#109 Coffee with John: Question, Lean into Curiosity

Rare are those skillful in asking questions from deep down their heart with genuine curiosity. I am not talking about the questions that you might exchange in your ordinary, day-to-day interactions, say a first date, a working meeting, and an interview. (Although what I am talking about here can happen in any of those scenarios, too).

What I am talking about is the type of situation where you get deep and lost in a conversation where the person is asking you question after question in a manner that is not intrusive but welcoming, not accusatory but explorative, not diminishing but encouraging, not perfunctory but thorough, not as an avoidance ruse but an invitation to conversation. The type of questions that are thoughtful and insightful, beckoning you to answer with all guards down; where you feel heard and seen.

I have only encountered a few of those rare inquisitive wizards in my lifetime. They are curious and can create an almost magical atmosphere where the exchanges are mutual and the conversation is selfless. Such was my coffee-mate for CWJ #109. It’s no wonder why she is pursuing a master’s in therapy. She has a gift!

But we don’t need to be of a special breed or be pursuing a master’s. That quality of becoming a wizard at asking insightful questions is not out of our reach. The magic recipe is leaning into our curiosity, exploring our inquisitiveness about the other person, and putting aside egos, nerves, agendas. The payout is rapport and a stronger bond with people.

Don’t take my word for it. Have you heard of what has become known as the 36 Questions to Fall in Love? If you haven’t, read about the study of principal psychologists Arthur Aron, Ph.D., and Elaine Aron, Ph.D., a study made popular in a New York Times Modern Love essay.

I don’t know if you will find love by embracing and testing out those questions in the field but at least you can’t draw some inspiration to have in your armor for the next time you are ready to engage in a magical conversation.

Taking my cue, it is only fitting that I ask you a question inspired by one of the 36: What are three things you currently feel most grateful for?

Here are my three:

My son – Born on my birthday, he is the best gift I have ever received. As soon as I saw him coming out of Lari’s womb, I was in love (no need for any question). Love, magic, adventure, anxiety, worry, and all the wonders fatherhood brings I welcome and continue to enjoy in the endless adventure that is parenthood.
The people in my life – I am grateful for the special people in my life. I am grateful for a good network of friends. I am grateful for good colleagues. I am grateful for good neighbors. I am grateful for people that I rarely know but make a visit to the gym, the supermarket or other places I frequent, a joy.
My health – , I am grateful for my general good health. I am grateful to have the ability to do what I like – yoga, run, exercise, hike, etc. I am grateful that I don’t suffer from any underlining conditions.

Your turn.

December 1, 2021

#105 Coffee with John: Finding Inspiration

inspiration – noun

in·spi·ra·tion/ˌinspəˈrāSH(ə)n/ : something that makes someone want to do something or that gives someone an idea about what to do or create : a force or influence that inspires someone

The journey of discovering or coming across moments that spark and infuse inspiration can be a fickle mistress.

Not always the case, but a combination of love, loss, heartbreak, despair, turmoil, chaos, anguish can all serve as that flame and spark opening a path for us to take that step into creativity. At least in my experience, it seems the muses visit when we are wrestling with moments that test us.

The need to connect with others to deal with grief gave birth to Coffee with John. The interactions I have had fuel the continuation of this journey. What I find humbling as well is that the premise of this project, that of connecting with others, can go beyond myself: inspiring others to take a similar path to deal with their journeys.

That’s what prompted my last coffee mate to meet me. She came across my project through Facebook and wanted to learn more about my journey to perhaps adopt the idea as she wrestled with a series of personal setbacks including the loss of loved ones.

I don’t know what she has done since we last met a few weeks back now. All I can say is that if my journey can inspire others, I am honored to serve as a spark.

In the fickleness of inspiration, the funny thing is that we never know how our actions and how we choose to live our lives can inspire others.

What inspires you? Who inspires you? Where do you find inspiration?

November 4, 2021November 30, 2021

#104 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition: The Past Colliding with the Future

Memories of times, circumstances, and people from our past are tricky, especially if three decades have passed in between.

We hold memories frozen in time, a permanent canvas we have affixed through the paintbrushes of our truths. We seize in our timeline circumstances and people, giving them attributes we still think hold. How they spoke, behaved, or looked, we hold in our mind as if time had not transpired.

Whenever I connect with a person from my past, my memories collide with theirs, forming and amplifying my affixed canvas with their own brushes of paint. The painting takes a more expansive view with new context, hues, and realities. What they remember, how they perceived me and their experiences add to the memories, giving me a glimpse into new perspectives.

Not surprisingly, the image of who the people I knew them to be at 15 or at whatever age our past selves had crossed, crumbles as well. Physical attributes might remain, but whatever image or memories of who they were, are but a mirage when looking through the lens of the now,

Questions of genuine change come to mind when I think of all this: how have we ourselves have changed without ourselves considering the passing years? Are we the same deep inside? Are the fears, insecurities, awkwardness of our youth still lurking on the surface, holding us back from becoming the better versions of ourselves? Physical appearances wane but, at the core, can people change?

I know I am not the same person from my youth or even from three or two years ago. Along the way, I have confronted fears, hang-ups and have faced life circumstances that have shaped who I am at this moment. Still, the journey continues. Lots of work to go.

I appreciate my coffee mate for sharing his past and present self with me. I am honored and grateful for his honesty in letting me into a window of his life as he confronts personal and emotional challenges. The upward stream we all face in the journey of life can become part of our core and what can as our cataclysm for change, a change for the better.