Tag: writing

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#84 Coffee with John

Coffee with John #84, serendipity at its best.

I so appreciated this meetup.  I had the opportunity to cry, get to know an awesome person, and, eventually, express myself here with these words. 

Approximately six-months had passed since I had last stepped inside the YMCA before CWJ #84. I had kept postponing going for months after my yearly membership had lapsed.

Not sure what prompted me to go but it was a spontaneous decision on a lazy, Sunday afternoon.  As I was renewing my membership, a woman behind me was scanning her card to get her workout. Took me a few minutes to recognize her behind the mask.

She is someone that worked at the Y before being furlough because of the COVID-19 pandemic. She worked closely with Lari (my wife) when Lari worked at the Y membership services. This person had been someone that I knew peripherally, always friendly and warm to each other but never quite close, in comparison to other people from the Y circle.

She, along with a whole army of other folks at the Y, did a lot for Lari, playing a key role in doing just a lot for my family during and after my wife’s battle with cancer.

I can’t remember the last time I had seen her. “I saw you in the Ballantyne Magazine. I never read it but I took the magazine on a recent trip and there I saw you and read about your project,” was one of the first things she mentioned as we met on that fortuitous Sunday afternoon.

A week or a few weeks later, on a windy, cold morning, we were sitting across each other sharing a cup of coffee. The conversation flowed with me getting to know about her, husband, son, and her experiences.

Unexpectedly, as we were wrapping up, we both ended up crying. At that moment, she shared with me her perspective and experience during Lari’s Life Celebration Event, held at the Y with about 150+ people in attendance. In addition to sharing memories and stories, the event culminated with a Zumba dance to honor my wife’s passion for dancing and her Zumba instructing days. My coffee mate shared with me how difficult it was for her to join in the dance. For her, the dancing seemed out of place. She was overcome with sadness and felt overwhelmed by the experience, opting to sit down and grief in her own way, which she was completely entitled to do without any reservations.

My takeaway, we all grieve and process loss differently. Culture, religion, personal beliefs all influence the process. There is no right or wrong way. Cry, dance, wallow, seek therapy, do what it takes to mourn, grief.

I have to be mindful of that because I tend to harden -up, not allowing for room to wallow in sorrow when confronted with loss. With Lari’s passing, I have become more sensitive, honoring both my emotions and that of others. Still, my threshold for identifying and carrying that loss into different aspects of my life in a negative way is low.

The cornerstone and drive behind this project is the antithesis of letting sorrow drown you down. I don’t want to reminisce or talk about the past or how unfair life is/was. I want to celebrate, dance, and soak life’s experiences while honoring the light that Lari brought into this world. I carry her in my heart and will always love her.

But I am going on a tangent, not the direction I had intended for this takeaway. The beauty is that that’s part of the process we call healing.

My other takeaway: trust the universe to bring you together with the people that you are mean to meet, not when you want/desire but when the universe feels appropriate. 

Photo not from CWJ#84, but taken on that day – so, it seems appropriate.
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#83 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

I dedicate this post to the memories, times, and to the chapter my dog, Speedy, played in my life. – R.I.P Speedy June 2008– November 2020

I felt good going into this virtual coffee with a stranger from Bumble Bizz. He had a kind face and a good disposition. If you asked me what the profile says or what he aims to get out of networking on Bumble Bizz, I couldn’t tell you without having to check now.

If on other occasions I had reservations “walking” into zoom or in-person meetups with a stranger, I didn’t this time. I had a good vibe about it.

The conversation went smoothly, with the hour flying by. It was a delightful hour interchanging experiences, ideas, stories. Still, for reasons of life, chances that we meet in person are probably nil.

The experience reminds me of conversations I have had in the past at airports, trains, coffee shops with strangers where you build rapport, share a moment, and are left with a desire to have kept in touch with that person or at least carried the conversation just for a while longer. Those moments come to pass, and those people and the conversations are all left behind in the wind of time with no going back or forward.

Remembering the countless occasions of such occurrences what comes to mind for this takeaway is the impermanence of life. Moments in life are but chunks. Friendships, interactions with people, relationships, and situations all come and go. Some last an hour, others a good season. Bask in the moments that bring you joy, and don’t dwell on the bad. All is transient. We are as well.

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#82 Coffee with John

Had a lovely conversation learning about a journey of a talented, smart, driven woman confronted by a series of personal and health challenges along her life. She has confronted cancer, a divorce, interpersonal relationships, among other trials and tribulations. Her life journey has led her to finding a path of purpose to help others as a life coaching while balancing a full-time and demanding job.

Did she mean to share any of those aspects of her life with me? Maybe. I don’t know. This was only the second time (third time if we count a brief interaction we had outside a YMCA months back, just at the start of the pandemic) we had ever met and, somehow, the flood opened and she begun sharing with me different aspects of her life journey.

It doesn’t always happen nor do I expect that to be the norm but I am grateful and honored when people give me the trust to be a recipient of their story.

The Takeaway: Sometimes in life we need to talk and be listened to when we least expect it. Take a break from the hamster wheel and connect with a friend, a stranger, a new acquaintance and see where the conversation takes you. Perhaps you will do the honor of listening or, to your surprise, the river of your life will come out demanding to be shared, engaging and gifting the other person with a new found knowledge and understanding of yourself.

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#81 Coffee with John

As I have opened this project to meet people outside of my network, the question of motivation and intention keeps coming up for me.

What are the intentions and motivations of the people I meet? Are my own intentions and motivations clear to the people I meet?

Those are questions that have become even more pronounced as I meet people through Bumble Bizz, and as a result of Coffee with John profile on the Ballantyne Magazine .

Bumble Bizz is full of consultants, real estate agents, financial advisors, “influencers,” and folks looking to sell, acquire investors, or build their careers somehow, not to mention the men and women looking for something beyond a business connection. The intentions and/or motivations of the strangers reaching out to me directly because of the article are not as obvious.

Perhaps they, like me, just want to make a connection. I don’t know. By nature, I am skeptical, and — as a person who grew up in NYC — my guard is up most of the time. So I know I am asking a lot with the premise of this project. Yet, even for myself, I can’t help my nature and go back to the questions of intentions and motivations.

I can’t say I have had anyone tried to sell, convince, or rope me into anything. Nor have I had any negative experiences with people trying to cross any boundaries. What I have experienced is a desire to share with me a particular narrative to influence what I might end up writing as my takeaway.  That might be driven by the human desire to share, influence, or perhaps a public misgiving/misconception of what Coffee with John is all about.

I never know what I will end up writing. Nor do I know what will influence my takeaway. It might be the conversation or it could be the vibe of the meeting. Coffee with John #81 reaffirmed for me my intentions and motivations.

My intention is connecting, sharing a moment, and, if it leads to, cultivating friendships and welcoming new people into my social circle. The motivation comes from a place of healing, grieving and dealing with the cards life has given me.

From the start, people have asked me if I mix dating with this project. The short answer is no. That has been clear for me from the start, wanting to keep those set of boundaries and worlds separate.

This does not mean I haven’t had Coffee with John meet-ups with people I have or are currently dating. But, those connections came independently of this project. Ultimately, I want CWJ to be a safe space for me and the people I meet.

The takeaway for Coffee with John #81 is that I will continue to trust my intuition as I meet new people without worrying about their motives or intentions. In the end, I trust.

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#80 Coffee with John

An introspection more than a takeaway….

A season of wind chimes. The wind making its way through them, creating music, movement, and ripple effects on each imaginary chime highlighting a season – a happy, brief, beautiful season of romantic entanglement. The impact reverberates still with residuals of the wind occasionally swishing the inner chimes of space.

People come into our lives, enhancing and redirecting our lives to new roads and journeys. Their passing through our lives, like the wind, moves us to new directions, ventures, and destinations. Their influence – as well as ours on them- perhaps will never be fully known to either. Meditation, new books, different perspectives in life, and hobbies adapted into my life have all been shaped by different seasons of entanglements.

The space and length of time shared with a person might not matter. It could be years, months, weeks, or minutes shared in the crossing of paths but, in the end, the interactions leave a mark. Ultimately, the decision of how a person affects you is up to you. Not denying the love, hurt, or other strong emotions that a person can elicit. Still, their season in your life, if ended or just at the start, can provide you with invaluable lessons about yourself, marking new paths for your development and happiness.

As I rushed out from Coffee with John #80 following a new path brought upon by past interactions and outcomes of a season(s) long gone, I wondered what other lessons I have yet to experience and mysteries to uncover by unexpected/surprising encounters with people from my past and those I have yet to meet.

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#79 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

Gratefulness comes to mind as the takeaway for this installment of CWJ.

I am blessed to have family, friends, and people in my life that genuinely care and have and continue to be there for me and my kiddo with their love, kindness, and friendship.

My coffee mate for this round is among those special angels. She is my cuña, my sister-in-law. Over the years, we have gotten along well. What truly solidified our bond transpired a month or two before Lari – my wife, her sister – left this plane to roam and dance in the outer cosmos.

Leaving her family and hectic life back in Florida, my cuña came on separate times to spent time with us, helping us while we were in the thin-and-thick of things. Aside from helping with the day-to-day functions of the house, more importantly, she was there for Lari, my kid, and myself.

During those separate occasions, we shared moments of laughter amid a difficult period for all of us. The bond she built with my kid at the time continues today. The following summer after Lari passed, she and her family took my kid on a vacation to the Dominican Republic that he still recalls fondly.

All those thoughts and more came to mind last week or so when we shared a conversation over coffee for an “official” CWJ.

I was left feeling grateful. Lean on the power of gratefulness and cherish those that bring that light into your life.

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#78 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

Last week or so, through Bumble Bizz, I had a virtual CWJ with a young man from Ninety Six (yes, 96!), a town in Greenwood County, South Carolina with a population of roughly 2,000 people. That hour long conversation inspired the following write-up:

As part of rituals, war, ceremonies, religious traditions, or disguises, masks have formed part of society since ancient times.

More than ever, masks are ubiquitous and part of our daily wardrobe.

No matter if you are donning an actual mask or not, we all wear an invisible mask, projecting into the world a persona. Behind that invisible mask, the insecurities, emotional scars, fears, and the many qualities and idiosyncrasies that make us, us.

We hide behind our masks, often not letting people see our true selves to our own detriment. The persona we put out sometimes actually conceals our bravery, confidence, and humanity – all the attributes we all want to project.

The takeaway: we can best serve ourselves by putting away the mask/persona we project into the world to let our true selves soar. We can learn from embracing our vulnerability, self-doubts, and go for what we want despite all that can hold us back.

PS: if you are curious to know more about this intriguing resident of 96, I encourage you to visit his website: https://www.deshaunwilliamsindustries.com/

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#77 Coffee with John

Do places hold positive/negative energy? Do certain spots possess magical qualities affecting our moods?

I have certainly experienced the energy flow of certain places. Two recent places come to mind. The first, Tayrona National Park, in northern Colombia. The other,
Latta Nature Center and Preserve. I am not going to tell you what I experienced but I definitely felt the vibrations of those places.

In this last round, as we were wrapping up, my coffee mate invited me to sit at a trunk/bench located in Freedom Park to see if I felt the energy of this magical spot for her.

That experience brings me to my takeaway: no matter how much you might try, you will never be able to experience or understand a person’s perspective or how they see and experience the world around them.

The question is how much are you willing to lean on trying to understand their viewpoint without a desire to change their minds or impose your own experience on them?

Some issues, circumstances, situations are easy to let go of your perspective and jump into the viewpoint of the other person. Other issues, well, not so easy to lean on, especially these days.

Hatred, racism, violence, bigotry, and arrogance are issues I have no room to lean on. Nor could I try to understand those driven by those forces. Still, for the most part, we do a disservice when we close ourselves without at least hearing and putting ourselves in the shoes of those we love and within our community.

I know I have, as of recent, been guilty of imposing my own feelings and perspectives when I should have spoken less and just sat and reflected for a moment where the other person was at the time with their feelings and emotions.

Perhaps, if we try to lean on and see the world as others see – without judgment and with more empathy – we can at least come to new understandings about ourselves while providing the space for others to be heard and be seen.

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#76 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

After running around and almost not making it, I am glad I had the chance to connect with coffee mate #76, a connection from Virginia via Bumble Bizz.

Seems like the meeting happened ages ago. What is clear is how grateful I am to be able to connect with strangers and share a moment.

It’s intriguing to delve into conservation without any preconceived notions, intentions, or agenda, letting the flow of the dialogue take you in different directions leading to newfound knowledge. Like, do you know about Victoria Falls in Zambia? Or about the Stratosphere drop in Vegas? Or about endometriosis?

I didn’t know about any of those things, bringing me to my takeaway: we go around thinking we know stuff but in reality, we are only scratching the surface. The world is full of stories, universes, and knowledge we have yet to grasp, experience, and taste.

During our conversation, we talked about two column lists. On one side, the column of things to accomplish and experience in this lifetime. The other, the column of accomplished adventures/experiences/activities. I can add to that second column new things learned born out of a conversation with strangers — the list is long.

What would you like to add to your second column?

PS: If you want to learn more about endometriosis, I encourage you to follow on Instagram the story of Manda

PSS: No. This is not Victoria Falls but it is a picture from that same day when I had CWJ #76. So it seems fitting to include it:

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#75 Coffee with John

Coffee with John #75 represents the half-way point to meeting my goal of the number of people I want to meet for CWJ.

Two years since I began this project. Half-way point towards an end, new beginnings, new adventures.

It has taken me two years to arrive at this milestone. From the start, I have had in mind 150 individual meetings with different people each time. Why this number? 150 is known as Dunbar’s number. Based on his theory, we can only maintain about 150 connections at once. I read about Dunbar’s theory around the time Facebook was becoming widespread; the concept has stuck with me.   

I am in no rush to meet my goal. If I meet the goal in the next month, a year, or the next, I am fine with it. The people I have met along the journey have come into my life at the appropriate time.

Coffee-mate for CWJ #75 is a prime example. I could have not, even if  I wanted to, chosen this bold, bright, bodacious, beauteous woman to be the perfect candidate to reach my half-way point.

The many reasons for this abound. In addition to being part of my water season, the other main reason actually brings me to my takeaway: how many lives have you lived in your lifetime?

Where are you in your seasons of life? Half-way point? At the beginning? At the end of an old one? Would you even know where you are? How many versions have you reincarnated, knowingly and consciously? Are you living a different life than you were a few years back? Are you ready to take on a new life? How different are you from the person you were 3, 10 years ago. Would you recognize your past self?

As a widower, single parent, and an empty nester, I am living a whole new life, different from three or four years ago, or even just a year ago. I have experienced new adventures, met new people, traveled (when that was a thing), and expanded my horizons, adopting along the way new habits like meditating and listening to podcasts – did you know podcasts are a thing?

Life circumstances direct or redirect our life paths, giving us no choice but to adapt to new realities imposed by forces beyond our control. Like now, we are all living a new reality, bringing a season of uncertainty and shadows into our lives. Still, other times, we have a saying in the direction where we have free choice in taking that first step into our new lives. We take action and create our own new reality. We have the power to reinvent ourselves.    

I might be half-way point into meeting my goal for this project, but in many ways, I am just at the beginning. I don’t know where it will lead me and that excites me. And so in life. I don’t know where I will be in a year or two. But I am excited about the possibilities.  I am in a new version of my life, not the one I had chosen but one I am embracing full-on.