenges with laughter, humor, and fearless tenacity. She has overcome language barriers, bounced back and surpassed personal and family sagas, and started a new life in the United States after enjoying a successful naval career in her native Colombia. She continues forging ahead taking on new challenges and exploring new paths, including acting and modeling, with admirable grit.

We can all take inspiration from those around us on how they have internalized resilience.

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#107 Coffee with John: Dating, Friendships, and Explorations

Lean into possibilities.

How many times do we dismiss invitations to new experiences either because of fear of newness or because something doesn’t fit our mold/expectations? From the small stuff to more hefty decisions, we are quick no say no and stay within the conform of our routines and what we know.

No to a party. No to a networking event. No to a last-minute invitation. No to hanging out with new people outside our established network. No to forgiveness. No to uncertainty. No to…you fill in the blank.

I am the first to tell you that I am guilty of it and will probably say no to many things that challenge my comfort zone. Yet, I have, especially in the last few years, leaned in more in the positive direction: saying yes and conquering many inhibitions.

Yes to opening my heart again. Yes to improv classes. Yes to new friendships. Yes to traveling more. Yes to events. Yes to engaging people and activities I would have dismissed in the past.

The positives outweigh any, if any, negatives as a result of being open to the “new” experiences.

Inspired by her recent journey and my relationship with her, my coffee mate for this round is a prime example. We met on a dating app. While I can’t speak on her behalf, I think it’s a safe bet to say that we both didn’t feel a romantic connection. It could have been easy to go our separate ways with the usual pleasantries and the empty promise of a friendship. Yet, for over a year now, we have kept and leaned into that promise of cultivating a friendship, inviting each other into our lives, sharing interests, dating experiences, and life and adventure stories. I have another such friend that I meant while I was in the dating online world.

Don’t get the wrong impression here. I haven’t befriended everyone that I had met on dating sites nor do I offer my friendship that readily. Still, the times I have and people have reciprocated, the dividends have been tenfold. I don’t know if those friendships will endure the passage of time. All I know for this moment is that my horizons have expanded with new knowledge, music, social networks, and friendships.

My coffee mate is on her own journey of leaning into possibilities, exploring untapped relationships and potentials. I am not proposing for you to follow my path. Forge your way and delve into possibilities in different areas of your life. Say yes to something that you have put aside for a while or keep saying no to. You never know where the journey will lead you. Let’s challenge ourselves to explore and see possibilities where we normally don’t.

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106 Coffee with John: Serendipitous Meeting

How many times can you say that you have randomly met a person who has been published in the popular The New York Times Modern Love section, a column you secretly had been eyeing to submit your story? 

I have the American essayist and humorist David Sedaris to thank for bringing our paths together.

Having read a few of his books and seen Sedaris live once, prompted me to ask my fellow passenger on a recent flight from NYC to NC about his latest book resting on her lap.

That started the conversation, veering into her telling me that she had read the book resting on the side of my aisle, The Situation and the Story: The Art of Personal Narrative by Vivian Gornick.

At that point, I knew this was not your ordinary passenger leisurely reading. She was one of my people, a fellow kindred spirit. The Situation and the Story is a title I had recently acquired thanks to, wait for it, Modern Love. You are probably saying, “what!?”

Exactly my thought when she told me that she had read Gornick’s book. I did a double “what” when she told me she had come across it the same way I had: reading submission tips by Daniel Jones, the editor of Modern Love.  After that discovery, she gracefully shared that her story had been published in that famous column.

Do you know how big of a deal that is? According to the stats by the editor, they receive about 5,000 submissions a year. Only 1% percent lands a spot!

It’s a huge deal, indeed. Aside from signifying that you have a way with words, it signals that a major altering event has shaped your past or current life.

My subsequent Coffee with John meeting with my fellow passenger/kindred spirit a few weeks later after our encounter made me think of the consequential questions/circumstances we deal with at different stages of our lives, questions that no matter how old you are or where you are in your life are never welcome. 

From dealing with unrequited love, betrayal, health issues, loss of loved ones, or loss of self, we are all going to face a wrecking; it is inevitable. The important answer to those questions or situations is how we deal with them at the moment or within the subsequent years.

Do we lose ourselves in the question(s)? Do our identities become bigger than the circumstances? Do we drown and bring others down with us as we are challenged to emerge from dark waters? Do we triumph at the end with dignity and grace? Do we let anger, fear, mistrust, or whatever the accompanying emotions mark, rule, and dictate our actions for years to come?

Not sure if there is a definite answer to any of those. Unscathed we will not be but, as we make our way through the murkiness of life, perhaps we need to go through different iterations to find a path closer to the better versions of ourselves. Whatever our journey, I find that we are never truly alone. We all have shared experiences where we can find a moment of connection, helping us in our pilgrimage.

In that spirit, I  encourage you to read the powerful and moving Modern Love story my fellow passenger wrote. Maybe, as you dive and lean into her story, you can find answers and a path to questions facing you.

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#105 Coffee with John: Finding Inspiration

inspiration – noun

in·spi·ra·tion/ˌinspəˈrāSH(ə)n/ : something that makes someone want to do something or that gives someone an idea about what to do or create : a force or influence that inspires someone

The journey of discovering or coming across moments that spark and infuse inspiration can be a fickle mistress.

Not always the case, but a combination of love, loss, heartbreak, despair, turmoil, chaos, anguish can all serve as that flame and spark opening a path for us to take that step into creativity. At least in my experience, it seems the muses visit when we are wrestling with moments that test us.

The need to connect with others to deal with grief gave birth to Coffee with John. The interactions I have had fuel the continuation of this journey. What I find humbling as well is that the premise of this project, that of connecting with others, can go beyond myself: inspiring others to take a similar path to deal with their journeys.

That’s what prompted my last coffee mate to meet me. She came across my project through Facebook and wanted to learn more about my journey to perhaps adopt the idea as she wrestled with a series of personal setbacks including the loss of loved ones.

I don’t know what she has done since we last met a few weeks back now. All I can say is that if my journey can inspire others, I am honored to serve as a spark.

In the fickleness of inspiration, the funny thing is that we never know how our actions and how we choose to live our lives can inspire others.

What inspires you? Who inspires you? Where do you find inspiration?

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#104 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition: The Past Colliding with the Future

Memories of times, circumstances, and people from our past are tricky, especially if three decades have passed in between.

We hold memories frozen in time, a permanent canvas we have affixed through the paintbrushes of our truths. We seize in our timeline circumstances and people, giving them attributes we still think hold. How they spoke, behaved, or looked, we hold in our mind as if time had not transpired.

Whenever I connect with a person from my past, my memories collide with theirs, forming and amplifying my affixed canvas with their own brushes of paint. The painting takes a more expansive view with new context, hues, and realities. What they remember, how they perceived me and their experiences add to the memories, giving me a glimpse into new perspectives.

Not surprisingly, the image of who the people I knew them to be at 15 or at whatever age our past selves had crossed, crumbles as well. Physical attributes might remain, but whatever image or memories of who they were, are but a mirage when looking through the lens of the now,

Questions of genuine change come to mind when I think of all this: how have we ourselves have changed without ourselves considering the passing years? Are we the same deep inside? Are the fears, insecurities, awkwardness of our youth still lurking on the surface, holding us back from becoming the better versions of ourselves? Physical appearances wane but, at the core, can people change?

I know I am not the same person from my youth or even from three or two years ago. Along the way, I have confronted fears, hang-ups and have faced life circumstances that have shaped who I am at this moment. Still, the journey continues. Lots of work to go.

I appreciate my coffee mate for sharing his past and present self with me. I am honored and grateful for his honesty in letting me into a window of his life as he confronts personal and emotional challenges. The upward stream we all face in the journey of life can become part of our core and what can as our cataclysm for change, a change for the better.

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#103 Coffee with John: A Reckoning

Three years into the project with 40, plus coffee meet-ups to reach my goal. The journey leading here has not always been smooth: lack of energy to move forward, questioning my drive and desire to continue.

Why am I doing this project still? With passing of time and grief taking a different hue, what drives the project? Is the project changing from its original iteration? What is the driving force behind my motivation now? Are there any other takeaways I can gauge without repeating myself?

Meeting number 103 helped me address some of those queries. My coffee mate shared part of his story and talked to me about his personal and creative outlets – powerlifting, photography, film, vlogs.

The challenge of pursuing a passion, personal endeavor/goal, fitness goals came up in the conversation. Recently, I saw a friend post on their social media a meme about choosing your hard. That echo with the sentiments we had discussed. All can be hard, depending on how you look at that one thing that keeps eluding you – losing weight, seeking relationships, overcoming personal challenges, pursuing artistic goals. Each pursuit can be a challenge for different reasons: time, money constraints, professional hurdles, limiting believes.

How we overcome those challenges, and how much sweat and energy we pour into them become part of the equation of how we choose to live our lives. Part of my path since my wife’s passing has been creating connections and pursuing different personal artistic ventures. Coffee with John is part of that journey.

My coffee meet-up reminded me how much I enjoy engaging with people, hearing their stories, and learning and being inspired by the conversations. The original drive that inspired me to start this project is evolving. I am not the same person from three years ago. What iteration will this project have when I end is to be determined.

For now, I will continue to enjoy the journey.

What is your journey? How do you choose to live your life? What pursuits challenge you?

If you are interested in hearing others wrestle with those questions or even being part of the conversation, I encourage you to listen to my coffee mate’s podcasts Create Inspire Explore on Spotify or tune into his YouTube channel.

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An Invitation – What is your Story?

When was the last time you told your story?

This is a question poet/author Mark Nepo asks in his “The Book of Awakening,” entry for September 5th, page 303.

The question is an invitation to share your story as a way to heal, mend the heart, and come to terms with the past.

Telling your story can save and liberate you. Write down your story or tell it, over and over again.

My only word of caution is don’t become your story or overindulge. That’s always a fine line to walk, one we might need to cross to fully understand and come to terms with our story.

So tell me your story?

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A Coffee Break: Let’s be Frank

You!

Yes, you.

Look, I don’t care.

I have to be honest with you. I don’t care if you like me or not. I don’t.

So here it goes.

I wish for all of your dreams, aspirations, and hopes to come to fruition in this lifetime. I wish for you to be happy. I wish for you to be prosperous. I wish for you to have health.

I wish for you to be happy. I wish for you to be free from suffering. I am sending you love, and best of wishes for this day.

Happy Friday!

Have a magical, wonderful day today and every day.