Tag: loss

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#107 Coffee with John: Dating, Friendships, and Explorations

Lean into possibilities.

How many times do we dismiss invitations to new experiences either because of fear of newness or because something doesn’t fit our mold/expectations? From the small stuff to more hefty decisions, we are quick no say no and stay within the conform of our routines and what we know.

No to a party. No to a networking event. No to a last-minute invitation. No to hanging out with new people outside our established network. No to forgiveness. No to uncertainty. No to…you fill in the blank.

I am the first to tell you that I am guilty of it and will probably say no to many things that challenge my comfort zone. Yet, I have, especially in the last few years, leaned in more in the positive direction: saying yes and conquering many inhibitions.

Yes to opening my heart again. Yes to improv classes. Yes to new friendships. Yes to traveling more. Yes to events. Yes to engaging people and activities I would have dismissed in the past.

The positives outweigh any, if any, negatives as a result of being open to the “new” experiences.

Inspired by her recent journey and my relationship with her, my coffee mate for this round is a prime example. We met on a dating app. While I can’t speak on her behalf, I think it’s a safe bet to say that we both didn’t feel a romantic connection. It could have been easy to go our separate ways with the usual pleasantries and the empty promise of a friendship. Yet, for over a year now, we have kept and leaned into that promise of cultivating a friendship, inviting each other into our lives, sharing interests, dating experiences, and life and adventure stories. I have another such friend that I meant while I was in the dating online world.

Don’t get the wrong impression here. I haven’t befriended everyone that I had met on dating sites nor do I offer my friendship that readily. Still, the times I have and people have reciprocated, the dividends have been tenfold. I don’t know if those friendships will endure the passage of time. All I know for this moment is that my horizons have expanded with new knowledge, music, social networks, and friendships.

My coffee mate is on her own journey of leaning into possibilities, exploring untapped relationships and potentials. I am not proposing for you to follow my path. Forge your way and delve into possibilities in different areas of your life. Say yes to something that you have put aside for a while or keep saying no to. You never know where the journey will lead you. Let’s challenge ourselves to explore and see possibilities where we normally don’t.

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106 Coffee with John: Serendipitous Meeting

How many times can you say that you have randomly met a person who has been published in the popular The New York Times Modern Love section, a column you secretly had been eyeing to submit your story? 

I have the American essayist and humorist David Sedaris to thank for bringing our paths together.

Having read a few of his books and seen Sedaris live once, prompted me to ask my fellow passenger on a recent flight from NYC to NC about his latest book resting on her lap.

That started the conversation, veering into her telling me that she had read the book resting on the side of my aisle, The Situation and the Story: The Art of Personal Narrative by Vivian Gornick.

At that point, I knew this was not your ordinary passenger leisurely reading. She was one of my people, a fellow kindred spirit. The Situation and the Story is a title I had recently acquired thanks to, wait for it, Modern Love. You are probably saying, “what!?”

Exactly my thought when she told me that she had read Gornick’s book. I did a double “what” when she told me she had come across it the same way I had: reading submission tips by Daniel Jones, the editor of Modern Love.  After that discovery, she gracefully shared that her story had been published in that famous column.

Do you know how big of a deal that is? According to the stats by the editor, they receive about 5,000 submissions a year. Only 1% percent lands a spot!

It’s a huge deal, indeed. Aside from signifying that you have a way with words, it signals that a major altering event has shaped your past or current life.

My subsequent Coffee with John meeting with my fellow passenger/kindred spirit a few weeks later after our encounter made me think of the consequential questions/circumstances we deal with at different stages of our lives, questions that no matter how old you are or where you are in your life are never welcome. 

From dealing with unrequited love, betrayal, health issues, loss of loved ones, or loss of self, we are all going to face a wrecking; it is inevitable. The important answer to those questions or situations is how we deal with them at the moment or within the subsequent years.

Do we lose ourselves in the question(s)? Do our identities become bigger than the circumstances? Do we drown and bring others down with us as we are challenged to emerge from dark waters? Do we triumph at the end with dignity and grace? Do we let anger, fear, mistrust, or whatever the accompanying emotions mark, rule, and dictate our actions for years to come?

Not sure if there is a definite answer to any of those. Unscathed we will not be but, as we make our way through the murkiness of life, perhaps we need to go through different iterations to find a path closer to the better versions of ourselves. Whatever our journey, I find that we are never truly alone. We all have shared experiences where we can find a moment of connection, helping us in our pilgrimage.

In that spirit, I  encourage you to read the powerful and moving Modern Love story my fellow passenger wrote. Maybe, as you dive and lean into her story, you can find answers and a path to questions facing you.

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#105 Coffee with John: Finding Inspiration

inspiration – noun

in·spi·ra·tion/ˌinspəˈrāSH(ə)n/ : something that makes someone want to do something or that gives someone an idea about what to do or create : a force or influence that inspires someone

The journey of discovering or coming across moments that spark and infuse inspiration can be a fickle mistress.

Not always the case, but a combination of love, loss, heartbreak, despair, turmoil, chaos, anguish can all serve as that flame and spark opening a path for us to take that step into creativity. At least in my experience, it seems the muses visit when we are wrestling with moments that test us.

The need to connect with others to deal with grief gave birth to Coffee with John. The interactions I have had fuel the continuation of this journey. What I find humbling as well is that the premise of this project, that of connecting with others, can go beyond myself: inspiring others to take a similar path to deal with their journeys.

That’s what prompted my last coffee mate to meet me. She came across my project through Facebook and wanted to learn more about my journey to perhaps adopt the idea as she wrestled with a series of personal setbacks including the loss of loved ones.

I don’t know what she has done since we last met a few weeks back now. All I can say is that if my journey can inspire others, I am honored to serve as a spark.

In the fickleness of inspiration, the funny thing is that we never know how our actions and how we choose to live our lives can inspire others.

What inspires you? Who inspires you? Where do you find inspiration?

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#104 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition: The Past Colliding with the Future

Memories of times, circumstances, and people from our past are tricky, especially if three decades have passed in between.

We hold memories frozen in time, a permanent canvas we have affixed through the paintbrushes of our truths. We seize in our timeline circumstances and people, giving them attributes we still think hold. How they spoke, behaved, or looked, we hold in our mind as if time had not transpired.

Whenever I connect with a person from my past, my memories collide with theirs, forming and amplifying my affixed canvas with their own brushes of paint. The painting takes a more expansive view with new context, hues, and realities. What they remember, how they perceived me and their experiences add to the memories, giving me a glimpse into new perspectives.

Not surprisingly, the image of who the people I knew them to be at 15 or at whatever age our past selves had crossed, crumbles as well. Physical attributes might remain, but whatever image or memories of who they were, are but a mirage when looking through the lens of the now,

Questions of genuine change come to mind when I think of all this: how have we ourselves have changed without ourselves considering the passing years? Are we the same deep inside? Are the fears, insecurities, awkwardness of our youth still lurking on the surface, holding us back from becoming the better versions of ourselves? Physical appearances wane but, at the core, can people change?

I know I am not the same person from my youth or even from three or two years ago. Along the way, I have confronted fears, hang-ups and have faced life circumstances that have shaped who I am at this moment. Still, the journey continues. Lots of work to go.

I appreciate my coffee mate for sharing his past and present self with me. I am honored and grateful for his honesty in letting me into a window of his life as he confronts personal and emotional challenges. The upward stream we all face in the journey of life can become part of our core and what can as our cataclysm for change, a change for the better.

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An Invitation – What is your Story?

When was the last time you told your story?

This is a question poet/author Mark Nepo asks in his “The Book of Awakening,” entry for September 5th, page 303.

The question is an invitation to share your story as a way to heal, mend the heart, and come to terms with the past.

Telling your story can save and liberate you. Write down your story or tell it, over and over again.

My only word of caution is don’t become your story or overindulge. That’s always a fine line to walk, one we might need to cross to fully understand and come to terms with our story.

So tell me your story?

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#102 Coffee with John

The introvert, my penultimate meeting, and the extrovert, my most recent.

The former, a self-proclaimed introvert, did not mind aspects of the pandemic. Acknowledging her good fortune – health, economic stability, and other blessings in her life – the circumstances of social distancing and the limited social engagements provided opportunities for personal healing, self-discovery, relaxation, discovery, and a much welcomed slower pace of life.

On the other hand, the self-proclaimed introvert, also aware and grateful of her good fortunes, had a different experience. The pandemic provided a set of unwelcome challenges and tribulations.

Two experiences through different lenses.

The experience of meeting these two incredibly warm and grounded, yet different individuals highlighted and reminded me of the importance of connecting with others.

No matter how we experience, sense, or interact with the world, making connections at the individual or at levels that fit our comfort level nourishes the spirit.

Both of them ventured to meet and connect with me for the first time. Our respective interactions provided a point of accentuation – a break in our daily lives inviting us into a journey of laughter, conversation, and discovery.

Hearing their divergent experiences opened my own lens of understanding, compassion, and sympathy/empathy.

It is easy to isolate, get caught in our daily routines, or stay in our lane without venturing to talk to strangers or meet up with different communities from ours. The challenge is to get over those hurdles. Jumping over those obstacles is a personal journey but I bet the introvert and the extrovert in you will appreciate the leap.

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Reflection of Gratitude

This post showed up on my Facebook Memories recently, conjuring up bittersweet memories of what seems like a lifetime ago.

A sentiment that comes across is the immense gratitude for all the people that supported and carried us through those difficult times.


So many to fully and properly acknowledge, from the team of doctors, nurses and hospice workers who showed compassion and care, friends who accompanied my wife to her chemo sessions, the folks that started meal trains and fundraising campaigns, to those that were there to console me when my wife passed.


In between, there are so many people that helped my family and myself get through.
I will forever be thankful to the kindness, love, generosity and love we were grateful to receive.

I give you my gratitude a million times over.


Gracias mil

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#101 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

 I have been bad.

I am mean like really bad. May 6!

A whole month plus since I had Coffee with John # 101.

Since then, I have gone to Florida and Virginia, visited Asheville thrice and other places in between here and there. I have celebrated another year around the sun, a double celebration as my son and I share birthdays.

To say the least, it has been a busy month of adventures, gatherings, and all sorts of celebrations and commemorations.

What wonderful reasons to postpone an entry that I had written in my mind the minute my conversation with my mate for my Coffee with John #101 had ended. Wonderful in that they are all little gifts life has afforded me. The gifts of traveling, sharing with loved ones, and rejoicing in magical, special moments.

Special moments like the last meeting in my journey of reaching 150 coffees. Meeting 101, a gift of its own, came via coffee mate #98 — the sister of a dear friend from my yoga community who I had not met before our coffee.

What stroke me from this last meeting was the beauty of granting your essence to another; that pure, wondrous gift you bring to this world.

Here a self-proclaimed introvert shared an hour of her time with a stranger. Among conversation about this and that, she broke out a beautiful ukulele her mother had given her as a gift following a family tradition to mend broken hearts. She played her song and sang a melodious tune with a soft, rich voice. As the hour came to an end, we said farewell and ended the conversation. Those transient are the little gifts life grants and are only possible when we open to receiving and giving. One of the most valuable commodities you possess is the light you bring. Play your song and share it.

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#99 Coffee with John

What do I do with the stories people tell me over these meetings? What do I write about after each meeting?

Since those questions have come up on some of my last meetups, let me address them as part of this entry.

Honestly, aside from perhaps informing my write-ups and giving me a window into those joining me, rarely do I write directly about what people tell me. Also, while there are exemptions, rarely do identify my coffee mates

No matter the subject, I treat the conversations as an intimate moment shared among two people. I don’t interview people nor do I feel I am in the position to share other people’s stories.

So what do I write about? Sometimes is about a feeling, an idea sparked by the conversation, or a reflection ignited by my feelings and the experience at the moment. Sometimes the ideas come immediately, and other times,it takes me sitting on and punctuating what I got out of the interaction.

Ultimately, I want to focus on a positive theme/concept inspired by the meeting.

Speaking of, the theme that jumped out to me the most from CWJ#99 is that of resilience. I am always amazed to hear how people have overcome the cards that life has given them.

Stressful, traumatic, and painful events can mark you. Those experiences can lead us to a destructive path or a place where we can’t move from, rendering us stuck in unhealthy patterns, relationships, and emotions of fear, anxiety and stress.

The challenge is always to turn adversity into a beautiful question or quest that goes beyond ourselves, fear, sadness, resentment, guilt, anxiety, or whatever negative emotions we carry into different aspects of our lives.

With all the trauma brought upon the pandemic, that is a challenge we as a collective may be wrestling with as we move into a new norm. I am not going to offer any answers. What I will say is that I hope part of the answers include a path full of discoveries where we can all explore the many big and small possibilities life offers each day, leading to better relations with others and ourselves.

For inspiration, as we all look for a path of resilience, I encourage you to check out the self-published book of poetry (currently only available in Spanish) by Kurma Murrain, my coffee mate for this round. Also, you may check out her blog to learn more about this Colombian native making a mark as a poet and community advocate in Charlotte, NC.

My hope is that poetry and discovering your voice and the artist within you become part of your healing and tools of resilience.

Cafe, amor y sueño americano