The introvert, my penultimate meeting, and the extrovert, my most recent.
The former, a self-proclaimed introvert, did not mind aspects of the pandemic. Acknowledging her good fortune – health, economic stability, and other blessings in her life – the circumstances of social distancing and the limited social engagements provided opportunities for personal healing, self-discovery, relaxation, discovery, and a much welcomed slower pace of life.
On the other hand, the self-proclaimed introvert, also aware and grateful of her good fortunes, had a different experience. The pandemic provided a set of unwelcome challenges and tribulations.
Two experiences through different lenses.
The experience of meeting these two incredibly warm and grounded, yet different individuals highlighted and reminded me of the importance of connecting with others.
No matter how we experience, sense, or interact with the world, making connections at the individual or at levels that fit our comfort level nourishes the spirit.
Both of them ventured to meet and connect with me for the first time. Our respective interactions provided a point of accentuation – a break in our daily lives inviting us into a journey of laughter, conversation, and discovery.
Hearing their divergent experiences opened my own lens of understanding, compassion, and sympathy/empathy.
It is easy to isolate, get caught in our daily routines, or stay in our lane without venturing to talk to strangers or meet up with different communities from ours. The challenge is to get over those hurdles. Jumping over those obstacles is a personal journey but I bet the introvert and the extrovert in you will appreciate the leap.
A whole month plus since I had Coffee with John # 101.
Since then, I have gone to Florida and Virginia, visited Asheville thrice and other places in between here and there. I have celebrated another year around the sun, a double celebration as my son and I share birthdays.
To say the least, it has been a busy month of adventures, gatherings, and all sorts of celebrations and commemorations.
What wonderful reasons to postpone an entry that I had written in my mind the minute my conversation with my mate for my Coffee with John #101 had ended. Wonderful in that they are all little gifts life has afforded me. The gifts of traveling, sharing with loved ones, and rejoicing in magical, special moments.
Special moments like the last meeting in my journey of reaching 150 coffees. Meeting 101, a gift of its own, came via coffee mate #98 — the sister of a dear friend from my yoga community who I had not met before our coffee.
What stroke me from this last meeting was the beauty of granting your essence to another; that pure, wondrous gift you bring to this world.
Here a self-proclaimed introvert shared an hour of her time with a stranger. Among conversation about this and that, she broke out a beautiful ukulele her mother had given her as a gift following a family tradition to mend broken hearts. She played her song and sang a melodious tune with a soft, rich voice. As the hour came to an end, we said farewell and ended the conversation. Those transient are the little gifts life grants and are only possible when we open to receiving and giving. One of the most valuable commodities you possess is the light you bring. Play your song and share it.
“Start close in, don’t take the second step or the third, start with the first thing close in, the step you don’t want to take…“
Coffee with John #98 reminded me of the first lines in David Whyte’s poem, “Start Close In.”
98 coffees later and I still get nervous at times when I am meeting a person for the first time. Will the conversation go well? Will I be able to be present and be somewhat coherent? Will I make a fool out of myself? What if things don’t go well or become awkward?
How many times do we let those types of doom-like questions prevent us from taking that step we don’t want to take? From saying “I love you,” drawing a will, having a difficult conversation with another or yourself, going out to a venue by yourself, taking a class, to launching a new business, we have so many areas in our personal and professional lives where taking that initial, first step can completely enrich and alter our lives, even for a brief moment. Yet, how many times do we not take that crucial step, completely limiting our experiences and sabotaging ourselves out of fear or nervousness?
I have over the years taking that stet I so dreaded in different areas of my life. For the most part, the rewards have been ten-fold. Yoga comes to mind as an example. I had always wanted to do it but it took a friend of my wife to accompany me to the first few classes before yoga became a staple in my life. Taking that step has led to many friendships and experiences, including this round of coffee.
I know I have many aspects of my life where I need to nudge myself still to take that step I don’t want to take. Avoiding conflict to keep “the peace” is one of those. In some areas taking that first step is easier than others. Other times, it takes a lot more mustering. And, of course, we all have circumstances where we might need to take that first time many times over before we get grounded.
I invite you to join me in challenging yourself in taking that step in an area in your life – take that step you don’t want to take. In an area of your life that you see as the appropriate time, with courage and love, take your own step on your terms.
So much can happen in an hour – meet the love of your life, take a wrong turn in life, have an encounter that will alter the rest of your life..the possibilities are endless.
What’s in those magical 60 minutes and 3,600 seconds
How do you choose to spend an hour of your day?
Exercise? Mediate? Read a book/poetry/an essay? Write your own poetry/essay/book? Or squander it away doing this or that?
So many choices, with no rights or wrongs.
An hour is exactly how long CWJ #92 lasted.
In that hour of this last meeting, I learned part a story and journey of a talented, smart woman finding her way in the world with the ups and downs that life brings. I am always incredibly grateful for the generosity strangers give, letting me drop into their lives for a moment in time.
I recently came into the idea of living in a poem, a concept brought forth by American poet Naomi Shihab Nyei. She explains it as not a permanent state but one, “when you think, when you’re in a very quiet place, when you’re remembering, when you’re savoring an image, when you’re allowing your mind calmly to leap from one thought to another — that’s a poem. That’s what a poem does.” She goes on to talk about holding and savoring that space.
To me, that one hour (or hours) people generously give to me when they decide to take part and join me in this CWJ journey, represents that notion of living in a poem. That space of conversations, shared moments of reflections, thoughts and words exchanged, are a sacred, magical poem to hold, punctuate and cherish.
I had my takeaway all written down in my mind as soon as I finished my conversation with the wonderful, delightful, hopeful, jovial, and beautiful soul that accompanied me in this edition of CWJ.
I don’t take notes during my meet-ups. The idea for the write-up came bright and clear as soon as we ended our talk. But alas, how the mind betrays. Since then, over the weeks, my thoughts have evaporated with only a vague notion of what I wanted to convey.
Inspired by my mate’s artistry, creativity, and her journey of dealing with dramatic, life-altering events, the write I had in mind was about the space we tend to permanently occupy in our minds — that enduring space that affects our outlook in life. This is not to say that we don’t fluctuate in our line of thinking or that life events don’t color our perspective of the world and our role in it.
We have periods in which we set up camp in a dark space where all is daunting and opportunities don’t seem to exists. Other times, we find a bright spot where all is possible and nothing deters our determination, passion, dream, goals. Both of those or other places where we find camping can last a few seasons in our lives.
Still, we have a constant baseline that we can call home, the place that has for most of our lives determined our disposition. i.e. hopeful, funny, bright, pessimistic, jovial, trustworthy, loving, open-minded, power seeker, etc. Physiologist Gordon W. Allport called these, central dispositions or central traits. Now, that’s as far as I know about the terminology or the physiology of personal traits. I didn’t even know about the nomenclature of dispositions until writing this fifth paragraph. But I am digressing nor do I want to get into different personality traits as I know nothing about them.
What I left thinking about after CWJ #91 was about that space we occupy and how that space colors and affects how we chose to see and engage in life. I am aware that chemical imbalances, life circumstances, trauma, or a combination of other factors can completely alter our outlook, but what would you say is your baseline? How do you engage and see the world?
PS: I only identify my coffee mates if given permission or if the occasion lends itself. Here is the link to where you can find out more about the awesome, talented artist (Anita Darling – Fine Art) that accompanied me for Coffee with John #91:
I can’t say that I have been wronged to the point where my trust has been shattered. At the same time, I am not sure how you can measure such a thing.
A few events come to mind where I can say that my trust and faith in people have been tested. But, honestly, I probably have been guilty of being on the side of the culprit. How many times we do things without truly taking into account the effect of those actions on others? Or how many other times we feel like we have no option but to do something that you know will end-up hurting others?
Some situations are clear where the betrayal and hurt cut deep, sending people over the edge to the point of depression, despair, and being blinded by rage and a desire for vengeance or retaliation.
Maybe the depth of betrayal doesn’t matter in the end. What matters is the ability to forgive the trespassers of your trust.
That ability and the rays of hope and light that accompany the power to move forward and truly forgive I found in my coffee mate for this edition. Her story is that of hers to tell. What I will say is that it took, according to her own accord, time and healing to reach that point where she could sit on that understanding, moving to a place of peace, love, and grace.
Finding that power can set us free. Is it easy? Probably, not.
Now, I believe that I don’t hold grudges, but – if ever the time comes when I am truly tested – I hope I have the power to be beckoned by forgiveness and live and breathe on that space.
Before Bumble blocked me, I had managed to get in touch with a few people on the dating mode of the application interested in CWJ, meeting face-to-face with one and talking over the phone with two others. The first of those meetings was over the phone, the first time for CWJ.
The conversation took place during the early evening as my coffee mate (not sure if either of us were drinking coffee because of the hour, but still) commuted back home from work, making it more conducive and safer to talk over the phone than to hold a virtual talk.
I was not sure what to expect since before our meeting we had perhaps exchanged a few texts over the app about the project and scheduling. Also, we had never met before and all we had for reference were the profile pictures on Bumble.
Surprisingly, we ended up talking over the phone for close to two hours with the conversation ranging from the perfunctory to the more nuanced, touching on personal issues of life experiences.
One of the themes that surfaced was about giving yourself permission, the freedom, kindness, and fortitude to fail, take risks, and live the moment with abandonment. Release the shackles of our expectations and image of what life we are supposed to live. Not saying we need to be a reckless mess without consideration of others. On the contrary, we need to take heed of our own consideration.
How many times have you found yourself acting a certain way or performing a task/function based on other’s perceptions? How many times you put your own feelings aside in the name of others?
We have this image of following or leading a certain way of life because that’s what we think society or those that we love dictate or need – be the proverbial son, wife, husband, worker, or whatever we have grown to believe. How many times have you lied to yourself and not spoken up about your true feelings in fear of displeasing someone? How many times you have said no to experiences because of fear of other’s perceptions?
The takeaway is to loosen up and, to use the motto in improv., say “yes and..“
What comes to mind as an example of what I am talking about, or close to, is my recent experience going winter camping. Had I done that before? No. Did I have a ton of reservations? Yes. Did I think it was risky? Without a doubt, giving the cold and expected inclement weather.
Part of me wanted to shut down the idea altogether, an idea brought to me by my son. The other wanted to see how it would all play out. The old me would have said, “no it’s too risky for X,Y&Z reasons” and would have caved to my fears and trepidation.
Prepared as best as possible with research, an action plan, trust in the universe, and faith in my kid’s gusto, preparation, and desire, I forged ahead. Yes, we did face trials and tribulations where I was challenged only a few minutes away from the final destination with the decision to go back or continue. Oh, I wanted to head back but, at the last minute, I gave myself permission to be reckless, taking into account the calculated risk.
In retrospect, a drive and motivation in saying yes is the ultimate trust I have in the universe, knowing that things can always go awry, no matter the preparation and planning. Knowing this and holding on to my trust, each phase of the winter camping experience became a moment to savor and conquer, making it more enjoyable. The risks could have wrecked the whole trip, costing us a whole lot that we had bargained for, but, in the end, the journey and the bonding I experienced with my son, priceless.
One of the many aspects of this project for me has been about being open – open to vulnerability; open to meeting strangers and being present; open to honor and truly listen to people; open to folks judging my intentions; open to putting myself into a public sphere; open to people interjecting their motivations onto the experience; open to checking and leaving my own prejudices aside; open to expressing my emotions and being honest with those emotions..
I have put myself into this position with no regrets. I continue to be challenged, surprised, and inspired by the journey. My world has flourished with new connections, knowledge, and experiences.
CWJ#87 is no exception, adding and enriching to my overarching journey thus far. My coffee mate for this edition – a personable, young man of 22 or so from Canada – is driven by a mission of determination, achievement, and personal growth.
He is finding and carving out his path on his terms by connecting with others, seeking knowledge, and being open. This young man changed his career path mid-point, veering into a whole different direction from where he was originally going to pursue new dreams and chase the life he sees for himself. Brave and foolish some would say, right?
But I challenge you to being brave and, yes, foolish, if you will. Be open to the experience of challenging your perceptions, paths in life. Be open to learning from people outside your circle. Be open to different possibilities, paradigms, et al.
Some moments you forget not because they were insignificant or didn’t impact your life. On the contrary, some passing moments carry you forward, helping you forget circumstances that are bogging you down. Those particular moments you might forget temporarily without realizing how much they have lifted you when you most needed it.
Coffee with John #86 was such a moment. Both my coffee mate for this edition and I had attempted to schedule a face-to-face meet up up for over two years. When I first started this journey, my friend had expressed an interest in meeting up but because of a series of reasons, we could not make a face-to-face happen. Now, with the pandemic, we settled for a virtual meeting.
I had a lot of things going on that day – work deadlines to meet and my dog’s pending euthanasia, scheduled for the next morning. Given that we had rescheduled a few times in the past, I didn’t want to postpone yet again. I am glad we kept the meeting.
I don’t recall when was the last time I had chatted with this friend, whom I came to know through my wife’s network of friends. I knew aspects of her life but not well. CWJ #86 allowed me the opportunity to learn more about her life and that of her family. I enjoyed learning how life led her to move to the United States, first moving to NYC where she met her husband. Their journey together led them to move to Charlotte where they lived for 10+ years, and now they are back in NY where their American journey began.
Through laughter and connection, my conversation with her carried me at an emotionally challenging time. It gave me pause and respite from all that was happening that week. Yet, I had completely forgotten about our meet-up.
After the conversation, I jumped back to that week’s reality, a week of successfully meeting deadlines yet filled with heartbreak as I mourned my dog. The conversation didn’t register until I had already published my previous CWJ write-up, realizing afterward that this conversation had proceeded that one, making this CWJ #86 not #87.
The takeaway? That I have a horrible memory. Kidding! When we are drowning in our reality, take pause and look for the moments that can carry us forth, from having a conversation with an old friend to taking a walk or going for a run. Look for those moments even if you forget them afterward.
No nudes, bathroom selfies, or indecent requests, I promise!
With a personal disclaimer that I was not using the site for dating but for only connecting with folks for my CWJ project, Bumble blocked my account.
Apparently, people took offense that I was not dating and reported my profile. To a certain point, I get it. I am irresistible and, if you can’t have me, nobody else can’t. Kidding!
All is good. I understand the logic and I respect the rules.
Now, if we had tentatively scheduled a CWJ for after the holidays, I have no way of getting in touch with you. Truly sorry as I was looking forward to connecting. If you found this post, please send me a message and we will reschedule. It would be great to connect.
Coffee With John 