I have ventured out to increase my reach by posting about CWJ on different neighborhood FB Groups around my area.
The response has been positive with some folks reaching out, resulting in me having my first virtual coffee with a person completely outside my close network — I have had met with folks I didn’t know but they have been a direct association to Lari’s circle of friends.
The takeaway from Coffee with John #68: we never know what types of treasures we will find once we venture out.
My coffee mate, Elizabeth From Carolina, aside from kindly sharing her story, told me about an Ancient Spanish coin she found on the shores of North Carolina in a remote beach she and her family have been visiting for years. The story of her find is in it self a treasure that she can pass to family, along with the coin itself.
Connecting with a stranger and sharing a conversation for me was the treasure I found in my venturing to broaden my reach. Wander about and find hidden treasures.
Took a hiatus for a variety of reasons. Mostly, my focus has been elsewhere. But here I am back with newfound energy to continue with CWJ.
Coffee with John #67 took on a special meaning. My coffee mate for this round is someone dear to me.
As a child of 10 or so, for various life circumstances, I ended up living with my older sister and her husband. They were in their mid or late 20s, respectively, when they took me and my other sister in. We ended up living with them for almost two years before coming to the United States to finally be reunited with my mother.
Around my teenage years, my brother-in-law came back to my life once again when life found him moving to the United States in pursuit of the “American Dream.” At that time, my sister, his wife, was still back in Colombia. Before they eventually reunited in the United States, my brother-in-law, ended up as my roommate in a New York City apartment for a brief period.
On both occasions – when as a kid and then back in my teenage years -, I shared many adventures with him. In many respects, he was a bother and a father figure during my formative years. Among the many adventures, he taught me how to play chess and cook certain meals, took me on unforgettable traveling adventures, introduced me to Nueva Trova, and indulged and tolerated my high-school friends, joining us to play cards on the weekends.
As he and my sister eventually returned to Colombia over 20 years ago after living in the United States for a few years, we have grown apart. Still, the bond and the many memories we shared hold us together with love, care, compassion, and kindness. We are glued together by love, family ties, and journeys shared.
I honestly had not thought of asking him to meet up for a CWJ for no reason other than I just didn’t think of it. So I was honored when he asked me if I would include him in this project.
Took me a while but we finally had our virtual meeting a few weeks back. My takeaway from our eventual meeting: time colors and filters our understanding of our world.
Nothing to do with age or wisdom but our perception/comprehension/understanding of people, an event, a text, or what have you, all depend on where we are in life. We might see the same event or person in a completely different light today as we did a few years back. We evolve and so do our perceptions.
We might not understand something today but in a few years, we might gain a new perspective on it. The rub is that we might still not understand that thing but, at least, we might have a new insight and comprehension, informed by self-awareness, and the many steps taken in our life journey.
What that means is that perhaps we can give people, skills, or things that have alluded us before, a second, third, or fourth try throughout our lives.
My older sister and I have been sharing coffee for years but two weeks ago or so we sat down for an official Coffee with John meeting, making it Coffee with John #65. The takeaway: some conversations and connections will be ongoing. They will carry over and will always pick up where you left off.
I am fortunate enough to have a strong connection with all my siblings. As with any relationship, we have different bonds. With my older sister, she has been there for me at different, critical moments of my life. I remember when my father died it was my sister who first embraced and hugged me amidst the chaos and confusion.
The memories come in flashes, like in a dream: I am standing outside in front of the door of my house where a neighborhood kid meets me with the words, “your dad is dead.” I enter and walk aimlessly in the long-hallway of the house observing all that is happening around -people talking, crying, rushing in and out. In one of the rooms, I see my other sister inconsolably crying. I pass the room and keep going.
I continue down the hall where people look at me, pat me on the head, ask me if I need something to eat. I continue and come across the room where my dad is covered in a white sheet.
I am no longer looking inside the room. I continue walking among the sea of people almost undetectable, unseen. Among the confusion, I see her, my older sister who has recently arrived from out of town where she lives. I rush towards her and she embraces me, making it all so real yet all secure.
Since then, that has been my older sister. That figurehead that makes all feel real, yet secured. She was there for me when Lari died. She is here, stuck in Charlotte away from her family in Colombia, once again making all real, yet secure.
The other day I had the pleasure of having coffee with two incredible women whom I respect and adore deeply.
They are fierce, accomplished, smart, beautiful, tenacious, loving, and magnificent people. I have been fortunate to learn from them and share a friendship with them over the years. The friendship and dynamics are different with each one. Still, over the years, I have come to cultivate genuine connections with each.
My takeaway: how fortunate I have been to have amazing people in my life. We all do!
But it takes work to cultivate and maintain relationships, especially as we all move and experience life transitions. It is easy to let friendships slide or fall to the cracks. We can all get caught up in our own stories, neglecting to seed and fertilize our garden of friendships. When it comes to these two dear friends, I know there have been gaps when we were not in touch, sometimes for months or years. That happens. Fortunately, some bonds never fade away.
Appreciate the special people in your life. You are lucky to have them and they are lucky to have you. Cultivate and strengthen those links to build even deeper connections.
Some relationships are worth the investment. Sometimes is not a give or take approach. All relationships have different dynamics and require more work than others. Of course, it takes two to tango. You need to know when to walk away or provide the space when the other party is not reciprocating. All in all, appreciate those that bring light and love to your life.
Coffee with John #61, just before all hit the fan.
My last Coffee with John meeting seems like ages ago. This was before the pandemic shelter in place ordinance I know, right? Ages ago!
Still, the takeaway seems more relevant than ever. The soulful person I met up with talked about locking herself and getting in touch with creativity.
Not sure how she has followed through but creativity has recently been a place I go to when facing personal challenges. Improv classes, drawing, acting, attempting to play the uke, taking pictures, writing, and just doing projects around the house have worked for me during this last year or so as a safe place to deal with my emotions.
In the last few weeks, I have seen creativity flourishing in all areas. People are getting creative in communicating with friends, loved ones, and colleagues. I have seen families come together to play different games. I have seen people decorate their sidewalks with chalk drawings. I have seen videos of people doing all kinds of creative activities – dancing, singing from balconies, cheering healthcare workers from across buildings, etc. Creativity flourishing during critical times is nothing new. Shakespeare wrote the narrative poems “Venus and Adonis,” and “The Rape of Lucrece” during the 1592-94 plague. I am sure we can look at history and the samples abound.
We all deal with challenges differently and no one way is the right way. But I say embrace creativity in your life. It might not mean creating a masterpiece or even delving into artistic endeavors. Creativity comes in many shapes and forms. It’s up to you to find your medium.
Be safe and hope we can meet up sometime soon for coffee.
A few days/weeks had passed before I returned to taking yoga after Lari passed away.
I remember that first day back with clarity because right at the end, a fellow yogi came to me as I was rolling my mat. Without a word or any other exchanges, she just gave me a hug. I don’t think we exchanged any words. It was a beautiful gesture and I carry that with me whenever I see this friend.
Finally, this weekend, I had the pleasure of having a Coffee with John with this lovely human being. We have known each other for years but our friendship hasn’t gone beyond practicing together. This was our first time meeting outside yoga. It was a pleasure to get to know her better and share another special moment under different circumstances.
My takeaway from our Coffee with John: that we don’t need to attach any meaning to every interaction or experience. Let me elaborate.
I kept asking myself, what is my takeaway? What did I learn from this interaction? What is the lesson? What can I impart to others from this meeting?
Beyond cultivating a friendship and deepening my appreciation for this person, I have no big revelations. Two hours passed and we talked, laughed and shared personal stories of trials and tribulations. Maybe that is the takeaway. That is, that you need to take the time to share a piece of yourself with others in other to connect and truly feel.
(Not sure why this entry is not showing; reposting)
Takeaway:
People come into our lives through family connections, serendipity, special circumstances. We build those relationships, connect and sometimes, disconnect and, if lucky, reconnect down the road.
No matter how people come into your life or how strong your bond is with them, if they bring you joy, make the effort to share and spend time with them.
We get busy with life, work, other relationships, or whatever else. Life will always throw something that might take precedence in your mind but the effort to spend time with people that warm your heart and soul will yield insurmountable wealth in your life. Who brings joy to your life and when was the last time you reached out to them?
I am grateful for having had the chance to have an awesome Coffee with John New York edition. Love you, bro. You know who you are. Hope to see you and your family soon.
“It was my pleasure my righteous brotha (fist bump emoji)!”
That text basically sums up CWJ #59. Indeed, it was a pleasure. Conversation was light and fun. The subject(s) of the meeting is irrelevant. The takeaway, however: keeping and honoring your word.
It matters when you commit to something and follow through. I had mentioned my Coffee project to this individual and they had agreed to meet up. I honestly did not expect it to happen, especially since we are not close and months had passed before we actually caught up again. So it surprised me when they brought it up again after we had interacted a few other times without me ever mentioning it again.
“We had talked about it so..” that was part of his response when I thanked him for meeting me up. I appreciate him keeping and honoring a commitment he had made months ago.
I get that sometimes we have the best of intentions and life happens, preventing us from keeping promises or commitments we sometimes make on the fly. Also, I understand that we at times agree to things just to be polite, not wanting to hurt people’s feelings.
I am guilty of both. Guilty as sin.
Still, I try to honor my word and follow through when I make a commitment. If I tell you something and, if I don’t forget or circumstances don’t prevent me from it, I will follow through.
As for agreeing to things out of politeness, well, I am still working on that. Lately, I just rather stay silent without agreeing or disagreeing to anything. In those cases, I try to nod my head and smile.
But don’t worry if you have agreed to meet me for CWJ and have not done so. I don’t take it personally. I am not going to hold it against you. I am still going to like and treat you like before. I understand that there are thousands of reasons why. Also, if we are meant to meet up, we are meant to meet; I am not going to force anything.
All I am saying is that there is currency in keeping your word in your day-to-day life. Foremost, keep your word to yourself. If you made a promise/commitment to yourself., you owe it to yourself to honor it.
A major reason why that is that I haven’t been as active in reaching out to people. I want the meetings to be as organic and grounded as possible. I don’t want Coffee with John (CWJ) to be solely about me or about accruing meetups just for the sake of reaching a specific number of meetings.
If it takes me two or three years to reach that magic number, let it. If I never do, that’s fine as well.
Now, back to the takeaway from Coffee with John #57:
Sometimes, if not most, there will be no satisfactory answers to why things happen or why things are done to us. Life happens and we will feel that we have been wronged by others, many times over.
We can justify those events, circumstances, and reasons, but those answers might never truly quell what we seek.
What answers can we have for someone of a violent crime?
What can we tell a young child why his father or mother abandoned them?
What can we tell a man or a woman why their partners of XX years/months suddenly left or cheated on them?
What can you tell me why a relatively, young healthy person of no vices died of illness, suffering and in excruciating pain?
We can always find answer that fit the circumstances by saying, “things happen for a reason,” “that person is just incapable of loving you,” “it’s not your fault, it’s theirs,” “you were just a victim of circumstances,” or that “it’s all God’s plan.”
Perhaps, in those rare occasions, we will have the chance to confront and ask those we feel that have wronged us for answers, finding some solace in their response.
Not to invalidate any source that provides at least some sort of justification or reason to the whys, but I would argue that the answers need to come from within by making peace and truly letting go of those events that have scarred us.
The danger in not doing so is getting lost and being marked by those events, leading to unhealthy choices and behaviors that will only deepen our wounds and probably drag us down and others in the process.
I am not saying letting go is easy. I will be the first to tell you that I have been stuck many times over and over. And, unfortunately, I don’t have an answer on how do go about the process of letting go. I know what works for me – exercising, meditating, connecting with others, practicing forgiveness/kindness, seeking self-development and outlets of creativity, etc – but I am not going to tell you to follow my path.
We all have our journeys. Sometimes, we need outside forces in the form of therapy or medical intervention to help along the way. Hopefully, we can all carve out our own paths, leading to healing our hearts, spirits and minds.
All I can tell you is that I am a fellow traveler, falling and stumbling on the way.
I don’t know if I have a clear takeaway. What I left with was the thought of the stories we leave behind and the stories that precede us – those of our ancestors including our parents and next of kin.
How do those stories shape and define us? Do they inform us? Do the weight on us? Do those stories have any bearing on our lives and future? Do they matter in the end?
As someone that likes stories, I have always been curious about the stories of my relatives and those that came before me.
But what about mine? What is my story?
“…jmm was born in a small town in Colombia..life circumstances brought him to the United States where he lived in New York for XX years…Went to XX college..worked at XX place for XX years. He was married for XX years and had an only child. Not long after turning 45, his wife passed, leaving him a widower. After that, he continued to live in Charlotte NC for XX years until he blah, blah, blah. And that, children, is the story of your great grant-uncle/grandfather/great-grandfather/….”
That’s certainly part of my tale but do I even care if it’s passed down to future generations? Do you think of the story or legacy you will leave behind for the next bloodline?
All I can say is that what matters to me is having a positive imprint in the people around me – my kid, family, friends, colleagues, community and those I come in contact with, even for short periods.
In the end, whatever the story people will tell about me in the future (or even now) is filtered through their own lenses. So, all I can do is live life and write my story as life happens. I leave others to interpret and create their own narrative of it.
I guess the takeaway is that stories of our past, along with us, will fade. What matters is the now and how we chose to live our lives at this moment for ourselves and for those in our lives.
Coffee With John 