Tag: life

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#126 Coffee with John

What do you think of Charlotte as a community?

A recent comment made me reflect on my own experiences and sense of community here.

My coffee mates for this round of Coffee with John (CWJ), Alejandra and Pedro (Somos dos Universos/We are two Universes), share with me the strong sense of community we have found in the Queen City.

For two hours or so, we touched on different topics including their journey across the US, from the East Coast to the West – an adventure they set out to shortly after they arrived in the United States. They lived in New York, California, and Florida before settling in Charlotte. A common thread emerged: their strong sense of community.

In their short time living here, they have become an integral part of a thriving network of artists, entrepreneurs, and leaders through their social media and non-profit ventures, and their dedication to volunteering and supporting others.

As we chatted, they greeted a few familiar faces walking into the cafe. One woman, who was in the process of moving back to Charlotte after some time away, was introduced to us by one of those familiar faces. She shared a different perspective. Having lived here for two years previously, she felt the city lacked a sense of community.

Experiences can differ for so many reasons. A place that holds romantic notions for some can be a source of sadness and heartbreak for others. While I can’t speak for this woman’s experience, I can share my own. Like Alejandra and Pedro, I have found a welcoming and generous community in Charlotte.

The people I have met throughout my 17 years here have been my rock. When my wife was going through treatment, the community’s kindness and generosity helped us weather emotional and financial hardship. After her passing, the same support system, along with new connections, helped me through my grief with hugs, kind words, and practical acts like checking in and sending movie gift cards. When I ventured into projects like Coffee with John or Latinx Portraits, the community responded with unwavering support and faith in my abilities. I have had strangers sit with me for a cup of coffee. I have had an exhibit of my work. I have had the opportunity to receive a grant in support of my photography.

I’ve met wonderful people in New York and Florida, too. But the level of community I’ve experienced in Charlotte surpasses anything I found in the Big Apple or the Sunshine State. Alejandra and Pedro embody the spirit of community I cherish in this city.

I hope anyone moving here for the first time or returning can find the kindness, love, opportunities, and support I know Charlotte offers.

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#125 Coffee with John

“A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer.”

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

A super spy? A wealthy, brilliant engineer, inventor, turned half-man, half-machine with imaginable powers?

What makes a superhero? Who is your superhero in your life?

My mate for this round of Coffee with John and I had talked about our superheroes, among other topics. As a community organizer, he has many stories of people becoming superheroes in their own narratives.

One story he shared with me is that of a woman who overcame nearly losing her house by taking on the lender for unfair and predatory lending practices. She went from feeling powerless as a mother with a special needs child to finding her voice, overcoming her comfort zone to tackle Goliath. Her journey forced her to do public speaking and get comfortable talking to news outlets. Today, she continues to advocate, empowering others to find their voice.

My own superhero, my late wife, faced cancer with an unwavering spirit. Even in her darkest and most painful days, she found ways to inspire and lift others, never feeling sorry for herself. Through her journey, I met a handful of superheroes who stood by our side from the start of her cancer diagnosis to the day she died. Friends and members of her extended network carried us through those challenging days, from providing a shoulder to cry on, organizing fundraisers to help us deal with medical debt to bringing us food at times when we were physically and mentally drained. In particular, her friends Maria and Becky will always be my superheroes.

I don’t know what exactly makes a superhero a hero. I know that for me has been people lending a hand without any expectations, those overcoming extraordinary challenges, individuals or communities standing up for themselves or others, and those finding ways to lift their community.

Within that definition, my coffee companion for this round is a superhero. I admire his advocacy work, honesty in handling a history of depression, and determination to use art for self-expression and to lift others. Through his advocacy and art, he is sharing stories of unsung heroes and empowering many to lift their voices.

We might not all be the best version of ourselves at all times. We stumble, we falter, and our egos and emotions sometimes cloud our judgment. But within each of us is the potential for a small act of kindness, a word of encouragement, or a helping hand that can make a world of difference, not just for others, but for ourselves. All it might take is being brave for five minutes longer than the rest.

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#124 Coffee with John

“Ancient Egyptians believed that upon death they would be asked two questions and their answers would determine whether they could continue their journey in the afterlife. The first question was, ‘Did you bring joy?’ The second was, ‘Did you find joy?’”

-Leo Buscaglia

Have you always known what you wanted to do with your life? 

Some are lucky and find their calling early in life. 

Others are still searching. 

Since the age of five, I knew I wanted to be a grant writer, a sentiment no grant writer has ever uttered! 

Clearly, I group myself with the wandering souls, not to say I have not practiced or done what I love. I have been fortunate to successfully make a living by weaving words together.

They might not be novels, plays, poems, or what we might associate with writing, but life has allowed me to work on a craft supporting the arts as a grant writer for a theatre company. Ironically, I remember two or three people early in my life telling me that whatever I did in life should not be anywhere near writing. 

Perhaps those words of doubt fueled me with a drive to push myself to master the craft, hammering each comma and period at a time, leading to where I am today. To the chagrin of my detractors, I can confidently say now that I can write a cohesive sentence.

In the last few years, I have continued to explore other aspects that call out to me. This exploration is connecting me with the inner artists I have long neglected. As a kid, I enjoyed spending endless hours drawing and painting. Chasing photography brings me that same joy. The ability to combine photography and writing through my projects is a pinnacle I continue to pursue. 

Will I make a living out of it? Is that my calling? 

 I don’t believe in having one calling in life, nor am I pursuing fame, glory, and fortune. Why not embrace a polymathic approach if one can? What I am after is nourishing my soul and engaging in what brings me joy. Equally important for me is using whatever talents are at my disposal to tell stories, connect with community, and grow professionally, personally, and spiritually.  

Sharing, learning, nourishing the soul, and challenging myself are central to my pursuits. Concurrently, these elements align with my coffee mate’s goal to build a business to help people connect with their passions, dreams, and goals. 

My place here is not to talk about her business but rather to leave you with the query: how would you answer the question posed in the quote at the start of this write-up? 

What brings you joy? How are you spending your time in this season of your life? What are you doing to share your talents with the world despite what others think? What actions can you take today to unearth those dreams and passions long buried in the treasure box of your memories?

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#123 Coffee with John

Standing at the precipice, heart pumping, adrenaline kicking, the task at hand we have performed hundreds of times, yet the small voice whispering, “Can you do this?” 

How often do we doubt our capabilities, despite praise, recognition, or the repetition of that tantalizing task we pursue, one that might even pay the bills?

What comes to mind as a recent example is the year-long portrait project I recently completed, an initiative that actually put me in touch with the coffee mate inspiring this post. 

I embarked on taking 25 portraits of different people within the Latinx community. Each portrait posed a challenge. Some were easier than others, but being out there with the camera in hand and the person in front of me, I could hear that voice echoing in the back of my head.  

My anxiety/concern revolved around honoring the essence of the person and technically taking a good picture. 

Another example is when I have had to write a proposal for work in an unfamiliar area, or for a new project to develop. At that threshold, the voice comes and challenges me.  

Imposter syndrome, fear, lack of confidence, or maybe the passion that drives us puts that pressure. I recently listened to a podcast where author Robert Greene (The Art of Seduction, Mastery, The 48 Laws of Power, among other books) described his writing process and how each draft felt like a daunting, anxiety-inducing puzzle. Yet, each draft and iteration, a step closer to refining and polishing his ideas.  

The connection here is that instead of interpreting that little voice as doubt look at it as the catalyst for growth and push needed to spread your wings and take the leap from the edge of the precipice.

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#122 Coffee with John

I have great respect for the past. If you don’t know where you’ve come from, you don’t know where you’re going. I have respect for the past, but I’m a person of the moment. I’m here, and I do my best to be completely centered at the place I’m at, then I go forward to the next place.” — Maya Angelou

It’s a funny thing, our past. Does it define us? Does it dictate our present? Does it mark us with a scarlet letter to carry our whole lives? 

I don’t know if I developed the notion of the past not having any bearing on me after reading Bruce Lee’s Tao of Jeet Kune Do entering my twenties, but for a long time, I held that notion. “I have no past,” I would tell myself. 

Of course, I developed a lot of life philosophies after reading that book and during that early time of my formation, thinking I had unraveled the mysteries of life. 

But I am digressing, misguided or not, the past is a hard lover/partner/treasure/friend/foe to dismiss entirely.

We need to come to terms and make amends with whatever cards the past might have dealt us. Others might carry and have in their minds an unforgiving imprint of who we were at some point in our lives, reminding us of faults, shortcomings, sins, and transgressions. Heck, sometimes, you don’t need others to remind us. We are all well-versed in hitting those sweet melancholic notes to bring us down. 

The past might have marked us and influenced our direction in life, but the voices of the past have no room in keeping us prisoners to a skin we have long shed (if we indeed have shed that skin).     

I share Maya Angelou’s sentiment. I respect the past. It has shaped, influenced, provided a starting point in my life, and given me sweet memories, along with soured ones, too. 

But, ultimately, for most of us, what we have in front of us and how we choose to live our lives today, matters more. For others, without trying to sound too dramatic or religious, the road to salvation might not be so forgiving; your penance will be your cross to bear, each day an opportunity to amend the past and those left behind in the wake of our actions/inactions.

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#120 Coffee with John

I don’t do Japanese food.

They don’t make music like they used to.

I only listen to 80s music.

I don’t read. 

I don’t travel outside the country.

We are all guilty of making a variation of these claims. I know I am guilty of it. I only tried mussels for the first time about two years ago! 

We get entrenched in our ways without ever challenging our myopic ways, further building barriers as the years pass. Every day, we take a risk when we put our feet on the ground, yet we refuse to take small risks for no good reason; I challenge you to take the risk of letting go of your preconceived notions and self-imposed limitations. 

Unless bounded by dietary/religious/health reasons, go to that (insert name of the restaurant you have never tried); go wild and have mushrooms (not the psychedelic kind, mind you); get your passport in order and travel; listen for a whole week to different music outside your comfort zone; watch a movie you would not typically watch. Challenge your assertions and lose yourself in the experience. Do I have any guarantees or promises for you? 

Look, you may come away either reaffirming your previous assumptions or gaining a new perspective and appreciation. How will you know if you don’t dare?

Is it scary to let go and try something? Yes! It can be frightening and terrifying.  

Is it easy to let go of long-held attitudes and behaviors? No. 

That is the challenge and beauty of the unknown, waiting for us to take that step. We can expand our experience, increase brain plasticity, and enrich our lives by taking small yet powerful actions that engage us in the world.

I thank my coffee mate for Coffee with John#120 for reminding me and inspiring this takeaway. Let the unknown beckon us.

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#119 Coffee with John

Sitting down for coffee in New York City on a rainy, cold winter morning with one of my closest and oldest friends from college this past February triggered memories of the sweetness of a city I called home for nearly 17 years.

New York saw me grow, giving me unforgettable experiences, like running for my life after getting jumped in an apartment lobby on Halloween evening to my most memorable one: seeing my son born in Lenox Hill Hospital in Manhattan.

Whenever I step out into the New York City streets, part of me returns to a place and time of my life that warms my heart and soul. Sharing coffee and breakfast that morning with my friend moved me in a way I had not expected.

Our friendship has always gone through phases where some years we more or less lose touch. Still, no matter the years or how long we have not seen each other, we share one of those relationships where we can always pick up wherever we left off, talking and laughing about this and that.

Seeing this old friend had the same feeling that erupts within me whenever I return to New York: a coming back home in ways that feed and lift my spirit. I could not have asked for a more fitting impromptu “Coffee with John,” than this occasion.

Sounds corny, but the saying, “home is where the heart is” holds true. We can return to “home” in the relationships we carry, and in the places and people we hold close. Cherish the moments and opportunities to visit your metaphorical home.

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#117 Coffee with John

“What has been your favorite Coffee with John?” I get asked this question regularly.

It may sound like a cop-out, but I don’t have a definite answer. The 116 meetings so far have all had their moment in my heart, propelling me in the direction I needed. Having said that, meeting #117 stands on its own.

My son has a high school friend whom I have enjoyed knowing throughout the years. He is bright, charming, charismatic, curious, and engaging. In the last few years, he would surprise me with a visit when he was in the area, even knowing that my son was not home.

We would catch up and have a quick conversation, but those moments always felt rushed. Whenever he dropped by, I was either pressed for work or scrambling to rush out of the house.

I can’t remember how long it had been since I had seen or heard from him after he moved out of the area. So, I was thrilled when he reached out to schedule a Coffee with John meet-up at the beginning of this year.

After going back and forth, our meeting coincided with my son’s performance for CreativeMornings Charlotte. We had to do some shuffling and running around town that morning as he doesn’t have a car, but we worked it out, deciding I would pick him up to drive together to see my son perform.

Our coffee meeting started when he got inside the car until I dropped him off three hours later at his house after the CreativeMornings event. During that time, I had the chance to express my appreciation for his energy, kindness, sensibility, and his friendship with my son.

In between, we caught up with each other, experienced a great performance (I might be biased, but it was a wonderful and magical performance), and connected with creatives and community leaders attending the event. An added benefit for me was drinking a whole lot of free coffee! My hands were jittery from all the caffeine and the excitement of seeing my kid perform in front of a full house.

I loved that we were both flexible with the circumstances. Could we have been more present with each other? Could we have delved deeper into the various topics that surfaced? Probably, but we adapted and enjoyed the in-between moments.

We reconnected. He had the chance to enjoy his high school friend at a pivotal moment in his musical journey, and I got to enjoy my son and spend time with a delightful individual.

The takeaway: Move in the direction of the momentum. Surf that wave, losing and putting aside the rigidity of what it’s supposed to look or feel like. We get so caught up in ideals and forget to adapt to the water and surf.

Not from Coffee with John meetings – taken in a trip to New York, NY
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#116 Coffee with John

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” ― Rob Siltanen ( FYI: Steve Jobs didn’t write this as many think)

What is normal?

What is a “normal” life/job/livelihood/relationship?

We are all in a race to reach this so-called normal in all different aspects of our lives.

From childhood, we have been guided and instructed to follow the path of the student, professional, parent, wife, husband, 9 to 5 Joe, or whatever box fits.

But what is normal? Do we need to fit a societal mold to be considered good-standing citizens of the world?

The paradox is that what we consider “normal,” might not be for many; it all depends on where we are standing in relation to the quest. For many, college is the norm but for many financial or societal obstacles make it an untenable path.

Or even if we consider someone following/being normal, many areas of their lives or personalities might clash or defy the very same box we placed them in.

Normal becomes hard to describe and pinpoint when we get into nuances, but we can all agree that we can identify the outliners carving and hedging their unique road.

My companion for my Coffee with John #116 exemplifies the latter. I am in no position to tell her story. She is a web developer, yoga instructor, graphic designer, retreat facilitator, avid camper, future presidential candidate in the making, outdoors enthusiast living out in the woods for weeks, and much more. I admire her resilience, tenacity, and path as she makes her mark in this life.

The roads we take – normal or off the beaten path – all take us to where we find ourselves today. While we can’t retrace our steps, the beauty is that there is always a new road awaiting, beckoning us to take that first step into the unknown to create our adventure.

Deviate from the “normal” once in a while and surprise yourself.

I leave you with Robert Frost’s The Road Not Taken with this as I wrap my Coffee with John this December.

Happy holidays and best to you in 2023. Hope our paths cross as we take the road less taken.

The Road Not Taken

By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

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#115 Coffee with John

A simple act: losing yourself in the word of loved ones as an expression of appreciation, love, devotion, or curiosity. It can take the form of joining a friend, a lover, a partner, or a family member on a rainy, miserable day on their favorite activity but not so much yours. It can also entail reading a book important to them or taking a leap of faith and trying out food they love and that you have never heard of in your life.

The possibilities are endless and we all might partake in this simple act of love without realizing it. One way or another, we do it all the time but how many times do we do it deliberately and with intention?

I came away with that takeaway as I was wrapping Coffee with John #115. What came to mind specifically was taking the time to get to know, one-on-on, the people in the lives of our loved ones: their friends, lovers, and close associates. Stepping out of our relationship with that person to have a conversation with let’s say their boyfriend, wife, or best friend who is a stranger to us or we have only interacted with them in a group setting.

I understand that this might not always lend itself as relationship dynamics don’t always allow for those interactions. Taking that step could get us into murky territory and uncomfortable boundaries. Our wives/girlfriends/husbands might despise our friends or family members. Their friends or family members might not like us. Our beloved and beautiful partners might have a say in our desire to know their supermodel, attractive best friend. And we all have that one crazy friend we don’t even know how we are friends with in the first place. Do we really want that person talking to anyone in our circle? I am being hyperbolic but you get me, right?

Having said that, I want to advocate that if we can navigate those dynamics with clear intentions, we should take the time to sit down for a coffee with the people in close orbit with those we treasure. Take the time to know the friends of your spouse, parents, children, and close friends.

The experience might introduce you to a new person to appreciate and open up a new window into your loved ones. Or not. Still, take the step and dive into the world important to our loved ones. We might all be better for it.