Tag: personal

Posted on

#114 Coffee with John

Like a lot of things in life, I didn’t know it at the moment.

I had no plan to shed tears as I told my companion for Coffee with John #114 how I had met my wife. It was not in the works to show her the picture I carry inside the journal I take with me to my Coffee with John meeting of my wife wearing roller skates and a pink tutu. I had no intentions of showing and telling her what I was planning to do after we met with my wife’s wedding band and an 1800s Colombian coin that belonged to my father resting on my back packet that day.

I had no intention of sharing any of that but I could have told my coffee mate dark secrets I don’t even have in my vault of not-so-secrets.

I had only met her once in a group setting before our coffee meet-up. I can only guess what it was about her that opened me up to share the vulnerability and river of emotions I carried with me under my sleeve that morning.

Within two days on the eve of my wife’s death anniversary, perhaps my emotions were bursting to flow, waiting for the right conduit to set me free. I like to think that it was a combination of this and her magical prowess ensuing sereneness and calmness.

The hour went quickly and we only scratched the surface. Maybe we will continue the conversation another time or maybe that was the time we had for us to share inmate stories about family and moments in our lives that have shaped us.

And sometimes all we need is that one time to connect and share our hidden sentiments with a stranger, carrying us forward as we release emotions into the world for us to heal. I needed that moment without realizing it.

I drove to a jewelry store a friend had recommended years prior after our conversation where I took the wedding band and ring to make into a necklace, forging two treasures of my life into one.

A whole different story but for years I thought I had lost that coin — a coin I have been carrying since I was seven years old. When I found it again shortly after my wife’s death as I cleaned out her stuff, the idea of the necklace came to me almost immediately. But, for whatever reason, it had taken me four years to take the step into making it a reality. I am glad it did, though.

Sharing parts of my story with my coffee mate moments earlier felt ceremonial and serendipitous. All came together to remember and celebrate the memories of loved ones, as well as the connections of our past and future.

Posted on

106 Coffee with John: Serendipitous Meeting

How many times can you say that you have randomly met a person who has been published in the popular The New York Times Modern Love section, a column you secretly had been eyeing to submit your story? 

I have the American essayist and humorist David Sedaris to thank for bringing our paths together.

Having read a few of his books and seen Sedaris live once, prompted me to ask my fellow passenger on a recent flight from NYC to NC about his latest book resting on her lap.

That started the conversation, veering into her telling me that she had read the book resting on the side of my aisle, The Situation and the Story: The Art of Personal Narrative by Vivian Gornick.

At that point, I knew this was not your ordinary passenger leisurely reading. She was one of my people, a fellow kindred spirit. The Situation and the Story is a title I had recently acquired thanks to, wait for it, Modern Love. You are probably saying, “what!?”

Exactly my thought when she told me that she had read Gornick’s book. I did a double “what” when she told me she had come across it the same way I had: reading submission tips by Daniel Jones, the editor of Modern Love.  After that discovery, she gracefully shared that her story had been published in that famous column.

Do you know how big of a deal that is? According to the stats by the editor, they receive about 5,000 submissions a year. Only 1% percent lands a spot!

It’s a huge deal, indeed. Aside from signifying that you have a way with words, it signals that a major altering event has shaped your past or current life.

My subsequent Coffee with John meeting with my fellow passenger/kindred spirit a few weeks later after our encounter made me think of the consequential questions/circumstances we deal with at different stages of our lives, questions that no matter how old you are or where you are in your life are never welcome. 

From dealing with unrequited love, betrayal, health issues, loss of loved ones, or loss of self, we are all going to face a wrecking; it is inevitable. The important answer to those questions or situations is how we deal with them at the moment or within the subsequent years.

Do we lose ourselves in the question(s)? Do our identities become bigger than the circumstances? Do we drown and bring others down with us as we are challenged to emerge from dark waters? Do we triumph at the end with dignity and grace? Do we let anger, fear, mistrust, or whatever the accompanying emotions mark, rule, and dictate our actions for years to come?

Not sure if there is a definite answer to any of those. Unscathed we will not be but, as we make our way through the murkiness of life, perhaps we need to go through different iterations to find a path closer to the better versions of ourselves. Whatever our journey, I find that we are never truly alone. We all have shared experiences where we can find a moment of connection, helping us in our pilgrimage.

In that spirit, I  encourage you to read the powerful and moving Modern Love story my fellow passenger wrote. Maybe, as you dive and lean into her story, you can find answers and a path to questions facing you.

Posted on

#103 Coffee with John: A Reckoning

Three years into the project with 40, plus coffee meet-ups to reach my goal. The journey leading here has not always been smooth: lack of energy to move forward, questioning my drive and desire to continue.

Why am I doing this project still? With passing of time and grief taking a different hue, what drives the project? Is the project changing from its original iteration? What is the driving force behind my motivation now? Are there any other takeaways I can gauge without repeating myself?

Meeting number 103 helped me address some of those queries. My coffee mate shared part of his story and talked to me about his personal and creative outlets – powerlifting, photography, film, vlogs.

The challenge of pursuing a passion, personal endeavor/goal, fitness goals came up in the conversation. Recently, I saw a friend post on their social media a meme about choosing your hard. That echo with the sentiments we had discussed. All can be hard, depending on how you look at that one thing that keeps eluding you – losing weight, seeking relationships, overcoming personal challenges, pursuing artistic goals. Each pursuit can be a challenge for different reasons: time, money constraints, professional hurdles, limiting believes.

How we overcome those challenges, and how much sweat and energy we pour into them become part of the equation of how we choose to live our lives. Part of my path since my wife’s passing has been creating connections and pursuing different personal artistic ventures. Coffee with John is part of that journey.

My coffee meet-up reminded me how much I enjoy engaging with people, hearing their stories, and learning and being inspired by the conversations. The original drive that inspired me to start this project is evolving. I am not the same person from three years ago. What iteration will this project have when I end is to be determined.

For now, I will continue to enjoy the journey.

What is your journey? How do you choose to live your life? What pursuits challenge you?

If you are interested in hearing others wrestle with those questions or even being part of the conversation, I encourage you to listen to my coffee mate’s podcasts Create Inspire Explore on Spotify or tune into his YouTube channel.

Posted on

#102 Coffee with John

The introvert, my penultimate meeting, and the extrovert, my most recent.

The former, a self-proclaimed introvert, did not mind aspects of the pandemic. Acknowledging her good fortune – health, economic stability, and other blessings in her life – the circumstances of social distancing and the limited social engagements provided opportunities for personal healing, self-discovery, relaxation, discovery, and a much welcomed slower pace of life.

On the other hand, the self-proclaimed introvert, also aware and grateful of her good fortunes, had a different experience. The pandemic provided a set of unwelcome challenges and tribulations.

Two experiences through different lenses.

The experience of meeting these two incredibly warm and grounded, yet different individuals highlighted and reminded me of the importance of connecting with others.

No matter how we experience, sense, or interact with the world, making connections at the individual or at levels that fit our comfort level nourishes the spirit.

Both of them ventured to meet and connect with me for the first time. Our respective interactions provided a point of accentuation – a break in our daily lives inviting us into a journey of laughter, conversation, and discovery.

Hearing their divergent experiences opened my own lens of understanding, compassion, and sympathy/empathy.

It is easy to isolate, get caught in our daily routines, or stay in our lane without venturing to talk to strangers or meet up with different communities from ours. The challenge is to get over those hurdles. Jumping over those obstacles is a personal journey but I bet the introvert and the extrovert in you will appreciate the leap.

Posted on

Reflection of Gratitude

This post showed up on my Facebook Memories recently, conjuring up bittersweet memories of what seems like a lifetime ago.

A sentiment that comes across is the immense gratitude for all the people that supported and carried us through those difficult times.


So many to fully and properly acknowledge, from the team of doctors, nurses and hospice workers who showed compassion and care, friends who accompanied my wife to her chemo sessions, the folks that started meal trains and fundraising campaigns, to those that were there to console me when my wife passed.


In between, there are so many people that helped my family and myself get through.
I will forever be thankful to the kindness, love, generosity and love we were grateful to receive.

I give you my gratitude a million times over.


Gracias mil

Posted on

#98 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

“Start close in,
don’t take the second step
or the third,
start with the first
thing
close in,
the step
you don’t want to take…“

Coffee with John #98 reminded me of the first lines in David Whyte’s poem, “Start Close In.”

98 coffees later and I still get nervous at times when I am meeting a person for the first time. Will the conversation go well? Will I be able to be present and be somewhat coherent? Will I make a fool out of myself? What if things don’t go well or become awkward?

How many times do we let those types of doom-like questions prevent us from taking that step we don’t want to take? From saying “I love you,” drawing a will, having a difficult conversation with another or yourself, going out to a venue by yourself, taking a class, to launching a new business, we have so many areas in our personal and professional lives where taking that initial, first step can completely enrich and alter our lives, even for a brief moment. Yet, how many times do we not take that crucial step, completely limiting our experiences and sabotaging ourselves out of fear or nervousness?

I have over the years taking that stet I so dreaded in different areas of my life. For the most part, the rewards have been ten-fold. Yoga comes to mind as an example. I had always wanted to do it but it took a friend of my wife to accompany me to the first few classes before yoga became a staple in my life. Taking that step has led to many friendships and experiences, including this round of coffee.

I know I have many aspects of my life where I need to nudge myself still to take that step I don’t want to take. Avoiding conflict to keep “the peace” is one of those. In some areas taking that first step is easier than others. Other times, it takes a lot more mustering. And, of course, we all have circumstances where we might need to take that first time many times over before we get grounded.

I invite you to join me in challenging yourself in taking that step in an area in your life – take that step you don’t want to take. In an area of your life that you see as the appropriate time, with courage and love, take your own step on your terms.

Posted on

#95 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

I never thought getting a no/rejection letter could feel so damn good.

After going back and forth for a few weeks with the creator and editor of the HuffPost Personal, he wrote, “…let me say what a truly, truly beautiful piece you’ve written…Ultimately, the piece isn’t a fit for us. It would have to be chopped down. It would lose a lot of the love and luster and care that’s there. And I don’t want to do that. I hate having to say no (I say no 99% of the time due to my budget and limited space) but I especially hate saying it when I actually love the piece…I do hope that you’ll share this with your friends and family (and maybe you can find another home for it somewhere else too).“

Receiving and reading those words made me feel relieved, heard, and acknowledged.

I had originally submitted a different piece from what I ended up writing at the end. At that time, without expecting a reply, I got an email from an actual person telling me that he would get back to me soon. (That in itself was thrilling).

After a few exchanges and connecting on a personal level, he gave me candid notes and the option to resubmit.

I am so glad and grateful for the experience of having to rewrite that original essay. The process, while emotional, I found it cathartic and liberating. It took me about two, plus weeks to finish it as revisiting memories of my wife brought tears to my eyes. But, I don’t think I would have completed the piece if it wasn’t for that initial spark the HuffPost editor ignited.

Getting published by the HuffPost would have been incredible (and a middle finger to the few people in my life that at some point discouraged or disparaged my writing abilities) but how cool is it that I ended up having Coffee with John (CWJ) with the editor, making him part of the magical seven to reach the 100 milestone to ultimately reach my 150 goal.

The conversation I had with him was priceless. He is the type of person you want to be friends with from the get-go. After some technical issues on my end with Zoom, our time went by quickly, only scratching the surface on a variety of topics. A few things stood out for me from this meetup.

One, here is a grounded individual who loves his job and gives a lot of care with the trust he is giving by hundreds of people hoping to share their personal stories with the world. The other thing that stood out for me comes down to the power of telling or putting down your story in writing. As my coffee mate and many others have noted, writing down your story can save and give your life a new direction.

If you have a story to tell, I encourage you to share it with others or write it down to exorcise those feelings, emotions, secrets out of your system. If you are compelled to submit your story to the HuffPost, please, do it. You never know where the journey might take you.

As for my essay, now more than ever, I am determined to find a home for it and see where that Odyssey leads me.

Posted on

#93 Coffee with John

Coffee with John #93

My Coffee with John (CWJ) mate for this round I met recently via an old post of a David Whyte poem that I had shared on a Facebook North Carolina Singles Group I had briefly joined and left, circa April 2020.

Somehow, as she was searching for David Whyte, she found the old post, leading her to recently contact me through my Coffee with John Facebook page. After a few exchanges, she kindly accepted my invitation to meet up as part of CWJ.

We talked about what led to our meeting and, among other things, discussed in passing David Whyte’s Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words.

In this book – a read I recommend you emerge yourself in -, Whyte takes everyday words and beautifully gives them a rebirth, expanding on their etymology and significance.

In the spirit of that book and the nature of this round of CWJ, here is my reflection/takeaway from this last coffee encounter with the word stranger as the anchor:

A Stranger

Who/what is a stranger?

A random act of generosity offered to you at a time of crisis with no reciprocity required by a person who happens to notice you at that moment when you are feeling alone with the void of familiar faces around  

A person exchanging a smile with you as they pass you, never to see them again

A passerby generously stopping to give you kind and helpful words as you seek their guidance to help you find your destination

A begrudged individual throwing insults your way because somehow your looks or way of being has offended their sensitivities.

A friend/lover/old neighbor no longer part of your life…  

I have met a lot of strangers as part of  CWJ. Some have moved into the friendship category – until they become strangers again shall our season of friendship end.

Smiles, acts of kindness, helpful words, and ephemeral moments to cherish have all been exchanged during my coffee encounters, a journey I cherish and continue to cultivate and nurture.

 

Posted on

#80 Coffee with John

An introspection more than a takeaway….

A season of wind chimes. The wind making its way through them, creating music, movement, and ripple effects on each imaginary chime highlighting a season – a happy, brief, beautiful season of romantic entanglement. The impact reverberates still with residuals of the wind occasionally swishing the inner chimes of space.

People come into our lives, enhancing and redirecting our lives to new roads and journeys. Their passing through our lives, like the wind, moves us to new directions, ventures, and destinations. Their influence – as well as ours on them- perhaps will never be fully known to either. Meditation, new books, different perspectives in life, and hobbies adapted into my life have all been shaped by different seasons of entanglements.

The space and length of time shared with a person might not matter. It could be years, months, weeks, or minutes shared in the crossing of paths but, in the end, the interactions leave a mark. Ultimately, the decision of how a person affects you is up to you. Not denying the love, hurt, or other strong emotions that a person can elicit. Still, their season in your life, if ended or just at the start, can provide you with invaluable lessons about yourself, marking new paths for your development and happiness.

As I rushed out from Coffee with John #80 following a new path brought upon by past interactions and outcomes of a season(s) long gone, I wondered what other lessons I have yet to experience and mysteries to uncover by unexpected/surprising encounters with people from my past and those I have yet to meet.

Posted on

#68 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

I have ventured out to increase my reach by posting about CWJ on different neighborhood FB Groups around my area.

The response has been positive with some folks reaching out, resulting in me having my first virtual coffee with a person completely outside my close network — I have had met with folks I didn’t know but they have been a direct association to Lari’s circle of friends.

The takeaway from Coffee with John #68: we never know what types of treasures we will find once we venture out.

My coffee mate, Elizabeth From Carolina, aside from kindly sharing her story, told me about an Ancient Spanish coin she found on the shores of North Carolina in a remote beach she and her family have been visiting for years. The story of her find is in it  self a treasure that she can pass to family, along with the coin itself.

Connecting with a stranger and sharing a conversation for me was the treasure I found in my venturing to broaden my reach. Wander about and find hidden treasures.