Facts are indisputable. Yet, we all have our versions of the past, seen through our experiences, and informed by our own biases and internal and external forces – age, race, gender, social-economic status, etc.
The cool, beautiful girl you so admired back in middle school you come to find out was riddled with insecurities and thought of herself as the ugly duckling. The bully, who went around terrorizing all, turns out was in turmoil over his sexuality.
A place you hold dear to your heart for the fond memories it conjures up can elicit opposite feelings for others. For you, it can be the place you came of age, for others: a tragic spot filled with nightmares.
We don’t always get to revisit or learn how others experienced shared histories, not that doing so would change our memories or reconcile our past. Still, glancing into the history of others can help us gain new revelations and be more understandable, forgiving, and generous to ourselves and others.
This last round of Coffee with John reminded me of the importance of stepping out of our shoes to look around and see who might benefit from us acknowledging their story and where they are standing in comparison to us. We all need to pause and truly see others beyond our lens, needs, and feelings.
My Coffee with John (CWJ) mate for this round I met recently via an old post of a David Whyte poem that I had shared on a Facebook North Carolina Singles Group I had briefly joined and left, circa April 2020.
Somehow, as she was searching for David Whyte, she found the old post, leading her to recently contact me through my Coffee with John Facebook page. After a few exchanges, she kindly accepted my invitation to meet up as part of CWJ.
We talked about what led to our meeting and, among other things, discussed in passing David Whyte’s Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words.
In this book – a read I recommend you emerge yourself in -, Whyte takes everyday words and beautifully gives them a rebirth, expanding on their etymology and significance.
In the spirit of that book and the nature of this round of CWJ, here is my reflection/takeaway from this last coffee encounter with the word stranger as the anchor:
A Stranger
Who/what is a stranger?
A random act of generosity offered to you at a time of crisis with no reciprocity required by a person who happens to notice you at that moment when you are feeling alone with the void of familiar faces around
A person exchanging a smile with you as they pass you, never to see them again
A passerby generously stopping to give you kind and helpful words as you seek their guidance to help you find your destination
A begrudged individual throwing insults your way because somehow your looks or way of being has offended their sensitivities.
A friend/lover/old neighbor no longer part of your life…
I have met a lot of strangers as part of CWJ. Some have moved into the friendship category – until they become strangers again shall our season of friendship end.
Smiles, acts of kindness, helpful words, and ephemeral moments to cherish have all been exchanged during my coffee encounters, a journey I cherish and continue to cultivate and nurture.
So much can happen in an hour – meet the love of your life, take a wrong turn in life, have an encounter that will alter the rest of your life..the possibilities are endless.
What’s in those magical 60 minutes and 3,600 seconds
How do you choose to spend an hour of your day?
Exercise? Mediate? Read a book/poetry/an essay? Write your own poetry/essay/book? Or squander it away doing this or that?
So many choices, with no rights or wrongs.
An hour is exactly how long CWJ #92 lasted.
In that hour of this last meeting, I learned part a story and journey of a talented, smart woman finding her way in the world with the ups and downs that life brings. I am always incredibly grateful for the generosity strangers give, letting me drop into their lives for a moment in time.
I recently came into the idea of living in a poem, a concept brought forth by American poet Naomi Shihab Nyei. She explains it as not a permanent state but one, “when you think, when you’re in a very quiet place, when you’re remembering, when you’re savoring an image, when you’re allowing your mind calmly to leap from one thought to another — that’s a poem. That’s what a poem does.” She goes on to talk about holding and savoring that space.
To me, that one hour (or hours) people generously give to me when they decide to take part and join me in this CWJ journey, represents that notion of living in a poem. That space of conversations, shared moments of reflections, thoughts and words exchanged, are a sacred, magical poem to hold, punctuate and cherish.
I can’t say that I have been wronged to the point where my trust has been shattered. At the same time, I am not sure how you can measure such a thing.
A few events come to mind where I can say that my trust and faith in people have been tested. But, honestly, I probably have been guilty of being on the side of the culprit. How many times we do things without truly taking into account the effect of those actions on others? Or how many other times we feel like we have no option but to do something that you know will end-up hurting others?
Some situations are clear where the betrayal and hurt cut deep, sending people over the edge to the point of depression, despair, and being blinded by rage and a desire for vengeance or retaliation.
Maybe the depth of betrayal doesn’t matter in the end. What matters is the ability to forgive the trespassers of your trust.
That ability and the rays of hope and light that accompany the power to move forward and truly forgive I found in my coffee mate for this edition. Her story is that of hers to tell. What I will say is that it took, according to her own accord, time and healing to reach that point where she could sit on that understanding, moving to a place of peace, love, and grace.
Finding that power can set us free. Is it easy? Probably, not.
Now, I believe that I don’t hold grudges, but – if ever the time comes when I am truly tested – I hope I have the power to be beckoned by forgiveness and live and breathe on that space.
Unfortunately, 89. My coffee mate was hoping to be #88 for this edition of CWJ – a number in numerology symbolizing fortune and good luck.
Her fortune as of late had taken a turn, going from independence to dependence, richness to hard economic times. Nonetheless, she was hopeful and talked of her resilience with lots of personal and professional projects under the works.
One of her projects, inspired by her grandmother, that we discussed includes collecting stories in the form of a set of four core questions from women that intrigue her. The ultimate goal for my coffee mate is to self-publish the collection with the intent of preserving the stories of those women for future generations.
She asked me to be a part of her project by answering the questions on behalf of my wife to give voice to Lari’s story. While I can’t say or know what Lari would have answered if she was still in this world, here I am taking the liberty of sharing an excerpt from one of my responses:
Can you recount an event, or time, when your perspective shifted significantly? How?
As a kid, because of health reasons and this perceived notion that I was a shy child, I was sheltered and overprotected by my family to the point where it was detrimental to my self-confidence and self-esteem. As a result, I had to overcome insecurities and false beliefs about myself and my capabilities. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I was able to free myself from that past and those limiting beliefs but a big contributing factor to reaching that shift had to do with forgiveness. I had to let go of resentment and be kind to myself as well as towards my family…
Not, 88. But, fittingly, 89 – a number that symbolizes building and creating a long-term positive effect on the society. I don’t know if my coffee mate will ever publish her project (we met through Bumble Bizz and, aside from our conversation and a few follow-up emails, we have not touched base again – as it happens in general). All I know is that in sharing and connecting with others through her effort, she is building and having a positive effect, creating a space to share stories and, in a way, preserving the stories of different women.
Before Bumble blocked me, I had managed to get in touch with a few people on the dating mode of the application interested in CWJ, meeting face-to-face with one and talking over the phone with two others. The first of those meetings was over the phone, the first time for CWJ.
The conversation took place during the early evening as my coffee mate (not sure if either of us were drinking coffee because of the hour, but still) commuted back home from work, making it more conducive and safer to talk over the phone than to hold a virtual talk.
I was not sure what to expect since before our meeting we had perhaps exchanged a few texts over the app about the project and scheduling. Also, we had never met before and all we had for reference were the profile pictures on Bumble.
Surprisingly, we ended up talking over the phone for close to two hours with the conversation ranging from the perfunctory to the more nuanced, touching on personal issues of life experiences.
One of the themes that surfaced was about giving yourself permission, the freedom, kindness, and fortitude to fail, take risks, and live the moment with abandonment. Release the shackles of our expectations and image of what life we are supposed to live. Not saying we need to be a reckless mess without consideration of others. On the contrary, we need to take heed of our own consideration.
How many times have you found yourself acting a certain way or performing a task/function based on other’s perceptions? How many times you put your own feelings aside in the name of others?
We have this image of following or leading a certain way of life because that’s what we think society or those that we love dictate or need – be the proverbial son, wife, husband, worker, or whatever we have grown to believe. How many times have you lied to yourself and not spoken up about your true feelings in fear of displeasing someone? How many times you have said no to experiences because of fear of other’s perceptions?
The takeaway is to loosen up and, to use the motto in improv., say “yes and..“
What comes to mind as an example of what I am talking about, or close to, is my recent experience going winter camping. Had I done that before? No. Did I have a ton of reservations? Yes. Did I think it was risky? Without a doubt, giving the cold and expected inclement weather.
Part of me wanted to shut down the idea altogether, an idea brought to me by my son. The other wanted to see how it would all play out. The old me would have said, “no it’s too risky for X,Y&Z reasons” and would have caved to my fears and trepidation.
Prepared as best as possible with research, an action plan, trust in the universe, and faith in my kid’s gusto, preparation, and desire, I forged ahead. Yes, we did face trials and tribulations where I was challenged only a few minutes away from the final destination with the decision to go back or continue. Oh, I wanted to head back but, at the last minute, I gave myself permission to be reckless, taking into account the calculated risk.
In retrospect, a drive and motivation in saying yes is the ultimate trust I have in the universe, knowing that things can always go awry, no matter the preparation and planning. Knowing this and holding on to my trust, each phase of the winter camping experience became a moment to savor and conquer, making it more enjoyable. The risks could have wrecked the whole trip, costing us a whole lot that we had bargained for, but, in the end, the journey and the bonding I experienced with my son, priceless.
One of the many aspects of this project for me has been about being open – open to vulnerability; open to meeting strangers and being present; open to honor and truly listen to people; open to folks judging my intentions; open to putting myself into a public sphere; open to people interjecting their motivations onto the experience; open to checking and leaving my own prejudices aside; open to expressing my emotions and being honest with those emotions..
I have put myself into this position with no regrets. I continue to be challenged, surprised, and inspired by the journey. My world has flourished with new connections, knowledge, and experiences.
CWJ#87 is no exception, adding and enriching to my overarching journey thus far. My coffee mate for this edition – a personable, young man of 22 or so from Canada – is driven by a mission of determination, achievement, and personal growth.
He is finding and carving out his path on his terms by connecting with others, seeking knowledge, and being open. This young man changed his career path mid-point, veering into a whole different direction from where he was originally going to pursue new dreams and chase the life he sees for himself. Brave and foolish some would say, right?
But I challenge you to being brave and, yes, foolish, if you will. Be open to the experience of challenging your perceptions, paths in life. Be open to learning from people outside your circle. Be open to different possibilities, paradigms, et al.
Some moments you forget not because they were insignificant or didn’t impact your life. On the contrary, some passing moments carry you forward, helping you forget circumstances that are bogging you down. Those particular moments you might forget temporarily without realizing how much they have lifted you when you most needed it.
Coffee with John #86 was such a moment. Both my coffee mate for this edition and I had attempted to schedule a face-to-face meet up up for over two years. When I first started this journey, my friend had expressed an interest in meeting up but because of a series of reasons, we could not make a face-to-face happen. Now, with the pandemic, we settled for a virtual meeting.
I had a lot of things going on that day – work deadlines to meet and my dog’s pending euthanasia, scheduled for the next morning. Given that we had rescheduled a few times in the past, I didn’t want to postpone yet again. I am glad we kept the meeting.
I don’t recall when was the last time I had chatted with this friend, whom I came to know through my wife’s network of friends. I knew aspects of her life but not well. CWJ #86 allowed me the opportunity to learn more about her life and that of her family. I enjoyed learning how life led her to move to the United States, first moving to NYC where she met her husband. Their journey together led them to move to Charlotte where they lived for 10+ years, and now they are back in NY where their American journey began.
Through laughter and connection, my conversation with her carried me at an emotionally challenging time. It gave me pause and respite from all that was happening that week. Yet, I had completely forgotten about our meet-up.
After the conversation, I jumped back to that week’s reality, a week of successfully meeting deadlines yet filled with heartbreak as I mourned my dog. The conversation didn’t register until I had already published my previous CWJ write-up, realizing afterward that this conversation had proceeded that one, making this CWJ #86 not #87.
The takeaway? That I have a horrible memory. Kidding! When we are drowning in our reality, take pause and look for the moments that can carry us forth, from having a conversation with an old friend to taking a walk or going for a run. Look for those moments even if you forget them afterward.
No nudes, bathroom selfies, or indecent requests, I promise!
With a personal disclaimer that I was not using the site for dating but for only connecting with folks for my CWJ project, Bumble blocked my account.
Apparently, people took offense that I was not dating and reported my profile. To a certain point, I get it. I am irresistible and, if you can’t have me, nobody else can’t. Kidding!
All is good. I understand the logic and I respect the rules.
Now, if we had tentatively scheduled a CWJ for after the holidays, I have no way of getting in touch with you. Truly sorry as I was looking forward to connecting. If you found this post, please send me a message and we will reschedule. It would be great to connect.
Poised, articulate, confident and nimble in her skills.
Those were my first impressions four years ago of my Coffee with John #85 mate.
We briefly met at the time at a conference for Latinx arts and individual artists. She was one of the hosting sponsors leading some of the introductions. We talked shop briefly and we exchanged perfunctory networking emails. The end.
Fast forward four/five years later, we found each other sharing a fun afternoon that involved a boat ride with a hand-picked group of invited friends brought together by a mutual friend — the extraordinary and talented Rosalia Torres Weiner.
This mutual friend- an artist, connector, community advocate – typically invites two or three people on given days to her home by the lake as a way to connect, re-energize her creativity, and share some of her passions. That day, I happened to be one of the lucky ones to be invited to share and join in the experience, along with two other guests.
But, for a brief second, let me backtrack again to the conference. It happened that the conference coincided with the week when I learned that Lari’s cancer had metastasized to her bones. I was crushed during that time. I had not shared the news with anyone at that point. I happened to run into Rosalia at the conference and I shared the news with her, ending up with me crying and her giving me a hug. That moment passed and we went along our respective day enjoying and partaking in the three-day conference.
I don’t know how any of this relates but my takeaway is as much about how life/circumstances/networks circle back as it is about curiosity.
We have to engage and be curious about discovering the many layers of a person. We meet people all the time and we immediately make assumptions and have a set impression about them.
I am glad to report that my assumptions and impressions of Coffee Mate #85 were right on the money. She is an impressive, talented woman with many layers and rich complexities.
She shared with me some of her life experiences, vulnerabilities, and tribulations, given her an even greater depth to the person I initially saw at a podium adroitly translating simultaneously Spanish into English to a crowd of 200+ attendees four/five years.
Coffee With John 