Tag: Grief

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#64 Coffee with John, Virtual Edition

The other day I had the pleasure of having coffee with two incredible women whom I respect and adore deeply.

They are fierce, accomplished, smart, beautiful, tenacious, loving, and magnificent people. I have been fortunate to learn from them and share a friendship with them over the years. The friendship and dynamics are different with each one. Still, over the years, I have come to cultivate genuine connections with each.

My takeaway: how fortunate I have been to have amazing people in my life. We all do!

But it takes work to cultivate and maintain relationships, especially as we all move and experience life transitions. It is easy to let friendships slide or fall to the cracks. We can all get caught up in our own stories, neglecting to seed and fertilize our garden of friendships. When it comes to these two dear friends, I know there have been gaps when we were not in touch, sometimes for months or years. That happens. Fortunately, some bonds never fade away.

Appreciate the special people in your life. You are lucky to have them and they are lucky to have you. Cultivate and strengthen those links to build even deeper connections.

Some relationships are worth the investment. Sometimes is not a give or take approach. All relationships have different dynamics and require more work than others. Of course, it takes two to tango. You need to know when to walk away or provide the space when the other party is not reciprocating. All in all, appreciate those that bring light and love to your life.

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#63 Coffee with John – Virtual Edition

“How do we set a meeting with you?” was the message I found on my Messenger.

I can’t say that I know the sender well, or at all. They were friends with my wife. I remember seeing them once or twice before but no real interaction beyond pleasantries.

I replied to the message and within a few days, we were having Coffee with John #63, virtual edition. The beauty – and the takeaway – is that I came into the situation empty, no judgments, no expectations, no attachments to any outcomes. I opened myself to the experience, fully.

We had a great conversation lasting more than an hour. I learned about this person’s family, experiences, beliefs, aspirations. We shared a moment, a moment that might not have an overall significance in our lives but it was a moment of two strangers coming together connecting in a world that seems disconnected, disjointed, and alienated. The experience enriched me as a person, adding to my morning routine and expanding my knowledge and network.

Be open to possibilities. Come empty to situations without attachments. You never know how those experiences will change or contribute to your well-being. In the end, life is a sum of moments.

From a time long ago when people used to meet face to face for coffee
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#62 Coffee with John

“I am more than I have shown you and more than you are willing to see. Let’s work our love and know each other more fully.” Mark Nepo

My first virtual Coffee with John since the lock-down/quarantine began I shared with a friend of more than 24 years. She is my sister from another mother. My Puerto Rican sista!

This woman has had my back more times than I can count. While in college, she saved my ass countless times from starving with all of her extra meal points. My first official job after graduating I owe to her. If I had a Board Committee, she has been the Vice President, giving me advice, helping me when I have been down, and just being an incredible friend all throughout the twenty-plus years that we have known each other. Her acts of kindness have humbled me and, hopefully, made me a better friend to people.

The takeaway after our three-hour conversation is that there is not enough time in a lifespan to truly know someone. Over the course of our talk, we discovered new things about each other. Nothing deeply revealing or shocking but just new facts and quirks, adding and enriching an already rich friendship.

We don’t let people see aspects of ourselves either because the opportunity never presents itself or we refuse for reasons that we only know. Also, we limit ourselves in seeing or truly getting to know someone because of our own blinders, fears, and stories we carry. The time to change that is now.

We are experiencing an incredibly challenging and taxing time in our history with uncertainty looming at every corner. If you can and are in a position to do so, I encourage you to get to know people in your life in a whole different way. You might never get a chance like this again in a lifetime. Get a book of questions to ask, spend more time with loved ones, and/or get lost in their worlds. Let them see you and let them freely express themselves so you can see them, truly see them.

My sister from another mother
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#61 Coffee with John

Coffee with John #61, just before all hit the fan.

My last Coffee with John meeting seems like ages ago. This was before the pandemic shelter in place ordinance I know, right? Ages ago!

Still, the takeaway seems more relevant than ever. The soulful person I met up with talked about locking herself and getting in touch with creativity.

Not sure how she has followed through but creativity has recently been a place I go to when facing personal challenges. Improv classes, drawing, acting, attempting to play the uke, taking pictures, writing, and just doing projects around the house have worked for me during this last year or so as a safe place to deal with my emotions.

In the last few weeks, I have seen creativity flourishing in all areas. People are getting creative in communicating with friends, loved ones, and colleagues. I have seen families come together to play different games. I have seen people decorate their sidewalks with chalk drawings. I have seen videos of people doing all kinds of creative activities – dancing, singing from balconies, cheering healthcare workers from across buildings, etc. Creativity flourishing during critical times is nothing new. Shakespeare wrote the narrative poems “Venus and Adonis,” and “The Rape of Lucrece” during the 1592-94 plague. I am sure we can look at history and the samples abound.

We all deal with challenges differently and no one way is the right way. But I say embrace creativity in your life. It might not mean creating a masterpiece or even delving into artistic endeavors. Creativity comes in many shapes and forms. It’s up to you to find your medium.

Be safe and hope we can meet up sometime soon for coffee.

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#54 Coffee with John

(Not sure why this entry is not showing; reposting)

Takeaway:

People come into our lives through family connections, serendipity, special circumstances. We build those relationships, connect and sometimes, disconnect and, if lucky, reconnect down the road.


No matter how people come into your life or how strong your bond is with them, if they bring you joy, make the effort to share and spend time with them.

We get busy with life, work, other relationships, or whatever else. Life will always throw something that might take precedence in your mind but the effort to spend time with people that warm your heart and soul will yield insurmountable wealth in your life. Who brings joy to your life and when was the last time you reached out to them?


I am grateful for having had the chance to have an awesome Coffee with John New York edition. Love you, bro. You know who you are. Hope to see you and your family soon.

,

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#55 Coffee with John

Coffee with John #55

This was another meet up that had been in the works since the beginning of Coffee with John (CWJ). For whatever reason, it took until this past Saturday morning to come to fruition.

All I can say is that it was a fulfilling get-together on so many levels. To paraphrase the lovely and beautiful soul that made that cold Saturday morning radiant, “the meeting was natural.”

Maybe we would have not talked for two or so hours if we had met before. Maybe, after not seeing each other for 7+years, the meeting would have been awkward if we had met a year go. May we would have not connected as we did.

Lots of maybes but I have no doubt in my mind that the timing was perfect. We were meant to have that meeting when we did.

One of the takeaways from that is that we can’t rush or force things. I try not to push or force Coffee with John meetings on people. If it happens, it happens. Sometimes I might insist but I do try for these meetings to be as organic as possible. Sometimes people come to me, other times I go to them.

There are plenty of people that I have approached or that have shown an initial interest but no dice. And I am okay with that. I truly believe you can’t force things. It’s all good. Let go and receive, right?

The other takeaway from this meeting was a reminder for me to focus on myself again. I have been talking a lot about exploring and focusing on myself but I have been distracted by going out, attending networking events, meeting/dating people or just getting involved with different projects — not that any of that hasn’t been fun. It has been a blast but I have neglected some things I had set out to do a while back.

The conversation reminded me to take the time to get to know and reconnect with myself. For me, my identity as a husband and father is being redefined. I am reconnecting with pieces of myself that I might have forgotten as well as discovering new aspects of myself. There are also aspects of my personality that I want to work on.

We all need to connect with that being that resides within us. Sometimes we take it from granted and focus on other priorities.

The journey to connect with that special inner being can take many forms and we all need to find our path. It can mean reading self-help books, taking personality tests, meditating, challenging yourself out of your comfort zone, exploring poetry, taking time off from whatever distractions, connecting with the artist within or just being comfortable in solitude.

I have rambled enough. If you made it this far, I thank you for reading and send you my love for being you, just the way you are.

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#52 Coffee with John

Coffee with John #52 was a perfect combination of a Sunday breakfast at a Colombian restaurant, which I had been craving for ages, and coffee afterward at Amélie’s.

The food was great at the restaurant, the coffee not so much. (You would think, Colombian place=good coffee, but there you have it.)


What was great all throughout was the conversation. I have to say that I truly have enjoyed each and every coffee meet-up.

Each meeting has been different, some light and others, emotionally heavy. I am always enriched by each experience. I am honored and grateful that people have taken the time to meet with me. And I am deeply honored when people open up and decide to share their personal stories with me.

So, to answer the question, yes. I will continue to meet people for Coffee with John for the next foreseeable future. I do have a magic number in mind to culminate but that’s a long way still.

My takeaway from Coffee with John #52 is that I really enjoy talking and learning about people. I like connecting and sharing.

The other takeaway, which I attribute 100% to what my partner in crime on this coffee meet up said: life doesn’t happen after you accomplish XY&Z.

We often think that our lives will somehow magically be better after we retire, move, get that degree, change jobs, meet that special person, get that promotion, or whatever we think we need to achieve to truly enjoy ourselves and our lives.

Life is happening right now. Whatever you are in the midst of, enjoy the journey. I am not saying don’t have goals. Goals are part of the life path you are taking.
Just don’t think your life will begin after you accomplish that goal. All I am saying is don’t forget yourself and others while striving to achieve those benchmarks in your life.

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#48 Coffee with John

Coffee with John #48

I have two major takeaways:

1) Sometimes you just need to say no, even to things you love. I committed last minute to meeting knowing I had pending work and a preoccupied mind – deadlines, a performance, house chores, etc. I met and I tried my best to be present and to be completely open to the process but I was not there 100%. All of which is not fair to the person that committed their time and energy to meet up with me. That’s all on me. If you can help it and have control over the situation, saying no is perfectly okay.

2) Take pause and put your judgments away. I try to be non-judgemental but I am not perfect. I came in to this meeting with preconceived notions and just a lot of baggage. Again, not fair to the person meeting me — a person that I don’t even recall meeting before but who was willing and made the effort to reach out to me. So, it’s all on me. I take responsibility for my own failings and hope to be a better person. I guess that’s another takeaway: opportunities present themselves for us to reflect and be better versions of ourselves.

PS: Again, no picture from the meeting so here is another picture from my trip to Colombia this summer.

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#46 Coffee with John

Each of the past 46 encounters have been magical. I have met some incredible people, sharing their time and stories with me. I have also gotten to know people better.

I so look forward to continuing on this journey.

My last meet up left me with an even greater appreciation of people’s willingness to spend an hour or two of their time with me.

Waking up to meet someone at 7AM you have only met once for a day is not an agreement most people will undertake…

My takeaway: the most generous and wonderful gift you can give someone is your time and a piece of your vulnerability, honesty, and heart. You never know the imprint you will make in their lives, even if temporary.

Here is a poem my new found friend shared with me on this 7AM meet up:

The Big Heart – Poem by Anne Sexton
Too many things are occurring for even a big heart to hold.’ – From an essay by W. B. Yeats

Big heart,
wide as a watermelon,
but wise as birth,
there is so much abundance
in the people I have:
Max, Lois, Joe, Louise,
Joan, Marie, Dawn,
Arlene, Father Dunne,
and all in their short lives
give to me repeatedly,
in the way the sea
places its many fingers on the shore,
again and again
and they know me,
they help me unravel,
they listen with ears made of conch shells,
they speak back with the wine of the best region.
They are my staff.
They comfort me.

They hear how
the artery of my soul has been severed
and soul is spurting out upon them,
bleeding on them,
messing up their clothes,
dirtying their shoes.
And God is filling me,
though there are times of doubt
as hollow as the Grand Canyon,
still God is filling me.
He is giving me the thoughts of dogs,
the spider in its intricate web,
the sun
in all its amazement,
and a slain ram
that is the glory,
the mystery of great cost,
and my heart,
which is very big,
I promise it is very large,
a monster of sorts,
takes it all in—
all in comes the fury of love.

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#45 Coffee with John

Running behind these posts: Coffee with John #45

I had a few takeaways from this encounter. Now I am just trying to remember them.

First, a takeaway for me: I need to expand my definition of spiritual. Or better yet, I need to define it for myself. The spectra of meanings are vast out there; the more I meet people, the range widens.

Second: sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar. We give or want to attach meaning to certain events/circumstances/coincidences when maybe what we need to do is be in that moment and let the mysteries of the universe work themselves out.

Last takeaway: grateful for people willing to meet up with me over coffee, tea or whatever they prefer. I truly appreciate each encounter.