Tag: questions

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#128 Coffee with John

The phrase “live your truth” is often touted as a guiding principle, but what does it mean?

Is it an act of bravery, or can it be seen as selfishness? What price do we pay for pursuing our path? Where do we draw the line between pathological behavior and a moral compass? Where is the boundary between honoring your inner truth and disregarding the impact on others?

The lines between living authentically and considering others’ feelings can be blurred or be clearly defined, depending on the context. Would we lie to family and friends, pretending all is well? Would we hide parts of our personality to conform to the status quo? What price are we willing to pay (either way, there is a price to pay)?

I can’t pretend to know the answers or know how I would tackle a situation that would force me to break from my community, friends, or family. The closest I have come is distancing myself due to political disagreements, but I strive to meet people with mutual respect and civility.

Markus Zusak’s “The Book Thief” provides an extreme example where the protagonists subtly defy Nazi Germany. Their quiet acts of kindness were a form of resistance and living with accordance with their inner values, but outright defiance meant death and punishment for their loved ones.

Fortunately, most of us never face such dire predicaments. Still, life is full of circumstances where embracing our truth can feel like a death sentence, breaking away from family, work, community, and friends. This can take the form of ending a relationship, disavowing core beliefs or embracing our hidden sexuality . Whatever the circumstances, bravery and integrity are required: integrity to live by your inner compass; and bravery to endure the price, including judgment, alienation, criticism, and backlash.

I didn’t get to discuss these questions with her but this brings me to Desiree, my coffee mate for this round of “Coffee with John.” You can read her story of living her truth in her own words as part of the HuffPost Personal essays here.

Desiree and her husband made a decision that changed their lives. What prompted me to invite her for a virtual coffee was not their decision to abandon their church or open their marriage, but her openness to connect with people from different walks of life—parallel to the spirit that fuels my “Coffee with John.”

Despite our three-hour time zone difference, in the spirit of CWJ, Desiree joined me with a black, cold brew from their special batch. We discussed her journey since her 2023 HuffPost article. Her life has had ups and downs, but she remains on a path of self-discovery as a wife, writer, mother, and sexual being in the exploration of her sexuality.

Our conversation ended abruptly as our Zoom time ran out, leaving many questions and themes unearthed.

I leave you with these questions to consider: How are you living your truth? Will you open yourself to scrutiny in search of your tribe, even if it means leaving behind what has shaped you so far?

Ultimately, living our truth requires a delicate balance on the high wire of life, where we must adjust each step to prevent falling.

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#109 Coffee with John: Question, Lean into Curiosity

Rare are those skillful in asking questions from deep down their heart with genuine curiosity. I am not talking about the questions that you might exchange in your ordinary, day-to-day interactions, say a first date, a working meeting, and an interview. (Although what I am talking about here can happen in any of those scenarios, too).

What I am talking about is the type of situation where you get deep and lost in a conversation where the person is asking you question after question in a manner that is not intrusive but welcoming, not accusatory but explorative, not diminishing but encouraging, not perfunctory but thorough, not as an avoidance ruse but an invitation to conversation. The type of questions that are thoughtful and insightful, beckoning you to answer with all guards down; where you feel heard and seen.

I have only encountered a few of those rare inquisitive wizards in my lifetime. They are curious and can create an almost magical atmosphere where the exchanges are mutual and the conversation is selfless. Such was my coffee-mate for CWJ #109. It’s no wonder why she is pursuing a master’s in therapy. She has a gift!

But we don’t need to be of a special breed or be pursuing a master’s. That quality of becoming a wizard at asking insightful questions is not out of our reach. The magic recipe is leaning into our curiosity, exploring our inquisitiveness about the other person, and putting aside egos, nerves, agendas. The payout is rapport and a stronger bond with people.

Don’t take my word for it. Have you heard of what has become known as the 36 Questions to Fall in Love? If you haven’t, read about the study of principal psychologists Arthur Aron, Ph.D., and Elaine Aron, Ph.D., a study made popular in a New York Times Modern Love essay.

I don’t know if you will find love by embracing and testing out those questions in the field but at least you can’t draw some inspiration to have in your armor for the next time you are ready to engage in a magical conversation.

Taking my cue, it is only fitting that I ask you a question inspired by one of the 36: What are three things you currently feel most grateful for?

Here are my three:

  • My son – Born on my birthday, he is the best gift I have ever received. As soon as I saw him coming out of Lari’s womb, I was in love (no need for any question). Love, magic, adventure, anxiety, worry, and all the wonders fatherhood brings I welcome and continue to enjoy in the endless adventure that is parenthood.
  • The people in my life – I am grateful for the special people in my life. I am grateful for a good network of friends. I am grateful for good colleagues. I am grateful for good neighbors. I am grateful for people that I rarely know but make a visit to the gym, the supermarket or other places I frequent, a joy.
  • My health – , I am grateful for my general good health. I am grateful to have the ability to do what I like – yoga, run, exercise, hike, etc. I am grateful that I don’t suffer from any underlining conditions.

Your turn.

December 7, 2021
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#103 Coffee with John: A Reckoning

Three years into the project with 40, plus coffee meet-ups to reach my goal. The journey leading here has not always been smooth: lack of energy to move forward, questioning my drive and desire to continue.

Why am I doing this project still? With passing of time and grief taking a different hue, what drives the project? Is the project changing from its original iteration? What is the driving force behind my motivation now? Are there any other takeaways I can gauge without repeating myself?

Meeting number 103 helped me address some of those queries. My coffee mate shared part of his story and talked to me about his personal and creative outlets – powerlifting, photography, film, vlogs.

The challenge of pursuing a passion, personal endeavor/goal, fitness goals came up in the conversation. Recently, I saw a friend post on their social media a meme about choosing your hard. That echo with the sentiments we had discussed. All can be hard, depending on how you look at that one thing that keeps eluding you – losing weight, seeking relationships, overcoming personal challenges, pursuing artistic goals. Each pursuit can be a challenge for different reasons: time, money constraints, professional hurdles, limiting believes.

How we overcome those challenges, and how much sweat and energy we pour into them become part of the equation of how we choose to live our lives. Part of my path since my wife’s passing has been creating connections and pursuing different personal artistic ventures. Coffee with John is part of that journey.

My coffee meet-up reminded me how much I enjoy engaging with people, hearing their stories, and learning and being inspired by the conversations. The original drive that inspired me to start this project is evolving. I am not the same person from three years ago. What iteration will this project have when I end is to be determined.

For now, I will continue to enjoy the journey.

What is your journey? How do you choose to live your life? What pursuits challenge you?

If you are interested in hearing others wrestle with those questions or even being part of the conversation, I encourage you to listen to my coffee mate’s podcasts Create Inspire Explore on Spotify or tune into his YouTube channel.

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Intermission – Question

While I work on my last write up for CWJ#91, here I share a video for your entertainment.

Hope you join me in moving or at least sharing with me what gives you energy aside from a good cup of coffee

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#81 Coffee with John

As I have opened this project to meet people outside of my network, the question of motivation and intention keeps coming up for me.

What are the intentions and motivations of the people I meet? Are my own intentions and motivations clear to the people I meet?

Those are questions that have become even more pronounced as I meet people through Bumble Bizz, and as a result of Coffee with John profile on the Ballantyne Magazine .

Bumble Bizz is full of consultants, real estate agents, financial advisors, “influencers,” and folks looking to sell, acquire investors, or build their careers somehow, not to mention the men and women looking for something beyond a business connection. The intentions and/or motivations of the strangers reaching out to me directly because of the article are not as obvious.

Perhaps they, like me, just want to make a connection. I don’t know. By nature, I am skeptical, and — as a person who grew up in NYC — my guard is up most of the time. So I know I am asking a lot with the premise of this project. Yet, even for myself, I can’t help my nature and go back to the questions of intentions and motivations.

I can’t say I have had anyone tried to sell, convince, or rope me into anything. Nor have I had any negative experiences with people trying to cross any boundaries. What I have experienced is a desire to share with me a particular narrative to influence what I might end up writing as my takeaway.  That might be driven by the human desire to share, influence, or perhaps a public misgiving/misconception of what Coffee with John is all about.

I never know what I will end up writing. Nor do I know what will influence my takeaway. It might be the conversation or it could be the vibe of the meeting. Coffee with John #81 reaffirmed for me my intentions and motivations.

My intention is connecting, sharing a moment, and, if it leads to, cultivating friendships and welcoming new people into my social circle. The motivation comes from a place of healing, grieving and dealing with the cards life has given me.

From the start, people have asked me if I mix dating with this project. The short answer is no. That has been clear for me from the start, wanting to keep those set of boundaries and worlds separate.

This does not mean I haven’t had Coffee with John meet-ups with people I have or are currently dating. But, those connections came independently of this project. Ultimately, I want CWJ to be a safe space for me and the people I meet.

The takeaway for Coffee with John #81 is that I will continue to trust my intuition as I meet new people without worrying about their motives or intentions. In the end, I trust.