Tag: takeaways

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#70 Coffee with John – Virtual Edition

“Do you find a difference between virtual and face-to-face coffees,” I was recently asked. 

I have incorporated virtual coffees from the beginning of CWJ. Based on those experiences, my original answer to this question was that I didn’t know if virtual meetings would offer the intimacy that in-person meetings provide as virtual meetings can more easily shield you behind the comfort of your home and the technology.

Coffee with John #70 proved me wrong. The meeting was the first meeting with a stranger I met through the Bumble Bizz networking App. We had only exchanged texts through the app before our CWJ. 

What helped break the shield was a question she asked, taking me to an unexpected vulnerable spot. Honestly, I don’t recall the questions. All I remember was us having a typical, pleasant exchange you would have with a stranger anywhere.

Then, as we were wrapping up, she asked the question that changed the tone and created a deeper connection. I don’t know if it was because my wife’s anniversary was five days away or what but I had to control my emotions. I had not found myself in that spot in a long time.

My vulnerability provided the avenue for her to open up and share her journey caring for a spouse with an autoimmune disease, especially the challenges associate with that in a time of a worldwide pandemic. We both choked up and shared a moment of vulnerability, lasting perhaps seconds before we composed ourselves again. But that moment, and those like that, are the ones that show us our humanity.

My takeaway: you need to be willing to be vulnerable to let others in and to connect with others. We can pretend to put up shields to protect us from past hurts and experiences but to what price? Be vulnerable and be willing to take risks.  

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#69 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

Fun, unpredictable, and filled with jumps from topic to topic. That describes Coffee with John #69

My coffee mate for this venturous journey: a friend I met at Vassar in 1994 when we were both a part of the school’s Exploring Transfer Program – a summer program in partnership with various New York community colleges to encourage students at junior colleges to consider transferring to four-year institutions, exposing students through an intensive 5-week program of courses with all expenses paid.

We both ended up as transfer students at Vassar, sharing a few history classes together and the experience of attending a four-year school. Not the best of friends but we were friendly and always had an amicable relationship. I had not spoken to this old pal from those long-gone days in years. I can’t even remember the last time we saw each other in real life.

The takeaway after an hour talk with this friend: it’s fun to reconnect with people from your past. We might see each other through social media but it’s not the same to take the time to have a conversation, even if over a video app. Go ahead and reconnect with people from your past. See what transpires.

To that point, not my takeaway but a question my friend brought up: why do we keep being friends with certain people on Facebook? That’s something to ponder and something my friend will be exploring soon as a personal project. Just like you, I too want to hear more about his project. Until we all learn what he is planning, consider that question and maybe start deleting people on your FB.

I thought this picture of me drinking coffee back in 1995 with my coffee mate in the background (pictured right) before we enrolled at Vassar was a perfect fit for this occasion:

Me with my coffee mate in the background (pictured right).

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#68 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

I have ventured out to increase my reach by posting about CWJ on different neighborhood FB Groups around my area.

The response has been positive with some folks reaching out, resulting in me having my first virtual coffee with a person completely outside my close network — I have had met with folks I didn’t know but they have been a direct association to Lari’s circle of friends.

The takeaway from Coffee with John #68: we never know what types of treasures we will find once we venture out.

My coffee mate, Elizabeth From Carolina, aside from kindly sharing her story, told me about an Ancient Spanish coin she found on the shores of North Carolina in a remote beach she and her family have been visiting for years. The story of her find is in it  self a treasure that she can pass to family, along with the coin itself.

Connecting with a stranger and sharing a conversation for me was the treasure I found in my venturing to broaden my reach. Wander about and find hidden treasures.

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#67 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

Took a hiatus for a variety of reasons. Mostly, my focus has been elsewhere. But here I am back with newfound energy to continue with CWJ.

Coffee with John #67 took on a special meaning. My coffee mate for this round is someone dear to me.

As a child of 10 or so, for various life circumstances, I ended up living with my older sister and her husband. They were in their mid or late 20s, respectively, when they took me and my other sister in. We ended up living with them for almost two years before coming to the United States to finally be reunited with my mother.

Around my teenage years, my brother-in-law came back to my life once again when life found him moving to the United States in pursuit of the “American Dream.” At that time, my sister, his wife, was still back in Colombia. Before they eventually reunited in the United States, my brother-in-law, ended up as my roommate in a New York City apartment for a brief period.

On both occasions – when as a kid and then back in my teenage years -, I shared many adventures with him. In many respects, he was a bother and a father figure during my formative years. Among the many adventures, he taught me how to play chess and cook certain meals, took me on unforgettable traveling adventures, introduced me to Nueva Trova, and indulged and tolerated my high-school friends, joining us to play cards on the weekends.

As he and my sister eventually returned to Colombia over 20 years ago after living in the United States for a few years, we have grown apart. Still, the bond and the many memories we shared hold us together with love, care, compassion, and kindness. We are glued together by love, family ties, and journeys shared.

I honestly had not thought of asking him to meet up for a CWJ for no reason other than I just didn’t think of it. So I was honored when he asked me if I would include him in this project.

Took me a while but we finally had our virtual meeting a few weeks back. My takeaway from our eventual meeting: time colors and filters our understanding of our world.

Nothing to do with age or wisdom but our perception/comprehension/understanding of people, an event, a text, or what have you, all depend on where we are in life. We might see the same event or person in a completely different light today as we did a few years back.
We evolve and so do our perceptions.

We might not understand something today but in a few years, we might gain a new perspective on it. The rub is that we might still not understand that thing but, at least, we might have a new insight and comprehension, informed by self-awareness, and the many steps taken in our life journey.

What that means is that perhaps we can give people, skills, or things that have alluded us before, a second, third, or fourth try throughout our lives.

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#65 Coffee with John

My older sister and I have been sharing coffee for years but two weeks ago or so we sat down for an official Coffee with John meeting, making it Coffee with John #65.
The takeaway: some conversations and connections will be ongoing. They will carry over and will always pick up where you left off.


I am fortunate enough to have a strong connection with all my siblings. As with any relationship, we have different bonds.
With my older sister, she has been there for me at different, critical moments of my life.
I remember when my father died it was my sister who first embraced and hugged me amidst the chaos and confusion.

The memories come in flashes, like in a dream: I am standing outside in front of the door of my house where a neighborhood kid meets me with the words, “your dad is dead.”
I enter and walk aimlessly in the long-hallway of the house observing all that is happening around -people talking, crying, rushing in and out. In one of the rooms, I see my other sister inconsolably crying. I pass the room and keep going.

I continue down the hall where people look at me, pat me on the head, ask me if I need something to eat. I continue and come across the room where my dad is covered in a white sheet.

I am no longer looking inside the room. I continue walking among the sea of people almost undetectable, unseen. Among the confusion, I see her, my older sister who has recently arrived from out of town where she lives. I rush towards her and she embraces me, making it all so real yet all secure.

Since then, that has been my older sister. That figurehead that makes all feel real, yet secured. She was there for me when Lari died. She is here, stuck in Charlotte away from her family in Colombia, once again making all real, yet secure.

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#64 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

The other day I had the pleasure of having coffee with two incredible women whom I respect and adore deeply.

They are fierce, accomplished, smart, beautiful, tenacious, loving, and magnificent people. I have been fortunate to learn from them and share a friendship with them over the years. The friendship and dynamics are different with each one. Still, over the years, I have come to cultivate genuine connections with each.

My takeaway: how fortunate I have been to have amazing people in my life. We all do!

But it takes work to cultivate and maintain relationships, especially as we all move and experience life transitions. It is easy to let friendships slide or fall to the cracks. We can all get caught up in our own stories, neglecting to seed and fertilize our garden of friendships. When it comes to these two dear friends, I know there have been gaps when we were not in touch, sometimes for months or years. That happens. Fortunately, some bonds never fade away.

Appreciate the special people in your life. You are lucky to have them and they are lucky to have you. Cultivate and strengthen those links to build even deeper connections.

Some relationships are worth the investment. Sometimes is not a give or take approach. All relationships have different dynamics and require more work than others. Of course, it takes two to tango. You need to know when to walk away or provide the space when the other party is not reciprocating. All in all, appreciate those that bring light and love to your life.

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#63 Coffee with John – Virtual Edition

“How do we set a meeting with you?” was the message I found on my Messenger.

I can’t say that I know the sender well, or at all. They were friends with my wife. I remember seeing them once or twice before but no real interaction beyond pleasantries.

I replied to the message and within a few days, we were having Coffee with John #63, virtual edition. The beauty – and the takeaway – is that I came into the situation empty, no judgments, no expectations, no attachments to any outcomes. I opened myself to the experience, fully.

We had a great conversation lasting more than an hour. I learned about this person’s family, experiences, beliefs, aspirations. We shared a moment, a moment that might not have an overall significance in our lives but it was a moment of two strangers coming together connecting in a world that seems disconnected, disjointed, and alienated. The experience enriched me as a person, adding to my morning routine and expanding my knowledge and network.

Be open to possibilities. Come empty to situations without attachments. You never know how those experiences will change or contribute to your well-being. In the end, life is a sum of moments.

From a time long ago when people used to meet face to face for coffee
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#62 Coffee with John

“I am more than I have shown you and more than you are willing to see. Let’s work our love and know each other more fully.” Mark Nepo

My first virtual Coffee with John since the lock-down/quarantine began I shared with a friend of more than 24 years. She is my sister from another mother. My Puerto Rican sista!

This woman has had my back more times than I can count. While in college, she saved my ass countless times from starving with all of her extra meal points. My first official job after graduating I owe to her. If I had a Board Committee, she has been the Vice President, giving me advice, helping me when I have been down, and just being an incredible friend all throughout the twenty-plus years that we have known each other. Her acts of kindness have humbled me and, hopefully, made me a better friend to people.

The takeaway after our three-hour conversation is that there is not enough time in a lifespan to truly know someone. Over the course of our talk, we discovered new things about each other. Nothing deeply revealing or shocking but just new facts and quirks, adding and enriching an already rich friendship.

We don’t let people see aspects of ourselves either because the opportunity never presents itself or we refuse for reasons that we only know. Also, we limit ourselves in seeing or truly getting to know someone because of our own blinders, fears, and stories we carry. The time to change that is now.

We are experiencing an incredibly challenging and taxing time in our history with uncertainty looming at every corner. If you can and are in a position to do so, I encourage you to get to know people in your life in a whole different way. You might never get a chance like this again in a lifetime. Get a book of questions to ask, spend more time with loved ones, and/or get lost in their worlds. Let them see you and let them freely express themselves so you can see them, truly see them.

My sister from another mother
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#61 Coffee with John

Coffee with John #61, just before all hit the fan.

My last Coffee with John meeting seems like ages ago. This was before the pandemic shelter in place ordinance I know, right? Ages ago!

Still, the takeaway seems more relevant than ever. The soulful person I met up with talked about locking herself and getting in touch with creativity.

Not sure how she has followed through but creativity has recently been a place I go to when facing personal challenges. Improv classes, drawing, acting, attempting to play the uke, taking pictures, writing, and just doing projects around the house have worked for me during this last year or so as a safe place to deal with my emotions.

In the last few weeks, I have seen creativity flourishing in all areas. People are getting creative in communicating with friends, loved ones, and colleagues. I have seen families come together to play different games. I have seen people decorate their sidewalks with chalk drawings. I have seen videos of people doing all kinds of creative activities – dancing, singing from balconies, cheering healthcare workers from across buildings, etc. Creativity flourishing during critical times is nothing new. Shakespeare wrote the narrative poems “Venus and Adonis,” and “The Rape of Lucrece” during the 1592-94 plague. I am sure we can look at history and the samples abound.

We all deal with challenges differently and no one way is the right way. But I say embrace creativity in your life. It might not mean creating a masterpiece or even delving into artistic endeavors. Creativity comes in many shapes and forms. It’s up to you to find your medium.

Be safe and hope we can meet up sometime soon for coffee.

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#54 Coffee with John

(Not sure why this entry is not showing; reposting)

Takeaway:

People come into our lives through family connections, serendipity, special circumstances. We build those relationships, connect and sometimes, disconnect and, if lucky, reconnect down the road.


No matter how people come into your life or how strong your bond is with them, if they bring you joy, make the effort to share and spend time with them.

We get busy with life, work, other relationships, or whatever else. Life will always throw something that might take precedence in your mind but the effort to spend time with people that warm your heart and soul will yield insurmountable wealth in your life. Who brings joy to your life and when was the last time you reached out to them?


I am grateful for having had the chance to have an awesome Coffee with John New York edition. Love you, bro. You know who you are. Hope to see you and your family soon.

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