dealing with life
Inspired by the conversation, what follows is what
CWJ #74 brought about:
Disrupt
create
construct
canalize
deconstruct
alchemize
mistrust
Intellectualize
Who are you?
How do you see the world?
How does the world see you?
Erupt
rationale applies
Entrust
self-analyze
Defunct
crystallize
exult
Man arrives
Perceptions come - discover new ones
Conclusions go - question the directions
World views erupt - keep grounded
#9
#4
So much I can say about this dear friend. We have known each other for almost two decades or more. Our friendship is uncomplicated. I hold her friendship dear to my heart. I am grateful to have her as a light in this journey of life.
We have shared many conversations and secrets. Our coffee together this time around did not shatter any new grounds or reveal anything new — two old friends talking with each other amidst a world gone topsy-turvy.
What made the occasion ultra special is the time we set up to talk. As a mother, wife, full-time architect, and the many other hands she wears, for her taking the time to talk with me represented an ordeal. Habits, routines, day-to-day activities, had to be disrupted.
The takeaway: what habits/routines are you willing to break to dedicate to something you want to do but it’s not part of your regular day-to-day?
We get in this hamster wheel, ignoring friendships, the desire to workout, the goals of pursuing that one thing that you have meaning to do but never seem to have the time for.
We become engrossed in our habits and roles -working, parenting, exercising, practicing YXZ, or just doing our thing – that we ignore or stop pursuing other interests because we feel we must do what we are already doing.
But, must we really do what we do all the time? All of those habits/routines will be waiting for us. Stop. Take stock, break the routine, do something out of the ordinary. That could be waking up an hour earlier to spend an hour chatting with an old friend.
“Do you find a difference between virtual and face-to-face coffees,” I was recently asked.
I have incorporated virtual coffees from the beginning of CWJ. Based on those experiences, my original answer to this question was that I didn’t know if virtual meetings would offer the intimacy that in-person meetings provide as virtual meetings can more easily shield you behind the comfort of your home and the technology.
Coffee with John #70 proved me wrong. The meeting was the first meeting with a stranger I met through the Bumble Bizz networking App. We had only exchanged texts through the app before our CWJ.
What helped break the shield was a question she asked, taking me to an unexpected vulnerable spot. Honestly, I don’t recall the questions. All I remember was us having a typical, pleasant exchange you would have with a stranger anywhere.
Then, as we were wrapping up, she asked the question that changed the tone and created a deeper connection. I don’t know if it was because my wife’s anniversary was five days away or what but I had to control my emotions. I had not found myself in that spot in a long time.
My vulnerability provided the avenue for her to open up and share her journey caring for a spouse with an autoimmune disease, especially the challenges associate with that in a time of a worldwide pandemic. We both choked up and shared a moment of vulnerability, lasting perhaps seconds before we composed ourselves again. But that moment, and those like that, are the ones that show us our humanity.
My takeaway: you need to be willing to be vulnerable to let others in and to connect with others. We can pretend to put up shields to protect us from past hurts and experiences but to what price? Be vulnerable and be willing to take risks.
Coffee with John #61, just before all hit the fan.
My last Coffee with John meeting seems like ages ago. This was before the pandemic shelter in place ordinance I know, right? Ages ago!
Still, the takeaway seems more relevant than ever. The soulful person I met up with talked about locking herself and getting in touch with creativity.
Not sure how she has followed through but creativity has recently been a place I go to when facing personal challenges. Improv classes, drawing, acting, attempting to play the uke, taking pictures, writing, and just doing projects around the house have worked for me during this last year or so as a safe place to deal with my emotions.
In the last few weeks, I have seen creativity flourishing in all areas. People are getting creative in communicating with friends, loved ones, and colleagues. I have seen families come together to play different games. I have seen people decorate their sidewalks with chalk drawings. I have seen videos of people doing all kinds of creative activities – dancing, singing from balconies, cheering healthcare workers from across buildings, etc. Creativity flourishing during critical times is nothing new. Shakespeare wrote the narrative poems “Venus and Adonis,” and “The Rape of Lucrece” during the 1592-94 plague. I am sure we can look at history and the samples abound.
We all deal with challenges differently and no one way is the right way. But I say embrace creativity in your life. It might not mean creating a masterpiece or even delving into artistic endeavors. Creativity comes in many shapes and forms. It’s up to you to find your medium.
Be safe and hope we can meet up sometime soon for coffee.
“It was my pleasure my righteous brotha (fist bump emoji)!”
That text basically sums up CWJ #59. Indeed, it was a pleasure. Conversation was light and fun. The subject(s) of the meeting is irrelevant. The takeaway, however: keeping and honoring your word.
It matters when you commit to something and follow through. I had mentioned my Coffee project to this individual and they had agreed to meet up. I honestly did not expect it to happen, especially since we are not close and months had passed before we actually caught up again. So it surprised me when they brought it up again after we had interacted a few other times without me ever mentioning it again.
“We had talked about it so..” that was part of his response when I thanked him for meeting me up. I appreciate him keeping and honoring a commitment he had made months ago.
I get that sometimes we have the best of intentions and life happens, preventing us from keeping promises or commitments we sometimes make on the fly. Also, I understand that we at times agree to things just to be polite, not wanting to hurt people’s feelings.
I am guilty of both. Guilty as sin.
Still, I try to honor my word and follow through when I make a commitment. If I tell you something and, if I don’t forget or circumstances don’t prevent me from it, I will follow through.
As for agreeing to things out of politeness, well, I am still working on that. Lately, I just rather stay silent without agreeing or disagreeing to anything. In those cases, I try to nod my head and smile.
But don’t worry if you have agreed to meet me for CWJ and have not done so. I don’t take it personally. I am not going to hold it against you. I am still going to like and treat you like before. I understand that there are thousands of reasons why. Also, if we are meant to meet up, we are meant to meet; I am not going to force anything.
All I am saying is that there is currency in keeping your word in your day-to-day life. Foremost, keep your word to yourself. If you made a promise/commitment to yourself., you owe it to yourself to honor it.
Seems like a long time since my last post.
A major reason why that is that I haven’t been as active in reaching out to people. I want the meetings to be as organic and grounded as possible. I don’t want Coffee with John (CWJ) to be solely about me or about accruing meetups just for the sake of reaching a specific number of meetings.
If it takes me two or three years to reach that magic number, let it. If I never do, that’s fine as well.
Now, back to the takeaway from Coffee with John #57:
Sometimes, if not most, there will be no satisfactory answers to why things happen or why things are done to us. Life happens and we will feel that we have been wronged by others, many times over.
We can justify those events, circumstances, and reasons, but those answers might never truly quell what we seek.
What answers can we have for someone of a violent crime?
What can we tell a young child why his father or mother abandoned them?
What can we tell a man or a woman why their partners of XX years/months suddenly left or cheated on them?
What can you tell me why a relatively, young healthy person of no vices died of illness, suffering and in excruciating pain?
We can always find answer that fit the circumstances by saying, “things happen for a reason,” “that person is just incapable of loving you,” “it’s not your fault, it’s theirs,” “you were just a victim of circumstances,” or that “it’s all God’s plan.”
Perhaps, in those rare occasions, we will have the chance to confront and ask those we feel that have wronged us for answers, finding some solace in their response.
Not to invalidate any source that provides at least some sort of justification or reason to the whys, but I would argue that the answers need to come from within by making peace and truly letting go of those events that have scarred us.
The danger in not doing so is getting lost and being marked by those events, leading to unhealthy choices and behaviors that will only deepen our wounds and probably drag us down and others in the process.
I am not saying letting go is easy. I will be the first to tell you that I have been stuck many times over and over. And, unfortunately, I don’t have an answer on how do go about the process of letting go. I know what works for me – exercising, meditating, connecting with others, practicing forgiveness/kindness, seeking self-development and outlets of creativity, etc – but I am not going to tell you to follow my path.
We all have our journeys. Sometimes, we need outside forces in the form of therapy or medical intervention to help along the way. Hopefully, we can all carve out our own paths, leading to healing our hearts, spirits and minds.
All I can tell you is that I am a fellow traveler, falling and stumbling on the way.
I don’t know if I have a clear takeaway. What I left with was the thought of the stories we leave behind and the stories that precede us – those of our ancestors including our parents and next of kin.
How do those stories shape and define us? Do they inform us? Do the weight on us? Do those stories have any bearing on our lives and future? Do they matter in the end?
As someone that likes stories, I have always been curious about the stories of my relatives and those that came before me.
But what about mine? What is my story?
“…jmm was born in a small town in Colombia..life circumstances brought him to the United States where he lived in New York for XX years…Went to XX college..worked at XX place for XX years. He was married for XX years and had an only child. Not long after turning 45, his wife passed, leaving him a widower. After that, he continued to live in Charlotte NC for XX years until he blah, blah, blah. And that, children, is the story of your great grant-uncle/grandfather/great-grandfather/….”
That’s certainly part of my tale but do I even care if it’s passed down to future generations? Do you think of the story or legacy you will leave behind for the next bloodline?
All I can say is that what matters to me is having a positive imprint in the people around me – my kid, family, friends, colleagues, community and those I come in contact with, even for short periods.
In the end, whatever the story people will tell about me in the future (or even now) is filtered through their own lenses. So, all I can do is live life and write my story as life happens. I leave others to interpret and create their own narrative of it.
I guess the takeaway is that stories of our past, along with us, will fade. What matters is the now and how we chose to live our lives at this moment for ourselves and for those in our lives.
This was my first coffee back in Charlotte since Vegas.
Many takeaways from this last meeting but what came through and resonates in my mind still is the importance of self-care.
We can’t sacrifice our physical or mental well-being to meet other people’s expectations, desires, needs.
Sure, there will be special circumstances when we have to put ourselves last to care for those that depend on us for their own well-being but, for the majority of the time, there are no excuses.
You can’t take care of others or take on projects if you don’t take care of yourself first. Not sure if this is an actual Buddha saying or not but the sentiment applies, “Remember to take care of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
Self-care can mean many things: resting, exercising, eating well, seeking counseling, or just taking time for yourself away from others. For me, this week it has been about getting that physical done after postponing it for almost two years now –the next step will be making appointments with the optometrist.
Give yourself some love and take care of yourself! Listen to your body and do what you have to do.
PS: The conversation just flowed during the meeting and I forgot to take my regular picture to record the moment. So here is a picture from Vegas. Because, why not?
Where to begin? This was definitely a special encounter. So many takeaways.
But I guess the one that predominates is be adventurous, take risks.
If my previous post was about learning to say no, this one is about the complete opposite.
We need to let go and learn to say yes to new adventures in our lives. Excuses abound: I am too old; the place it’s too far; I have never been; what if they don’t like me; what will people say, and what about this and that.
At times in our lives, we need to put those concerns aside and just go with the flow. I am not saying to be careless or reckless but sometimes you just need to go for things in life without much thought, if that makes sense.
You never know where those new adventures will lead. You might end up rolling around in an open field, laughing, feeling the grass and ground underneath your body, and sharing a magical, wonderful moment on a sunny, Sunday afternoon — an afternoon and a moment in time that will fill your spirit and body with joy.
That moment of bliss might not last, but it will be etched in your soul, heart, and skin, informing and contributing to your vase of happiness.
So, go out there and be adventurous. That can mean anything, take a new route to work/home, listen to new music, talk to a stranger….the possibilities are endless.
If you do end up undertaking a new adventure in your life, let me know. I would love to hear all about it.
Coffee with John #47
Takeaway: Today is the youngest you will ever be. We can look back at all of the wonderful Throwback Thursday pictures and feel nostalgic about how young we looked or we can look in the mirror today and appreciate the years we have today.
This moment in time in your life is for the taking. The past is long gone and whatever you didn’t do back then, hate to tell you, that boat sailed away long ago. There are things you will never get back or get to pursue. Does this mean you don’t get second chances or that it is too late for this or that? No.
Today is your day to amend those relationships you always wanted to fix, take that class you always wanted to pursue, go on that trip you always dreamed of, call that friend you have been meaning to reach for the longest…today is a gift for you.
Take care of what’s in front of your – job, relationships, etc – but don’t forget you in the process.
PS- I thought I had a picture of the meeting up but I guess not. Just enjoy this one instead. Today is your day. Make it wonderful.
Coffee With John 