Tag: takeway

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#113 Coffee with John

When was the last time you did something for pure joy?

Most kids do that all the time. They might have some initial trepidation, but they go for the adventure, letting themselves be carried away by the moment without care or worries. They run down the hill with open arms, laughing and being present.

As adults, we tend not to be easily swayed by that hill, holding back and overthinking: it’s too steep, and what if I fall; my shoes will get dirty; I don’t have the proper attire; I will have to come back up; and a thousand other thoughts crossing our minds before we turn our backs away from that magnificent mountain top beckoning us to take the chance.

Am I an adventurous person? Have I always been adventurous?

I don’t know if I have a check box to answer either of those questions.

I have turned my back and stepped away from a promise of an adventure many times. Fear, skepticism, mistrust, and lack of confidence have been the culprits. Yet, I feel I have taken many steps forward in following a path open to exploring and running down valleys of fun wherever they take me.

It doesn’t mean my old friend trepidation stops visiting with vows of seduction, tempting me to take the bait to rest in a cradle of comfort and safety. A case in point: a few days before my Coffee with John #113 that old acquaintance came knocking hard.

No good reason or anything to do with my coffee mate but dread was getting the best of me. I don’t know why.

Perhaps my hesitation came on the heels of pondering the question a few weeks back of why I was continuing this project (a question that each new meeting provides new steadfast grounds to forge forward).

The meeting reminded me to let go of reasons, justifications, fears. Trust and run the mountain top with open arms to all possibilities.

If I had canceled or postponed the meeting, I would have robbed myself of a joyful conversation, a good coffee, and the chance to get to know an intriguing lawyer/business owner with a penchant for history, making a difference and leaving a mark in the landscape of Charlotte.

Spread your arms wide and embrace the adventure of everyday life.

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#93 Coffee with John

Coffee with John #93

My Coffee with John (CWJ) mate for this round I met recently via an old post of a David Whyte poem that I had shared on a Facebook North Carolina Singles Group I had briefly joined and left, circa April 2020.

Somehow, as she was searching for David Whyte, she found the old post, leading her to recently contact me through my Coffee with John Facebook page. After a few exchanges, she kindly accepted my invitation to meet up as part of CWJ.

We talked about what led to our meeting and, among other things, discussed in passing David Whyte’s Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words.

In this book – a read I recommend you emerge yourself in -, Whyte takes everyday words and beautifully gives them a rebirth, expanding on their etymology and significance.

In the spirit of that book and the nature of this round of CWJ, here is my reflection/takeaway from this last coffee encounter with the word stranger as the anchor:

A Stranger

Who/what is a stranger?

A random act of generosity offered to you at a time of crisis with no reciprocity required by a person who happens to notice you at that moment when you are feeling alone with the void of familiar faces around  

A person exchanging a smile with you as they pass you, never to see them again

A passerby generously stopping to give you kind and helpful words as you seek their guidance to help you find your destination

A begrudged individual throwing insults your way because somehow your looks or way of being has offended their sensitivities.

A friend/lover/old neighbor no longer part of your lifeā€¦  

I have met a lot of strangers as part of  CWJ. Some have moved into the friendship category – until they become strangers again shall our season of friendship end.

Smiles, acts of kindness, helpful words, and ephemeral moments to cherish have all been exchanged during my coffee encounters, a journey I cherish and continue to cultivate and nurture.

 

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#87 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

One of the many aspects of this project for me has been about being open – open to vulnerability; open to meeting strangers and being present; open to honor and truly listen to people; open to folks judging my intentions; open to putting myself into a public sphere; open to people interjecting their motivations onto the experience; open to checking and leaving my own prejudices aside; open to expressing my emotions and being honest with those emotions..

I have put myself into this position with no regrets. I continue to be challenged, surprised, and inspired by the journey. My world has flourished with new connections, knowledge, and experiences.

CWJ#87 is no exception, adding and enriching to my overarching journey thus far. My coffee mate for this edition – a personable, young man of 22 or so from Canada – is driven by a mission of determination, achievement, and personal growth.

He is finding and carving out his path on his terms by connecting with others, seeking knowledge, and being open. This young man changed his career path mid-point, veering into a whole different direction from where he was originally going to pursue new dreams and chase the life he sees for himself. Brave and foolish some would say, right?

But I challenge you to being brave and, yes, foolish, if you will. Be open to the experience of challenging your perceptions, paths in life. Be open to learning from people outside your circle. Be open to different possibilities, paradigms, et al.

Be open!

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#86 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

Correction! Correction!

Moments in life. They come and go.

Some moments you forget not because they were insignificant or didn’t impact your life. On the contrary, some passing moments carry you forward, helping you forget circumstances that are bogging you down. Those particular moments you might forget temporarily without realizing how much they have lifted you when you most needed it.

Coffee with John #86 was such a moment. Both my coffee mate for this edition and I had attempted to schedule a face-to-face meet up up for over two years. When I first started this journey, my friend had expressed an interest in meeting up but because of a series of reasons, we could not make a face-to-face happen. Now, with the pandemic, we settled for a virtual meeting.

I had a lot of things going on that day – work deadlines to meet and my dog’s pending euthanasia, scheduled for the next morning. Given that we had rescheduled a few times in the past, I didn’t want to postpone yet again. I am glad we kept the meeting.

I don’t recall when was the last time I had chatted with this friend, whom I came to know through my wife’s network of friends. I knew aspects of her life but not well. CWJ #86 allowed me the opportunity to learn more about her life and that of her family. I enjoyed learning how life led her to move to the United States, first moving to NYC where she met her husband. Their journey together led them to move to Charlotte where they lived for 10+ years, and now they are back in NY where their American journey began.

Through laughter and connection, my conversation with her carried me at an emotionally challenging time. It gave me pause and respite from all that was happening that week. Yet, I had completely forgotten about our meet-up.

After the conversation, I jumped back to that week’s reality, a week of successfully meeting deadlines yet filled with heartbreak as I mourned my dog. The conversation didn’t register until I had already published my previous CWJ write-up, realizing afterward that this conversation had proceeded that one, making this CWJ #86 not #87.

The takeaway? That I have a horrible memory. Kidding! When we are drowning in our reality, take pause and look for the moments that can carry us forth, from having a conversation with an old friend to taking a walk or going for a run. Look for those moments even if you forget them afterward.

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#81 Coffee with John

As I have opened this project to meet people outside of my network, the question of motivation and intention keeps coming up for me.

What are the intentions and motivations of the people I meet? Are my own intentions and motivations clear to the people I meet?

Those are questions that have become even more pronounced as I meet people through Bumble Bizz, and as a result of Coffee with John profile on the Ballantyne Magazine .

Bumble Bizz is full of consultants, real estate agents, financial advisors, “influencers,” and folks looking to sell, acquire investors, or build their careers somehow, not to mention the men and women looking for something beyond a business connection. The intentions and/or motivations of the strangers reaching out to me directly because of the article are not as obvious.

Perhaps they, like me, just want to make a connection. I don’t know. By nature, I am skeptical, and — as a person who grew up in NYC — my guard is up most of the time. So I know I am asking a lot with the premise of this project. Yet, even for myself, I can’t help my nature and go back to the questions of intentions and motivations.

I can’t say I have had anyone tried to sell, convince, or rope me into anything. Nor have I had any negative experiences with people trying to cross any boundaries. What I have experienced is a desire to share with me a particular narrative to influence what I might end up writing as my takeaway.  That might be driven by the human desire to share, influence, or perhaps a public misgiving/misconception of what Coffee with John is all about.

I never know what I will end up writing. Nor do I know what will influence my takeaway. It might be the conversation or it could be the vibe of the meeting. Coffee with John #81 reaffirmed for me my intentions and motivations.

My intention is connecting, sharing a moment, and, if it leads to, cultivating friendships and welcoming new people into my social circle. The motivation comes from a place of healing, grieving and dealing with the cards life has given me.

From the start, people have asked me if I mix dating with this project. The short answer is no. That has been clear for me from the start, wanting to keep those set of boundaries and worlds separate.

This does not mean I haven’t had Coffee with John meet-ups with people I have or are currently dating. But, those connections came independently of this project. Ultimately, I want CWJ to be a safe space for me and the people I meet.

The takeaway for Coffee with John #81 is that I will continue to trust my intuition as I meet new people without worrying about their motives or intentions. In the end, I trust.

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#71 Coffee with John

Building on my momentum, Coffee with John # 71 represented my third time meeting with a complete stranger. This time I met them through a private neighborhood FB group. 

I had posted about my CWJ project and asked if anyone wanted to meet up. Two brave souls who were willing to participate reached out. The first, I met virtually. The second brave soul I met face-to-face at a local cafe with us being the only patrons sitting down.Ā  Ā 

We shared a lovely conversation about life and part of our history. It was an uplifting discussion, leaving me light and energized. Ā 

In discussing the experience the next day with a friend, the question that came up was what prompts or drives strangers to meet up with me. I am not offering to buy, sell, date, or anything. And, in most cases, people buy their own coffee. All I am offering is the chance to meet and have a conversation. 

With that question in mind, I reached out to coffee mate #71 and asked her what had motivated her to meet me. 

Her answer inspired my takeaway: we need to challenge ourselves and explore life out of the bubble we surround ourselves with.Ā 

What have you done today that challenges and takes you out of your comfort zone? It can be as simple as talking to a stranger. 

PS: I don’t have a picture from the meeting but I do have this picture from that day.

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#69 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

Fun, unpredictable, and filled with jumps from topic to topic. That describes Coffee with John #69

My coffee mate for this venturous journey: a friend I met at Vassar in 1994 when we were both a part of the school’s Exploring Transfer Program – a summer program in partnership with various New York community colleges to encourage students at junior colleges to consider transferring to four-year institutions, exposing students through an intensive 5-week program of courses with all expenses paid.

We both ended up as transfer students at Vassar, sharing a few history classes together and the experience of attending a four-year school. Not the best of friends but we were friendly and always had an amicable relationship. I had not spoken to this old pal from those long-gone days in years. I can’t even remember the last time we saw each other in real life.

The takeaway after an hour talk with this friend: it’s fun to reconnect with people from your past. We might see each other through social media but it’s not the same to take the time to have a conversation, even if over a video app. Go ahead and reconnect with people from your past. See what transpires.

To that point, not my takeaway but a question my friend brought up: why do we keep being friends with certain people on Facebook? That’s something to ponder and something my friend will be exploring soon as a personal project. Just like you, I too want to hear more about his project. Until we all learn what he is planning, consider that question and maybe start deleting people on your FB.

I thought this picture of me drinking coffee back in 1995 with my coffee mate in the background (pictured right) before we enrolled at Vassar was a perfect fit for this occasion:

Me with my coffee mate in the background (pictured right).

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#64 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

The other day I had the pleasure of having coffee with two incredible women whom I respect and adore deeply.

They are fierce, accomplished, smart, beautiful, tenacious, loving, and magnificent people. I have been fortunate to learn from them and share a friendship with them over the years. The friendship and dynamics are different with each one. Still, over the years, I have come to cultivate genuine connections with each.

My takeaway: how fortunate I have been to have amazing people in my life. We all do!

But it takes work to cultivate and maintain relationships, especially as we all move and experience life transitions. It is easy to let friendships slide or fall to the cracks. We can all get caught up in our own stories, neglecting to seed and fertilize our garden of friendships. When it comes to these two dear friends, I know there have been gaps when we were not in touch, sometimes for months or years. That happens. Fortunately, some bonds never fade away.

Appreciate the special people in your life. You are lucky to have them and they are lucky to have you. Cultivate and strengthen those links to build even deeper connections.

Some relationships are worth the investment. Sometimes is not a give or take approach. All relationships have different dynamics and require more work than others. Of course, it takes two to tango. You need to know when to walk away or provide the space when the other party is not reciprocating. All in all, appreciate those that bring light and love to your life.

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#63 Coffee with John – Virtual Edition

“How do we set a meeting with you?” was the message I found on my Messenger.

I can’t say that I know the sender well, or at all. They were friends with my wife. I remember seeing them once or twice before but no real interaction beyond pleasantries.

I replied to the message and within a few days, we were having Coffee with John #63, virtual edition. The beauty – and the takeaway – is that I came into the situation empty, no judgments, no expectations, no attachments to any outcomes. I opened myself to the experience, fully.

We had a great conversation lasting more than an hour. I learned about this person’s family, experiences, beliefs, aspirations. We shared a moment, a moment that might not have an overall significance in our lives but it was a moment of two strangers coming together connecting in a world that seems disconnected, disjointed, and alienated. The experience enriched me as a person, adding to my morning routine and expanding my knowledge and network.

Be open to possibilities. Come empty to situations without attachments. You never know how those experiences will change or contribute to your well-being. In the end, life is a sum of moments.

From a time long ago when people used to meet face to face for coffee
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#52 Coffee with John

Coffee with John #52 was a perfect combination of a Sunday breakfast at a Colombian restaurant, which I had been craving for ages, and coffee afterward at AmĆ©lie’s.

The food was great at the restaurant, the coffee not so much. (You would think, Colombian place=good coffee, but there you have it.)


What was great all throughout was the conversation. I have to say that I truly have enjoyed each and every coffee meet-up.

Each meeting has been different, some light and others, emotionally heavy. I am always enriched by each experience. I am honored and grateful that people have taken the time to meet with me. And I am deeply honored when people open up and decide to share their personal stories with me.

So, to answer the question, yes. I will continue to meet people for Coffee with John for the next foreseeable future. I do have a magic number in mind to culminate but that’s a long way still.

My takeaway from Coffee with John #52 is that I really enjoy talking and learning about people. I like connecting and sharing.

The other takeaway, which I attribute 100% to what my partner in crime on this coffee meet up said: life doesn’t happen after you accomplish XY&Z.

We often think that our lives will somehow magically be better after we retire, move, get that degree, change jobs, meet that special person, get that promotion, or whatever we think we need to achieve to truly enjoy ourselves and our lives.

Life is happening right now. Whatever you are in the midst of, enjoy the journey. I am not saying don’t have goals. Goals are part of the life path you are taking.
Just don’t think your life will begin after you accomplish that goal. All I am saying is don’t forget yourself and others while striving to achieve those benchmarks in your life.