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#98 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

“Start close in,
don’t take the second step
or the third,
start with the first
thing
close in,
the step
you don’t want to take…“

Coffee with John #98 reminded me of the first lines in David Whyte’s poem, “Start Close In.”

98 coffees later and I still get nervous at times when I am meeting a person for the first time. Will the conversation go well? Will I be able to be present and be somewhat coherent? Will I make a fool out of myself? What if things don’t go well or become awkward?

How many times do we let those types of doom-like questions prevent us from taking that step we don’t want to take? From saying “I love you,” drawing a will, having a difficult conversation with another or yourself, going out to a venue by yourself, taking a class, to launching a new business, we have so many areas in our personal and professional lives where taking that initial, first step can completely enrich and alter our lives, even for a brief moment. Yet, how many times do we not take that crucial step, completely limiting our experiences and sabotaging ourselves out of fear or nervousness?

I have over the years taking that stet I so dreaded in different areas of my life. For the most part, the rewards have been ten-fold. Yoga comes to mind as an example. I had always wanted to do it but it took a friend of my wife to accompany me to the first few classes before yoga became a staple in my life. Taking that step has led to many friendships and experiences, including this round of coffee.

I know I have many aspects of my life where I need to nudge myself still to take that step I don’t want to take. Avoiding conflict to keep “the peace” is one of those. In some areas taking that first step is easier than others. Other times, it takes a lot more mustering. And, of course, we all have circumstances where we might need to take that first time many times over before we get grounded.

I invite you to join me in challenging yourself in taking that step in an area in your life – take that step you don’t want to take. In an area of your life that you see as the appropriate time, with courage and love, take your own step on your terms.

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#97 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

97

9 + 7 = 16

1+6 = 7

And here we arrive back at that original magical seven, a number that has inspired and led to my fury of wonderful, surprising last rounds of coffee meetups.

Ain’t it funny how in life, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart, we end up returning, willingly or unexpectedly, to that original place/spot that we had sworn to all the gods that never again – never again to date, fall in love, trust another with our emotions, or be such a foolish romantic.

No other area in our lives do we have so little control over (okay, perhaps hyperbole but entertain me here). Once our brains are on that high of estrogen, testosterone, endorphin, dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine, we are hopeless. Our sense of logic, constrain and whatever else we think makes us rational beings, all go out the window. Our reaction at times is to run away from it. Other times, we rush into it fully invested with no reins.

Sure, I have encountered many that have vowed not to date, completely giving up hope on finding a partner. And not a temporary pause to take care of themselves or other pending and pressing matters, but altogether. I applaud their conviction. Still, when the time strikes, it is magical to fall under that reckless spell of love and attraction, putting our hearts and ourselves at risk of heartbreak.

We might not all agree with Alfred Lord Tennyson’s famous words, “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” but the wonder of love is indeed magical and worth the pursuit of that beautiful quest, even if fleeting and the risks high. I say rush into and collide, whole-heartedly.

In addition to an enrienching conversation and many takeaways, my coffee mate for this round reminded me of the beauty of finding ourselves back at that gripping equation of love at different stages of our lives time, and time again with many personal adventures and tribulations in between.

  

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#96 Coffee with John

The underbelly of society is riddled with darkness and realities far from ours.

Substance abuse, poverty, sex crimes, domestic violence, and hundred other maladies lurking under our noses. We don’t have to go hundreds of miles away to encounter the underbelly. My city, Charlotte, ranks #1 in North Carolina in human trafficking – North Carolina ranks 10 in the nation. That’s only one reality I had no clue about until recently.

Once we notice, the pain can be overwhelming and daunting to carry. Like my coffee mate for this round expressed to me, all we can do sometimes is pull aside on the road and cry for humanity and all the injustices in this world.

But what do we do in the long term? I wish I had an answer. All I can offer is for us to show up, fully present in our lives, communities, circles, and in the lives of our loved ones with love, understanding, kindness, perseverance, and forgiveness.

We all have the power to make our communities a better place without having to take on the burden of saving and curing the many injustices in the world. Sometimes all it takes is showing love and kindness. And that takes many forms – volunteering, creating communities, looking out for our neighbors, donating to a good cause, getting dirty in a fight for a cause near to your heart, or not giving up on loved ones when they need us the most.

PS: To learn how you can combat human trafficking, visit

Ways You Can Help Fight Human Trafficking

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#95 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

I never thought getting a no/rejection letter could feel so damn good.

After going back and forth for a few weeks with the creator and editor of the HuffPost Personal, he wrote, “…let me say what a truly, truly beautiful piece you’ve written…Ultimately, the piece isn’t a fit for us. It would have to be chopped down. It would lose a lot of the love and luster and care that’s there. And I don’t want to do that. I hate having to say no (I say no 99% of the time due to my budget and limited space) but I especially hate saying it when I actually love the piece…I do hope that you’ll share this with your friends and family (and maybe you can find another home for it somewhere else too).“

Receiving and reading those words made me feel relieved, heard, and acknowledged.

I had originally submitted a different piece from what I ended up writing at the end. At that time, without expecting a reply, I got an email from an actual person telling me that he would get back to me soon. (That in itself was thrilling).

After a few exchanges and connecting on a personal level, he gave me candid notes and the option to resubmit.

I am so glad and grateful for the experience of having to rewrite that original essay. The process, while emotional, I found it cathartic and liberating. It took me about two, plus weeks to finish it as revisiting memories of my wife brought tears to my eyes. But, I don’t think I would have completed the piece if it wasn’t for that initial spark the HuffPost editor ignited.

Getting published by the HuffPost would have been incredible (and a middle finger to the few people in my life that at some point discouraged or disparaged my writing abilities) but how cool is it that I ended up having Coffee with John (CWJ) with the editor, making him part of the magical seven to reach the 100 milestone to ultimately reach my 150 goal.

The conversation I had with him was priceless. He is the type of person you want to be friends with from the get-go. After some technical issues on my end with Zoom, our time went by quickly, only scratching the surface on a variety of topics. A few things stood out for me from this meetup.

One, here is a grounded individual who loves his job and gives a lot of care with the trust he is giving by hundreds of people hoping to share their personal stories with the world. The other thing that stood out for me comes down to the power of telling or putting down your story in writing. As my coffee mate and many others have noted, writing down your story can save and give your life a new direction.

If you have a story to tell, I encourage you to share it with others or write it down to exorcise those feelings, emotions, secrets out of your system. If you are compelled to submit your story to the HuffPost, please, do it. You never know where the journey might take you.

As for my essay, now more than ever, I am determined to find a home for it and see where that Odyssey leads me.

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#94 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

The past colliding with the future.

Facts are indisputable. Yet, we all have our versions of the past, seen through our experiences, and informed by our own biases and internal and external forces – age, race, gender, social-economic status, etc.

The cool, beautiful girl you so admired back in middle school you come to find out was riddled with insecurities and thought of herself as the ugly duckling. The bully, who went around terrorizing all, turns out was in turmoil over his sexuality.

A place you hold dear to your heart for the fond memories it conjures up can elicit opposite feelings for others. For you, it can be the place you came of age, for others: a tragic spot filled with nightmares.

We don’t always get to revisit or learn how others experienced shared histories, not that doing so would change our memories or reconcile our past. Still, glancing into the history of others can help us gain new revelations and be more understandable, forgiving, and generous to ourselves and others.

This last round of Coffee with John reminded me of the importance of stepping out of our shoes to look around and see who might benefit from us acknowledging their story and where they are standing in comparison to us. We all need to pause and truly see others beyond our lens, needs, and feelings.

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Question –

Will you be part of the magical seven?

In math, science, poetry, religion, mythology, philosophy, and in other realms, seven is a magical number. I am seven away from reaching my 100 Coffee with John.

My goal is to reach the 100 milestones before my upcoming birthday in June. Will you be a part of the magical seven to reach that milestone?

The only rule, we can’t have already met for the project. Sorry. No repeats for the project.

If you want to be part of Coffee with John, let me know. We can do virtual or if you are in Charlotte, NC face-to-face. I would be honored to meet up and count you in this special, magical number.

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A Remembrance

The coffee we never had…

How long since we had last seen each other? 20 or so more years.

You were a private person, only sharing with me about your battle with breast cancer after you had learned of my wife’s own illness with the disease.

You didn’t share or expand much of your own experience. Still, you opened up to me a few times and we bonded over that unfortunate predicament.

The last time you shared anything related to your illness was April of last year, letting me know, “I am fine. Treatments all done. Blood work good. Scan good…” Today, I learned of your passing as I had shared another video with you of my son’s playing.

Only last week, you had seen the previous one I had sent to you noting, “just watched your son playing Valeri on YouTube and he’s so cool and chill. Your son’s vibe is great.“

I shared your words with my son and he truly appreciated them. You didn’t get to see his last video and we never got to have that coffee we had so long ago postponed.

Funny, we weren’t all that close and only shared a few times in person when we worked together many moons back. The news of your passing breaks my heart. You were so young, vibrant, smart, beautiful. You will be missed my dear fellow Gemini.

I will miss you.

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#93 Coffee with John

Coffee with John #93

My Coffee with John (CWJ) mate for this round I met recently via an old post of a David Whyte poem that I had shared on a Facebook North Carolina Singles Group I had briefly joined and left, circa April 2020.

Somehow, as she was searching for David Whyte, she found the old post, leading her to recently contact me through my Coffee with John Facebook page. After a few exchanges, she kindly accepted my invitation to meet up as part of CWJ.

We talked about what led to our meeting and, among other things, discussed in passing David Whyte’s Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words.

In this book – a read I recommend you emerge yourself in -, Whyte takes everyday words and beautifully gives them a rebirth, expanding on their etymology and significance.

In the spirit of that book and the nature of this round of CWJ, here is my reflection/takeaway from this last coffee encounter with the word stranger as the anchor:

A Stranger

Who/what is a stranger?

A random act of generosity offered to you at a time of crisis with no reciprocity required by a person who happens to notice you at that moment when you are feeling alone with the void of familiar faces around  

A person exchanging a smile with you as they pass you, never to see them again

A passerby generously stopping to give you kind and helpful words as you seek their guidance to help you find your destination

A begrudged individual throwing insults your way because somehow your looks or way of being has offended their sensitivities.

A friend/lover/old neighbor no longer part of your life…  

I have met a lot of strangers as part of  CWJ. Some have moved into the friendship category – until they become strangers again shall our season of friendship end.

Smiles, acts of kindness, helpful words, and ephemeral moments to cherish have all been exchanged during my coffee encounters, a journey I cherish and continue to cultivate and nurture.

 

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#92 Coffee with John

An hour.

So much can happen in an hour – meet the love of your life, take a wrong turn in life, have an encounter that will alter the rest of your life..the possibilities are endless.

What’s in those magical 60 minutes and 3,600 seconds

How do you choose to spend an hour of your day?

Exercise? Mediate? Read a book/poetry/an essay? Write your own poetry/essay/book? Or squander it away doing this or that?

So many choices, with no rights or wrongs.

An hour is exactly how long CWJ #92 lasted.

In that hour of this last meeting, I learned part a story and journey of a talented, smart woman finding her way in the world with the ups and downs that life brings. I am always incredibly grateful for the generosity strangers give, letting me drop into their lives for a moment in time.

I recently came into the idea of living in a poem, a concept brought forth by American poet Naomi Shihab Nyei. She explains it as not a permanent state but one, “when you think, when you’re in a very quiet place, when you’re remembering, when you’re savoring an image, when you’re allowing your mind calmly to leap from one thought to another — that’s a poem. That’s what a poem does.” She goes on to talk about holding and savoring that space.

To me, that one hour (or hours) people generously give to me when they decide to take part and join me in this CWJ journey, represents that notion of living in a poem. That space of conversations, shared moments of reflections, thoughts and words exchanged, are a sacred, magical poem to hold, punctuate and cherish.

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#91 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

I had my takeaway all written down in my mind as soon as I finished my conversation with the wonderful, delightful, hopeful, jovial, and beautiful soul that accompanied me in this edition of CWJ.

I don’t take notes during my meet-ups. The idea for the write-up came bright and clear as soon as we ended our talk. But alas, how the mind betrays. Since then, over the weeks, my thoughts have evaporated with only a vague notion of what I wanted to convey.

Inspired by my mate’s artistry, creativity, and her journey of dealing with dramatic, life-altering events, the write I had in mind was about the space we tend to permanently occupy in our minds — that enduring space that affects our outlook in life. This is not to say that we don’t fluctuate in our line of thinking or that life events don’t color our perspective of the world and our role in it.

We have periods in which we set up camp in a dark space where all is daunting and opportunities don’t seem to exists. Other times, we find a bright spot where all is possible and nothing deters our determination, passion, dream, goals. Both of those or other places where we find camping can last a few seasons in our lives.

Still, we have a constant baseline that we can call home, the place that has for most of our lives determined our disposition. i.e. hopeful, funny, bright, pessimistic, jovial, trustworthy, loving, open-minded, power seeker, etc. Physiologist Gordon W. Allport called these, central dispositions or central traits. Now, that’s as far as I know about the terminology or the physiology of personal traits. I didn’t even know about the nomenclature of dispositions until writing this fifth paragraph. But I am digressing nor do I want to get into different personality traits as I know nothing about them.

What I left thinking about after CWJ #91 was about that space we occupy and how that space colors and affects how we chose to see and engage in life. I am aware that chemical imbalances, life circumstances, trauma, or a combination of other factors can completely alter our outlook, but what would you say is your baseline? How do you engage and see the world?

PS: I only identify my coffee mates if given permission or if the occasion lends itself. Here is the link to where you can find out more about the awesome, talented artist (Anita Darling – Fine Art) that accompanied me for Coffee with John #91:

https://bit.ly/2ZDqTiH

You may also find her on Instagram, at https://www.instagram.com/anita.darling.fineart/